ivman's blague rotating header image loading ... please wait....

Atlanta! Tut Tut!

It must be Christmas vacation because we took a day-trip to Atlanta! Last year it was to visit the Georgia Aquarium - here's a link to that post - http://blog.ivman.com/the-atlanta-aquarium This year it was to visit the King Tut exhibition.

picture of King Tut banner

The exhibition was quite interesting and held some amazing artifacts. I plan to do another blog post about it next week. Today I'm just going to post one of my favorite reads about the city of Atlanta.

Guide to ATLANTA, GEORGIA (pronunciation is: lan-uh, JAW-jah)

picture of Atlanta

This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, who has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta, Georgia.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree ... " and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House...." except in Cobb County where all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road, Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace, Peachtree Avenue, Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Hills, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, Old Peachtree, West Peachtree, Peachtree-Dunwoody, Peachtree-Chamblee, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.

Atlantans know only their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.

Atlantans do not believe in turn signals. You will never see a native signal at a stop light, to change lanes, or to merge. Never.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all they drink there, so don't ask for any other soft drink ... unless it's made by Coca Cola. And even then, it's all still "Coke."

Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. The doors on the trains in the airport do not reopen like an elevator if you stick your hand out. And they hurt.

It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on.

The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don't feel lost ... they're just on a "scenic drive."

The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 7:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00 a.m. Saturday.

Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody, especially those who live in Atlanta. Stay out of these lanes unless you are looking for a head-on collision.

Outside of the perimeter, "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are. In the suburbs, "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss." So is "Sweetpea." "Honey" is always used by Waffle House waitresses.

Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is "pahnss duh LEE-on.")

The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers immediately to forget all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.

If a single snowflake falls the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. If there is a remote chance of snow, all the grocery stores will be sold out of not only milk, bread, and eggs (like all other true Southerners, Atlantans must sit around the house eating French toast during threats of snow), but also bottled water and toilet paper. And if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard of 2 - - -" T-shirts.

If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

It is always Smog Alert Day.

Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's version of Old Faithful erupts.

Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates, and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated number one in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.

Atlantans are very proud of our race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name. Actually, I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Don't believe the directional markers on highways. I-285 is marked "East" and "West" but you may be going "North" or "South". The locals identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop". If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the German Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA-400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus coming home from their college prep preschools.

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses, etc. are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you will die there.


Before ending this post, I want to share a picture I took in the souvenir shop at the end of our tour of the King Tut exhibit. The souvenirs ranged from cheesy little cheap trinkets to expensive items, all based on things we'd seen in the exhibit. One of the items that caught my eye was this:

picture of King Tut tissue box cover

It's a lovely tissue box cover!

Becka's blog is one week old, and my wife has already had almost 300 unique visitors. If you haven't stopped by to check it out yet, I hope you will soon.

Have a great weekend!


"You have to prize respectability less and rescue more because that's what the Lord Jesus is all about." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=

You can say what you want about the South, but you don't seem to hear of anyone retiring and moving to the North!

Print This Post Print This Post

If you enjoyed this post, to get updates when I post to my blog, sign up for your preferred method below — RSS, Twitter, or e-mail.

18 Comments on “Atlanta! Tut Tut!”

  1. #1 Lara
    on Jan 7th, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    Hubby and I love our Atlanta trips! Granted, we’re not so hot on driving around the place, although we have learned a few little helpful tips and tricks. We were there for both our honeymoon and our first anniversary, and we recommend it to anyone. (We especially recommend getting a hotel in the Vinings area. Not far from downtown, and plenty to do in Vinings itself.)

    I think the tissue box cover is a hoot, but Hubby would probably think it’s gross.

  2. #2 Lori
    on Jan 7th, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    I just wanted to let you know that I thoroughly enjoyed this post! I was referred here from Mrs. Troop and as one who just lived north of Atlanta for about 18 months, near Peachtree Parkway and Peachtree everything else and right off of GA 400, I completely agree with everything that was written here! I am laughing and crying by how accurate your description is! Oh my. I miss Atlanta. And the rush hour and the months of yellow pollen…. but I really do miss the Lakes and the Mountains and the waterfalls. Thanks for an entertaining read!

  3. #3 Kathy
    on Jan 7th, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    We saw this exhibit in Philadelphia a couple of years ago. It was great. The Ramses exhibit was in Denver years ago, and we took a group of people to that one.

    Also, concerning your new poll. Since when are Chicago and Detroit consider “eastern US cities”? OK–I’ll give you Detroit–it is still in the Eastern Time Zone–but Chicago?! Chicago is a great city to visit, though!

  4. #4 Mrs. Troop
    on Jan 7th, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    Thanks for the laugh! I’ve only been “through” Atlanta, but Lori loved it (so glad she made it over here!) and I laughed thinking about all of her descriptions that were just like your post!
    Happy New Year!

  5. #5 Deb
    on Jan 7th, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    I love traveling anywhere! And I’ve loved our few trips to Atlanta (Braves ballgames and a visit to the Center for Disease Control for our wanna-be doctor-son a few years ago). We were stranded someplace though after hours with no transportation and had to take a cab (expensive!) back to our hotel. That little wild scary ride is what I’ll remember most about Atlanta!

