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Are You What You Eat?


Some years back, there was an ad on TV for Nutri-Grain bars. The gist of the ad, without coming out and saying it in so many words, was — you eat it, you wear it! Or rather you are what you eat. The makers of the ad superimposed over various parts of people's anatomies some recognizable food items in a creative manner to illustrate their idea. One such person was a man with a donut around his waist trying and failing to get through a turnstile because of his donut. Another was a woman walking along with cinnamon rolls on her posterior. You can view the ad on YouTube. I've done a screen shot of the one segment I'm talking about for you to see below:

What does that have to do with today's blog post? Well, my German students have begun learning German irregular verbs. In German the third person one eats (man isst) sounds just like one is (man ist). Only when written are the verb forms distinguishable. I told my students to try to imagine the horror of learning that the person they were talking to is saying man isst, was man ist = you eat what you are, instead of the other way around. No German would say that, of course, since that would be advancing cannabilism. But in writing, spelling can be a life and death matter!

Back in 1998 when I was sending my "instant vacations" by e-mail, (see about page) I did an iv on cannibals. Of course, cannibalism is a deplorable practice, and there's nothing funny about what cannibals do. So the humor in these jokes lies in the puns and the other plays on words, rather than the topic itself. Please don't "chew me out" or "bite my head off" for posting these cannibal jokes. Just groan, delete, or cheerfully share them — how ever it is that you react. 🙂

Here goes....

A traveler met up with a cannibal who was practicing spear throwing at targets. The traveler noticed that the cannibal was very accurate no matter if he threw with his left or right hand. At seeing this the traveler thought out loud, "Boy, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous like that." The cannibal turned quickly and said, "I'll take it!"

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Two cannibals were out in the middle of the woods stirring a big pot of soup as they talked over family problems, particularly in-law problems. One said, "Man, I can't stomach my mother-in-law!"

The other said, "Well then, just eat only the noodles!".

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Two cannibals meet one day. One said, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."

The second asked, "What kind of missionary did you use?"

The first one said, "Oh, you know, the ones that hang out at the bend in the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Aha!" the second one exclaimed, "No wonder! Those are fryers!"

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It has been said that it's the early missionaries who gave cannibals their first taste of Christianity.

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Here are some more one-liners:

One cannibal was expelled from school for buttering up the teacher.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

Did you hear about the cannibal that never 'et a man he didn't like?

Cannibals who love pizza order them with everybody on them.

Cannibal's recipe book: "How to serve your fellow man."

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Now for some Q/A riddles:

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!

Q: What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?
A: Celebrity roasts

Q: What is a cannibal's favorite game?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?
A: When everyone's eaten

Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder

Q: What do cannibals eat for snacks?
A: Chocolate covered aunts

Q: What is a cannibal's favorite dessert?
A: Ladies' fingers

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Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they wouldn't do that.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.

Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You idiot! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, then you had to go and eat the secretary!"

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Someone sent me recently a picture that shows the result of our trying to tax ourselves into prosperity:

Have a great rest of the week! I hope you didn't find the humor in this post too distasteful.

quotation...

"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry' ...." — Gary Larson, The Far Side

Rob

Q: What do cannibals make of politicians?
A: Bologna sandwiches.


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4 Comments on “Are You What You Eat?”

  1. #1 Dâve
    on Oct 17th, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I’d like to see how the snack Q/A goes over in both the North and the South—with the different pronunciations of “aunt” in either one. It would have to be spoken, I suppose to get the full effect. I read it as “ahnt,” and it took me a couple extra seconds. 🙂

  2. #2 Nora
    on Oct 17th, 2012 at 10:14 am

    I saw a meme the other day with a chunky middle-aged woman that said, “If the saying ‘you are what you eat’ is true, then I am going to eat a skinny woman.”

  3. #3 Ray
    on Oct 17th, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Is that one of the fabled Mobius Snakes? You can spot one from 2 yards away (depending on how big your neighbor’s yard is…).

  4. #4 Carrie
    on Oct 18th, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    I’m groaning!! The secretary. . .