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Posts from ‘May, 2009’

Well, It Said So in the Newspaper!


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I've done several posts lately on newspapers - here, here, and here. The comments to those posts were interesting and funny. I saw something while browsing that made me think of what I'm posting today. Later in this post I'll show you what I saw online that triggered this post.

Do you read any newspaper regularly, either the printed version or online? Below is a list of descriptions of the usual readers of certain well-known newspapers. The picture above is today's front page from the Detroit News, which was our mainstay when we lived in Detroit.

Who reads what newspaper?

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles..

The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the New York Times or the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country - and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and they don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are minority feminist atheists who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

The Houston Chronicle is read by … well, not too many people these days.

The Weekly World News is read by Bigfoot, Elvis, and the space aliens who, the readership is sure, really are running the country!

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Here's what I saw online that made me think of the preceding.

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I wanted to post that this week since June was supposed to begin this next Monday. Those of you with plans for the month of June, particularly weddings, need to make other plans. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Just don't kill the messenger, please. 😀

I've poked fun at various aspects of newspapers and their readers, but I am also appreciative of our freedom of the press.

Some of you might enjoy checking out the site newseum.org where you can see the front pages of many papers worldwide. You might also enjoy the following resource for online versions of newspapers all over the world in many different languages at The Internet Public Library.

I look forward to more of your thoughts on newspapers and news media in general. For me it's great and overwhelming to have so much information available so readily. Do you trust what's in most newspapers? To you, if the newspaper says it, is it so?

quotation...

"Our sin always drags others into the vortex of its power." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.


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Is a Bad Job Better than No Job?


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With unemployment high and jobs scarce, some people are coming to the realization that, in order to work at all, they might have to settle for a job that they would have never considered. Others are finding it necessary to stay in jobs they don't like. A sobering reminder of today's economy is seeing more people with "Will work for food" signs. The cat in the picture above looks like it could be saying, "Will work for effect."

Here are some pictures of people whose jobs, frankly, I would not want. All I can say about the first one is YIKES!

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I guess the job market is tight!

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This job is just plain gross!

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Can this be for real?!

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In the picture below, the German translates as "At the wrong time in the wrong place in the wrong job?"

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I ran across a German website whose schtick is to strategically place pictures on the sides of machines, advertising their job-finding services with the slogan "Life's too short for the wrong job." Some of these are extremely clever. I will give some help for several since the pictures might be hard to figure out.

An instant photo machine...

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Airport security machine for scanning carry-on luggage...

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So THAT is how those kiddie rides work!

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If you'd like to see more, you can go to the site shown in the pictures above. Let me warn you that some of them may not be to your liking, especially if you tend to fragility.

Our daughter Megan posted some great pictures of our grandson Drew on her blog this past week. I'll share several of my favorites.

Megan and her friend Beth took their little guys to a mall to see Curious George. Drew was delighted, and Joey was not.

picture of Drew and George

Afterwards they went to Krispy Kreme for warm donuts. Here's a picture of the boys watching the donuts go by on the conveyor. Our little peanut is just barely tall enough to look in the window without assistance.

picture of Drew and Joey

That's almost enough to make me want to be working on the other side of that window!

Later in the week Megan did a post about the golf clubs Drew had received as a Christmas gift. The weather is nice enough now for him to begin to enjoy trying them out. Here are a couple of shots of our young golf pro.

picture of Drew and golf

picture of Drew and golf

If you want to see more, head over to Megan's blog.

What are your thoughts about bad jobs? Would you currently settle for any job, even a bad one? Is there a bad job in your past that you're happy not to have as a part of your present?

Happy Memorial Day to those who have a day off work! Even though I have to work today, I'm thankful to have a summer job. I'm especially thankful for those whose sacrifice have helped secure the freedoms we currently enjoy. May those freedoms erode no further!

quotation...

