Not only did we have to give pills to our cat Linus the last couple of months of his life, but we also have to give pills to another one of our cats three times a week. These lovely experiences have reminded me of something in my files - how to give your cat a pill. After that I have also added another cat story I received recently.
How to give your cat a pill...
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man, or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. There! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Give yourself two aspirins by whatever means works best for you, and lie down.
Here's a story about a cat who was a bit of a pill himself....
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As the man was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, he saw that the cat was already there!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive miles and miles away, turning right, then left, over bridges, on and on, until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home, and he left the cat there.
Hours later the man called home to his wife, "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Please put that wretched cat on the phone - I'm lost and need directions!"
"All the days of the afflicted are bad, but a cheerful heart has a continual feast." Proverbs 15:15
Political correctness strikes again! A group here in the USA should no longer be referred to as "hillbillies." The proper designation is now "Appalachian-Americans." A special thank you to those who will remember this in future conversations.
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