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Posts from ‘February, 2007’

Police Comments


I know several police officers, and my hat goes off to them and their colleagues for doing what *has* to be one of the most difficult and dangerous jobs in the world. I am thankful that there are people who are willing to be police officers to protect the rest of us from much evil that would run rampant in society without them. I've recently received an email with a list of comments made by police to individuals who were being stopped for one reason or another. I've tried to verify the comments on snopes.com but found nothing to say whether they are real.

The following police comments were supposedly taken from actual police car videos around the country:

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you *another* ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey doo."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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Wow, huh?! At least amid what seem like some rather harsh comments, I do detect a note of ironic, if not sarcastic, humor.

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ivman update...

Since the iv's are basically "archived" here on the blog, I will not be updating the iv archives. For those who haven't visited the archives, the tab at the top of this page will take you to four years' worth of iv's, in chronological order.

quotation...

"God sometimes deals with us by letting our sins deal with us." - Dr. Stephen Jones

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Gene Police: "YOU... Out of the pool!"


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Test for Dementia


I'm getting to the age where "seniors" seem much younger than they used to! In fact, with the retirements and passing away of more and more of the "older faculty" here at BJU, a colleague and I were discussing the other day the fact that we are quickly becoming the "older faculty" ourselves! In many ways, I don't feel like I'm as old as I am, but then in other ways, my body and mind remind me of my age, with no denial possible. When I went to my campus PO box today, I had even received the latest edition of TCS (Today's Christian Senior magazine). That *had* to be some kind of mistake!

I've heard that a good way to keep your mind active and to help ward off dementia is to do crossword puzzles. Almost every night before going to sleep I do either a crossword puzzle or a Sudoku puzzle. I can't really tell if it's doing any good, but ... uhhh ... what was I going to say next? Oh yeah, I recently received a test for dementia that came, as best as I can tell, from England. I some of you might want to see how you do on it.

Test for Dementia ... not just for SENIORS anymore! Give it a try. I hope it's not later than you think!

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of your wits.

The spaces below are so that you don't see the answers until you've thought of your answer yourself.

SCROLL SLOWLY to give yourself time to think of the answer before seeing it.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?
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Answer: Bread. If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is too stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Dick and Jane. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4..

4. It's twenty-five years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany). Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can land and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or "no man's land"?
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Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you picked any of the three options, you really should stop here. If you said, "You don't bury survivors," proceed to the next question.

5. No calculators for this one, please - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What is the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Good grief! Don't you remember your own name?!? Reread the first line - the driver is YOU! Maybe you should consider retirement? From what I hear from retirees, retirement's not bad at all. Read on....

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And They Ask Why People Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who refuses to retire?
Answer: LUNATIC!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do retirees do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday, Nothing. Saturday and Sunday, they rest up from the week!

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Actually, I know many retirees who are anything but inactive, as joked about the Q&A above. Two retirees went with my wife and me to teach in Hainan last summer, and they're eager to do it again! We're all hoping we can go again in the summer 2008. If we ever get to retire, my wife and I would like to be like many retirees whose lives are full of service and ministry to others. I want retirement to allow me to serve the Lord in ways I am not able to currently with the restrictions that an academic calendar place upon you.

quotation...

"To God the past and the future are alike. His name is 'I am.'" - Dr. Ed Panosian, retired history professor from BJU who recently spoke in chapel on "The Providence of God in History"

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?


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It’s Great to Be a Guy!


Some of the following is so true, and some of it, I can only wish it were true. Anyway, enjoy!

It's great to be a guy! Here are over 50 reasons for that assertion....

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without even once thinking, "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. (Wedding dress - $2,000)

You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

You never have to clean the toilet

At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You are free to choose whether to grow a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall out on every shot of someone crying.

One mood, all the time.

You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

The garage is all yours.

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

Chocolate is just another snack.

Flowers fix everything.

The remote is yours and yours alone

You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So ... notice anything different?"

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This past Sunday was Chinese New Year's Day. I emailed my students from the past two summers, several teachers, and several personal friends to wish them each a Happy New Year. I've heard back from many of them, but one reply in particular was simply amazing! Here's what Nancy wrote:

Dear Professor Loach,

Thank you for your greetings!

Actually I am celebrating the Chinese New Year in Florida with my parents
now. I have recently published a fantasy novel, SWORDBIRD, and I was on the
Martha Stewart Show just a few days ago.