"God created man to work, and so man is unhappy when he's doing nothing productive.... It's the fallenness of this world that makes work hard and unenjoyable." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.


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Tom Swifties, part 2


picture of Tom Swift books

Last weekend I posted the first half of my list of Tom Swifties. I learned from a comment to that post that there are a number of eBooks from the Tom Swift series that are free to download. You can do that at http://www.gutenberg.org/browse/authors/a#a267 Using the search function at the top of that page you can find eBooks by many authors in many languages.

The picture on the right is a Tom Swift book published in 1929 in which he marries his longtime girlfriend, Mary Nestor. When you think about what a Ford Model A looked like at that time, you realize how much this book was ahead of its time with this forerunner of the RV's of today.

As I promised, here is the second half of my list of Tom Swifties.

"I guess we could add a yellow flower to the bouquet," said Tom lackadaisically.

"I'm tired of trying to understand girls," said Tom lassitudinously.

"Which floor would you like to go to?" asked Tom liftingly.

"I forgot what to pick up at the store," said Tom listlessly.

"Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally.

"Oh come on! It's not that hard — just add this list of X numbers and divide the sum by X," said Tom meanly.

"A thousand thanks, monsieur," said Tom mercifully.

"She's already married," said Tom mistakenly.

"This isn't real turtle soup," said Tom mockingly.

"Sometimes I like to milk cows, and other times I prefer to eat pickles," said Tom moodily.

"At the end of an auction I always end up buying too much and am dead tired," said Tom morbidly.

"How come my clock makes only 'toc's?" Tom asked mystically.

"You're a real zero," said Tom naughtily.

"That's the last time I'll pet a lion," said Tom offhandedly.

"Hey, great! My glasses are all fogged up," said Tom optimistically.

"Oh, well, another broken window," said Tom painlessly.

"From time to time I have to renew my subscriptions," said Tom periodically.

"Hey, how's about brewing me some coffee," said Tom perkily.

"This dessert is divine," said Tom piously.

"Nevermore will I read The Raven," said Tom poetically.

"This pencil is so dull," said Tom pointlessly.

"I joined the Lion's Club," said Tom pridefully.

"We've located Tiger Woods," said Tom profoundly.

"I enjoy starting fights when I play hockey," said Tom puckishly.

"I cut my nails too short," said Tom quickly.

"I must patch this coat." said Tom raggedly.

"The river has gotten rough," said Tom rapidly.

"That's all you get for now," said Tom rationally.

"I could eat a crow!" said Tom ravenously.

"I have books about Communism, said Tom readily.

"I'd paint it blue again," said Tom reassuringly.

"I haven't had an accident in ten years," said Tom recklessly.

"That was such a nice mirror!" said Tom reflectively.

"I have to take the telegrapher's test again, said Tom remorsefully.

"I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," sighed Tom remotely.

"I'm an ordained minister," said Tom reverently.

"Frankly, my dear, should I care?" asked Tom rhetorically.

"I've had enough of these Paris streets," said Tom ruefully.

"I need a home run hitter," said Tom ruthlessly.

"To cook well, you must use the right herbs," said Tom sagely.

"I'm too tired for this evening's tryst with a mermaid," said Tom sedately.

"No, you may not buy my halibut?" Tom asked selfishly.

"Have I been to Egypt?" asked Tom senilely.

"I'd love to see my penny collection again," said Tom sentimentally.

"There's the dog star," said Tom seriously.

"I've been neglecting my flock," said Tom sheepishly.

"Never fear. Some day, people will be able to take civil action against computers," said Tom soothingly.

"Plenty of starch, if you please," said Tom stiffly.

"After the realignment that car is so easy to steer!" Tom said straightforwardly.

"Moby Dick is a really nice book," said Tom superficially.

"You've already shown me how to do that," said Tom tautly.

"I buy only Newsweek," said Tom timelessly.

"Is your name Timothy or Russell?" asked Tom timorously.

