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Surprise Endings


As we draw near to the end of this school year, we hope any surprise endings will be pleasant ones, academically speaking.

With that in mind, I'm posting three jokes with rather surprising endings. WARNING: You may want to be sure you are somewhere where you are free to laugh out loud, particularly when reading the third joke. You have been warned.... :-)

OK, here goes....

My neighbor was startled by a car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am old enough that I don't need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
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Lawyer Humor


Since it's been over three years since I did a blog post of lawyer humor, I thought I'd publish the humor that has accumulated in the meantime. I hope my lawyer friends who read my blog will indulge me. :-)

Frivolous Law Suit

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two beverages.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches.
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Dispatches from the Front


Tim Journaling

This past week my friend Tim Keesee and I met for coffee. He was excited to tell me that he has a new book coming out at the end of May. The book has the same name as his award-winning DVD series — Dispatches from the Front. There are currently 6 DVDs, and a 7th one will be coming out this summer telling what Tim saw and learned in North Africa.

Here is the first paragraph about the DVD series from the webpage:

Believers everywhere desperately need a renewed vision of Christ and the unstoppable advance of His saving work in all the earth. Our view of God’s Kingdom is often too small and limited to what we have experienced. Dispatches from the Front highlights the marvelous extent, diversity, and unity of Christ’s Kingdom in our world. The journal format of each episode underscores the daily unfolding of God’s activity on the “frontlines,” bringing viewers up-close with sights and sounds from distant corners of the Kingdom.

picture of Dispatches DVDs

If you have never viewed any of the DVD's, you need to! If you have viewed them, you know what a masterful storyteller Tim is. His training and background as a historian, his gifts of observation and journaling, his openness to understanding cultures foreign to his own, and especially his ability to paint vivid images with words make the video series go far beyond being merely informative (which the most definitely are!). The images and word pictures reach into the very hearts of the viewers as they meet fellow believers who are on the frontlines, following and serving Christ.

I asked Tim for permission to give my blog readers a taste of his new book. Here is a section of the Prologue that he penned while visiting his native Danville, VA:

"A train calls to me in the night silence. For as long as I can remember, it has provided the music—and my pen the words—to a restless life. A million miles later, I'm back where I grew up—and the train's whistle is as sweet and lonely as ever....

"Mama used to play hymns on a beaten-up piano with a keyboard that looked like an ugly grin—its ivories yellowed, cracked, or missing. I remember how pretty she was at the piano. She had a lilting style that made me sing, even when I was too young to read. An old plaque still hangs on the living room wall: "The way of the Cross leads home." Mama has finished that journey, and yet tonight on this side, amid the clutter of memories and the mocking monotony of a ticking clock, I miss her.

"One of the things I love her for is that she gave me to the Lord—which meant that she had to let me go. Travel just wasn't in our family's DNA. Our roots run deep in the red clay of the Virginia foothills. Only things like world wars and great depressions could move us away, but always we came back to these familiar hills. I was the first in ten generations to leave Virginia. So even though Mama did not understand my wanderlust, like Hannnah, she had given her son to the Lord, and she kept her word, even when it hurt. She bought a globe—it's still here on the dresser—and over the years, she traced the paths of her promise.

"And so, I've gone far from this place. A sixteen-year-old sailor who used to be me looks down from the shelf. The picture is faded, but I still smell the salt. Back then, my small world suddenly became as vast as the ocean. And everything I saw I wrote about, filling in the blanks that only imagination could attempt before.
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Ever Heard of Sniglets?


Sniglets

Back in the 1980's a comedian named Rich Hall regularly featured what he called sniglets as part of his routine. He said a sniglet is "any word that doesn't appear in the dictionary, but should." He created some of his own and solicited more from his fans. These he assembled into books that are still available on amazon.com

There was even a Sniglets game put out by Milton Bradley which is still available on both Amazon and eBay:

Sniglets Game

I have none of the books, but I've had a collection of sniglets in my files for over a decade. Here are the ones I have:

Accordionated - adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Aeroma - n. The odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.

Aquadextrous - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Arachnidiot - n. A person, who, having wandered into an "invisible" spider web, begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Begathon - n. A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials.

Bovilexia - n. The uncontrollable urge to lean out the car window and yell "Moo!" every time you pass a cow.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Burgacide - n. What you call the desperate action of a hamburger leaping to its death through the holes in the Bar-B-Q grill.

Carperpetuation - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Charp (charp) - n. The green, mutant potato chip found in every bag.

Combiloops - n. The two or three unsuccessful passes before finally opening a combination locker.

Crummox (noun): The amount of cereal leftover in the box that is too little to eat and too much to throw away

Darf - n. The least attractive side of a Christmas tree that ends up facing the wall.

Deodorend - n. The last 1/2 inch of stick deodorant that won't turn up out of the tube, and thus cannot be used without inducing lacerations.

Doork - n. A person who always pushes on a door marked "pull" or vice versa.
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Highbrow Humor


Eggs Over Easily

This past week a former student of mine who reads my blog sent me three text messages in fairly rapid succession. They each made me laugh out loud. The humor was definitely quite sophisticated, and I decided to round up some very short, yet very high-powered bits of humor. Don't feel bad if you don't get some of them ... I don't either.

The first three are the ones my friend sent me — the ones that got this blog post rolling.

People often accuse me of "stealing other people's jokes" and being a "plagiarist." Their words, not mine.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

I hate explaining puns to kleptomaniacs. They take things literally.

(Thanks JA for inspiring this post!)

Never trust atoms. They make up everything!

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

There are two types of people in the world — those who crave closure

There are two types of people in the world — those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

There are only 10 kinds of people — those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life — 1. Never tell everything you know.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

That woman is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
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