I'll start today's iv off with a little story that will serve as a springboard for the rest of the iv.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
Now for some of my other favorite lawyer jokes... (Some of these may be a little bit mean, but I think that even the lawyers on my mailing list will chuckle. I actually deleted the very meanest ones when I "tidied up".) Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together - he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident? An ambulance backed up suddenly.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
It was so cold last winter... (How cold was it?) ... It was so cold that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again. "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," she replied. "I just can't hear it often enough."
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer.'" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim 'That's Strange!'"
How does an attorney sleep at night? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes, but we can't prove it yet."
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was finally sent to prison, he didn't have a dime to his name.
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt, and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responds, "I hit a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood ... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches, and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
A pair of lawyers had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. One of the lawyers was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his absent partner, reading, "Justice has triumphed!" The other lawyer wired back, "Appeal at once!"
"The law is not bad. It just shows us how bad we are." - Dr. Drew Conley
=^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
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