"We have another flat," sighed Tom tiredly.

"I was adopted," said Tom transparently.

"I'll always be a ditch digger," said Tom trenchantly.

"You punched me in the stomach three times," said Tom triumphantly.

"I'm a softball pitcher," said Tom underhandedly.

"I want to date around," said Tom unsteadily.

"I'd love some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly.

"I passed my electrocardiogram," said Tom wholeheartedly.

"As my sole heir, you get it all," said Tom willfully.

" ..., and you lose a few," said Tom winsomely.

"I know all the wherefores," said Tom wisely.

"I can't get this horse to stop," said Tom woefully.

"I'm going to knit a sweater for my guppy," said Tom wolfishly.

"I'll have the dark bread," said Tom wryly.

"When I didn't talk nicely, my mother made me eat soap," said Tom zestfully.

"You know, I'm beginning to HATE adverbs!" said Tom. 😀

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After the first post of Tom Swifties, several people commented that they were surprised to learn that the series of books had all been written under one pseudonym, but by several authors. If you'd like to learn the names of some of the men and women who share that pseudonym, you can see them at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Appleton.

I'll give you a couple of weeks to recover from these before posting some puns called Croakers. In the Tom Swifty family, Croakers use verbs, rather than adverbs, to deliver the pun-chline.

quotation...

"The people who believe in a god who doesn't know what to do don't believe in the God of the Bible." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

A bumper sticker my wife and I saw on the car ahead of us this week — "This driver carries no cash. He's married."


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Crazy Classifieds, part 2


This is a continuation of the post Crazy Classifieds, part 1 from earlier this week. I hope you enjoy these. I will repeat the same disclaimer....

WARNING: Don't read these unless you're in a place where you are free to laugh out loud at least several times.

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Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Mother's helper – peasant working conditions.

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I really enjoy hearing from the commenters on my blog. If you don't get to the blog itself and read the comments, you're missing some of the best humor. Or worse yet, you could be depriving the other readers of the laugh they would get from your comment! 😀

I'll be back at you this weekend with the second installment of Tom Swifties. Hope your week ends well.

quotation...

"Be what you want them to become, or you will become what they are." - Dr. Gordon Dickson

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"LITE" — the new way to spell "LIGHT" with 20% fewer letters!


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Crazy Classifieds, part 1


picture of classified ad

In a recent post called Extra! Extra! Read all about it! I talked about the decline in circulation and subsequent demise of some newspapers that have been around for years. One of the favorite sections of the paper that many people will miss is the classifieds. Though meant to be helpful, but they are often a great source of humor, intentionally or otherwise.

I have scans of quite a few funny classifieds as well as text of some reportedly real ads. Because of the sheer quantity, I'm breaking the post into two parts. Here are some particularly poorly-worded ads.

WARNING: Don't read these unless you're in a place where you are free to laugh out loud at least several times.

I'll start off with some help wanted ads.

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Here are some items for sale.

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Here are several (a little too?) personal ads.

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Illiterate? Write today for help.

Auto Repair Service. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and Save! Limit one per customer.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

WANTED: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Vacation special: Have your home exterminated.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For rent: Six-room hated apartment.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Man, honest, will take anything.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

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And who said spelling and word order don't matter?! 🙂

I have added part 2 to this post – http://blog.ivman.com/crazy-classifieds-part-2

Our campus son Tim, whom I mentioned in the post Rules of the Air, has written a book that will be off the presses this summer. I'd like to share the link to his website about this book Inherited Freedom. I was privileged to be one of his readers before the book went into production. It's a good tribute to both of his grandfathers, soldiers in the Greatest Generation. I've put a link to his site in the links on my sidebar.

I'll end this post with a picture I received today that was just screaming out to be shared. The subject line of the e-mail read:

It's official. There is a recession!

picture of classified

quotation...

"Much of the trouble we face is self-inflicted." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Editing is a rewording activity.


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