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Posts from ‘September, 2006’

Let’s Hear It for Diversity!


I don't often post humor with a religious theme, but I received a joke recently that made me laugh out loud. I thought I'd send it along with several others. I'll start off with one that is very politically correct.

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A minister, a rabbi, and a priest are sitting together in a coffee shop. The rabbi says, "So a guy, and another guy, and another guy walk into a place, see...."

(Several people have commented that they didn't catch the humor in the joke above. The humor is that it's *so* politically correct that all the humor is gone. Now *that's* funny! To avoid the same thing in the next two jokes, I'll risk being politically *in*correct....)

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A fleeing Al-Qaeda guerilla who had run out of water was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Arab shouted, "ACH! Israel should not even exist! I do not *need* an overpriced tie. I *need* water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie or that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Arab staggered away and eventually disappeared over the hill.

Hours later he staggered back, near collapse. He gasped out, "You didn't tell me your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no one that would remotely fit that description.

"A priest, ... PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man is lying on the sidewalk. He kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says in a solemn voice,

"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72...."

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Not much is new here. We're enjoying the cooler fall weather and are not too anxious for winter to arrive. 😎 School is plenty busy. I guess the semester is far enough along that it's time for tests. My students have commented that it seems to be in almost all their classes this week, unfortunately.

quotation...

"More important than the exercise of my legitimate freedom is the benefit of others and the glory of God." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets angry at my criticism, he is a mile away and barefoot.


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Southernosity


Today's instant vacation highlights some interesting aspects of life here in the southern part of the USA. I've now lived here almost half of my life. I heard something on the radio the other day that made me do a Google search. I found lists similar to what I'm sending today for almost every state in the South, with just a few local variations. It should help non-Southerners understand life here better and give Southerners a chance to chuckle at some of the local charm.

Interesting facts about the South and Southernosity...

Florida, except for the areas closest to Alabama and Georgia (pronounced Jawja), is *not* considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living in Florida.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South, plus a couple that nobody has seen before.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under your tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they're ripe.

Possums will sleep in the road with their feet in the air.

"Onced" and "twiced" are words.

It is not a shopping cart - it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your skin a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word, and it's a verb. Example: I'm fixinto go to the store.

"Backwards and forwards" means "I know everything about you".

"Jeet" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You sometimes have to switch from heat to air conditioning, all in the same day.

All festivals across your state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You only know 4 spices - salt, pepper, Tabasco, and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

You think the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You find 100°F (38°C) "a little warm".

You know that the South really *does* have four distinct seasons - almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime, known as "Goin' Walmartin'" or "Off to Wally World".

You describe the first cool snap (below 70° or 21°C) as good pinto bean weather.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter that you don't need anything from the store - it is just something you're supposed to do. Apparently, since the items Southerns rush out to buy are bread, milk, and eggs, the comfort food of choice in a "snow crisis" *must* be French toast.

You know that fried catfish is the other white meat.

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

You know what "cow tipping" is .

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

And you don't TAKE someone to the doctor's office or any other place - you CARRY them there.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dawg. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, tonic, or pop. It's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda Coke you want?" "Aw, I'll have a Dr Pepper, thanks."

You know the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" one, you "PITCH" one.

You know how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

You know the general direction of not only "yonder" but also "cattywumpus."

You know exactly how long "directly" is - as in "Going to town, be back directly."

You grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." You also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

You know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, you also know to add a large banana puddin'.

You both know and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

You would never assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn or change lanes. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that the blinker was on when the car was purchased.

You make friends while standing in lines. You don't do "queues," you do "lines"; and when you're "in line," you talk to everybody - even total strangers!

Put 100 Southerners in a room, and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

You never refer to one person as "y'all."

You know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

You know:
- that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful.
- that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food.
- and that fried green tomatoes are *not* a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a true Southerner!

You say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates with sugar, and *lots* of it - Southerners do not like their tea unsweetened. Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

You know you don't scream at little old ladies who drive 30 mph on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart," and go your own way.

You don't need no stinkin' driver's ed ... when yo mama says you can drive, you can drive!

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness - Take two biscuits, a dose of sausage gravy and a tall glass of sweet tea, and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff - Bless your hearts. I hear they're fixinto have classes on Southernosity as a second language!

And for anyone who is not from the South but has lived here for a long time - Y'all need a sign to hang on y'all's front porch that reads, "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Bless your hearts! All y'all have a blessed day!

quotation...