Happy New Year to you and your family!

Sincerely,
Nancy

P.S. I enjoyed your teachings in Hainan!

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I did some searching and found out that what she told me was all too true! When I taught her in 2005 she was a middle school student in a group of mainly university students, and her English was head and shoulders over theirs! After doing some Google searches and learning more about her background. I learned that when I taught her she was only 11 years old, but she had lived for several years in the USA. Check out Nancy's googlepage to learn more about her and/or her books.

Another thing going on in my life this week is attending the Family Enrichment Conference at our church. Dr. Greg Mazak, a colleague from BJU, is the speaker to us adults. If any of you who are local to the Greenville area would like to attend the remaining evenings (this evening and tomorrow evening - Feb. 20 and 21), you would really profit from what he has to say. Sunday evening, as an opener, he read a list he'd received by email - reasons of why it's great to be a guy. Several people accused me of being his source for that. I really wasn't, but since I had it on file and it's so fresh in mind, I thought I'd share it here on the blog.

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks!


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Hail to the Chief!


I remember as a child learning about Abraham Lincoln and George Washington during the month of February since their birthdays are Feb. 12th and Feb. 22nd, respectively. I don't know who decided that we should have "Presidents' Day" instead. Since this is known as Presidents' Day weekend, I thought I'd pass on several interesting things that are supposed to be true from presidential history.

Lincoln And Kennedy

I submit two presidents, two centuries, two assassins, and some mighty strange coincidences.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are made of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot, he visited Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

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Presidential Potholes - some things that former presidents would probably have rather had forgotten about them.

Andrew Jackson fought many duels and had two bullets lodged in his body.

Thomas Jefferson kept caged grizzly bears at the White House.

Ida Saxton McKinley, the President's wife suffered from seizures and could pass out in the middle of conversation without falling from her chair. When this happened the President simply threw a handkerchief over her face until she came to and carried on the conversation.

Grover Cleveland answered his own phone at the White House.

President W. H. Taft weighed over 300 pounds. Once he got stuck in the White House bathtub and had to be helped out. A special bathtub, big enough for four average men had to be built for him.

Franklin Roosevelt was superstitious and refused to sit at a table of 13 people.

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was so good at sports that little Quentin once said, "I'll bet Mother was a boy when she was little."

The Fillmores brought the first kitchen stove into the White House, but the cook could not figure out how it worked. The President visited the patent office, read the drawings, saw the model, learned how to work it, and then went back to the White House to teach what he had learned to the cook.

By the age of 15, Harry Truman had read every book in the public library in Independence, MO, but he never attended college.

At the dinner table Jimmy Carter's daughter sometimes recited the blessing with the help of her toy toaster which popped up Bible verses.

Mrs. Rutherford B. Hayes hand painted her own china. Some of it was quite unappetizing, representing animals fighting and birds eating rotten vegetables.

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

President Clinton voiced support for school uniforms to cut down on violence. It sure has done wonders for the United States Postal Service!


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Hoosier Valentine?


My wife and I splurged this year for Valentine's Day. We've been looking for a Hoosier cabinet for over a year, as mentioned in a recent iv about auctions. Well, Sunday a man from our church who is an antique dealer and who knew we'd been looking for a Hoosier told us that he had seen one in nice condition and at a very good price in another antique shop here in town. We went out Monday to check it out, bought it, and brought it home that day as our Valentine's gift to each other. Here's a picture of it in our kitchen:

picture of our Hoosier cabinet

If you want to learn a little more about Hoosier cabinets, you can click on the word Hoosier anywhere it appears in the text of this iv. Ours is made by the company mentioned from New Castle, Indiana.

Today's instant vacation is some miscellaneous humor about love and marriage, in honor of Valentine's Day.

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the chuppa (wedding canopy) and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front row responded with ripples of laughter. Even the rabbi smiled broadly. The groom watched his bride nervously.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother explained, keeping it simple.

The child thought for a moment and said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night goes by without him complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"

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A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you. You have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

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Happy Valentine's Day to all who celebrate it!

quotation...

"We serve God directly, but we also serve Him by serving others." - Dr. M. Bruce McAllister

=^..^= =^..^=
With much love to all,
Rob

Courtship is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog. Marriage is what actually comes up in your garden.


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