"Am I living so that it's obvious that God is the most important person in the universe, and not I?" - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Two reasons that it is so hard to solve a redneck murder -
1st - The DNA is all the same.
2nd - No dental records.


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Words to Live by at Work


The following is a list of things that some have suggested that people could do or say at work. However I personally would think twice before using some of them! 😎

Words to live by at work...

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

It is so embarrassing to watch your boss do something you declared could not be done!

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be fast-food trash on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous" and apparently has been.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will be able to get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

No request is ever small enough.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Life is already complicated enough without trying to introduce organization into it.

I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong, as will the next person who quits or is fired.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

You have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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All's well here. The school year seems to be off to a good start. Not much new to report at this time. We received many kind words at the loss of our cat last week, and, of course, some kidding from friends who are not lovers of cats. We appreciated them all.

quotation...

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone had scribbled "I waited and waited, but I finally went ahead and washed them myself."


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You Know You’re Addicted to Cycling When…


This Labor Day weekend our city was the site of the USA Pro Cycling Championship. (We saw more lightweight metal, helmets, and Spandex than we've seen in a long time.) In honor of this event, I'm sending some humor about the sport of cycling.

Last week's iv was about a certain mindset. Whether cyclists admit it or not, there *is* a mindset, a group of assumptions, and a whole set of experiences that set a "cyclist" apart from the vast majority of the populace that simply rides a bike. There are the serious things like an understanding of vehicular cycling and mundane things like knowing where are the good places to lock a bicycle. Here are some amusing characteristics that should make even cyclists laugh at themselves and give some tell-tale hints that maybe, just maybe, there's such a thing as a "bike geek."

You know you're addicted to cycling when...

Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between a Presta valve and a Schrader valve.

You actually KNOW what Presta valves and Schrader valves are!

A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.

You buy crutches instead of renting them.

The funeral director tells you NO! you cannot ride your Cannondale in the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.

You no longer require a hankerchief to blow your nose.

You think that working on your bike is almost as much fun as riding it.

At some point you caught yourself wondering if your bike might look good if you added fenders.

You discover that you have forgotten to remove your reflective ankle straps hours after you have arrived somewhere by bicycle.

You make decisions about car purchases based on which one more easily accepts a rooftop bicycle rack.

You own any kind of purple annodized bicycle accessory.

Colorado Cyclist sent you a Christmas card last year.

Your bicycle(s) is/are worth more than your automobile.

You know what the difference is between Ultrasensor, Core-Tech, and Microfiber jersey materials.

You empathize with roadkill.

You can tell your wife with a straight face that it's too hot to mow the lawn, then take off and ride a century.

You refuse to buy a couch because that patch of wallspace is taken up by the bike.

When you move to a new area, the first thing you look for is a bike shop.

You use wax on your chain, but not on your car.

You wear your riding gloves when driving your car.

You spend weeks during the summer spraying arrows on the sides of roads.

You mount a $600 cap on a $1,000 pickup truck so your $3,000 bike won't get wet.

You can't seem to get to work by 8:30 a.m., even for important meetings, but you don't have any problems at all meeting your buddies at 5:30 a.m. for a hammerfest.

Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.

You tailgate a semi-trailer to get the drafting effect.

You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.

You pull up hard on the steering wheel trying to jump your car over a pot hole.

"Four cheeseburgers and four large French fries" is for you!

You actually move farther from work so your bike commute will be longer.

You take a perverse pride in your mid-thigh and mid-bicep tan lines, and even more in that funny little circle of tan on the back of your hands.

You learn you have some money left over after paying bills, and the first thing you do is reach for the nearest bicycling catalog.

Someone in a car asks for directions, and you give them a route that bypasses freeways and busy surface streets.

You have committed to memory the sizes and costs of Johnson & Johnson's complete line of gauze products.

After a crash the first thing you ask when you regain consciousness is "How's my bike?"

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personal update...

We're sad today after losing our cat Linus. He's been steadily declining for over a month. He's lost a lot of weight and has grown more and more lethargic. For the last several days he would hardly eat or drink and wouldn't even purr. He lived a nice, long life and was a friendly, gentle cat. We'll really miss him. In my signature line below, you'll see that there are now only two cats.

quotation...

"The bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine." - John Howard, U.S. Olympic cyclist

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"Friends don't let friends wear Spandex." - Mark Loach


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