  6. #6 Rob
    on Jan 7th, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    @Lara – Atlanta is a great place to visit … except the traffic. And why they call it “rush hour” when no one can possibly rush anywhere!

    When I saw the Kleenex box, I just had to take a picture of it! Too weird! You’d have to have just the right dรฉcor….

    @Lori – I’m glad to know that you enjoyed it. The very best humor is what is true to life … and that is! Stop back often. I generally post twice a week.

    @Kathy – Anyone that I’ve talked to who has seen the exhibition gives it rave reviews. As far as Chicago being a city in the eastern US, I was thinking east of the Mississippi. I had included Denver, LA, San Fran, Seattle, and a few others west of the Mississippi. But then the list just seemed too long. Chicago is only a little west of Detroit, and I HAD to include Detroit so that I had one I could pick in my own poll. You know what a draw that city has for me! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve edited the question to read “the eastern half of the United States” since that’s actually what I had in mind.

  7. #7 Rob
    on Jan 7th, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    @Mrs. Troop – Glad you got some laughs out of it. Glad to pick up some traffic from your blog too. Hope you do from mine also.

    Did you all have a nice Christmas? It must have been a blast! Hope you delivered those hugs for me.

    @Deb – Your visits to ATL sound like they were fun, except the taxi ride…. You haven’t lived until you’ve had a taxi ride in China! They not expensive – kind of what you might call “cheap thrills!” And I do mean THRILLS! Oh my goodness! Those people don’t need amusement parks with scary rides as long as they have vehicles! ๐Ÿ˜€

  8. #8 Michael
    on Jan 8th, 2009 at 8:25 am

    Atlanta is a place that I need to go visit since it does have some interesting attractions. Normally I’ve just been there for sporting events. We have a good family friend who lives in Cobb County and the Big Chicken is a big deal. I have a running debate with this friend about the fact that the Big Chicken does not look like a chicken, and it’s not really that big. It is a memorable landmark and sits at a very important intersection so it can be a good reference point for directions.

    I would also like to point out that the GA-400 is the only toll road in the entire state of Georgia. It’s about three or four miles long and is smack in the middle of the city. Very odd. I know all this because I had to make an emergency exit off the Interstate one time and ended up on the 400 and could not exit off it until I had paid the toll. Grrrr.

  9. #9 Bonnie
    on Jan 8th, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Great post!
    Amen about GA 400! Our pastor says it is a good place to practice self-control OR to lose your sanctification.

    But I do have to disagree about the “Sir”, “Ma’am”, and “Sweetie” comment. No one in Atlanta is from at Atlanta, it seems. They have all moved here from another planet, and their manners must have been lost by the movers. The comment applies to other parts of the state. ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. #10 Rob
    on Jan 8th, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    @Michael – There are a lot of neat attractions in Atlanta, and for us, it’s great that it’s not really that far away. You definitely should go there on a little adventure. We’ve seen the Big Chicken since one of our day-trips took us one time to that part of town – a quilting shop just down the road from the Big Chicken, in fact. I personally like landmarks more than road names and addresses. Especially here in Greenville where it seems as if it’s frowned on to have the number part of the address of any business visible from the road.

    @Bonnie – I haven’t ever gone on the GA-400. Your remark and Michael’s make me glad that I haven’t. And I take your word for it on the โ€œSirโ€, โ€œMaโ€™amโ€, and โ€œSweetieโ€ comment since I’m not from Atlanta. Knowing how many “Greenvillians” are transplants (including my wife and me), I understand how people like us skew the stereotypes.

  11. #11 Laura
    on Jan 8th, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    I’ve been in Atlanta 2x to pick up/drop off folks at the airport, and everything went OK because someone in the know told me ahead of time to look for a certain lane of traffic and just STAY THERE. But my husband had to go through the city during rush hour on a business trip once, and it really was a rush. He reported that his partner had to go repeatedly from a dead stop to 80 mph and back again. It was nerve wracking. Maybe it was just a bad day?

    I like the changing header pictures, and just realized that the coffee cup in the address bar has MOVING steam trails. NEAT-O! Keep up the great work! I’m another reader who has enjoyed tracking down Mrs. Troop’s blog . . . thanks for the link.

  12. #12 Rob
    on Jan 9th, 2009 at 8:07 am

    @Laura – I don’t know that I’ve ever gone through Atlanta when the traffic wasn’t an issue of some sort – either fairly heavy and moving very fast or extremely heavy and barely crawling. The HOV lane is a great thing on I-85 if there are 2+ people in the car! You can usually keep moving along even if all the other traffic is at a standstill … except at one point Tuesday when there was an accident in that lane.

    Glad you like the tweaks to my site. I like the changing header pictures also, and I ran across that steaming coffee favicon the other day (a free download) and just had to have it on my blog.

  13. #13 Jenni Ertl
    on Jan 9th, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    I enjoyed this Atlanta post! I was there briefly for a couple days in 2007. Now I have a GPS. Hopefully that will help. ๐Ÿ™‚

    About that Kleenex box – I have a similar one that was given to me as a gift. It looks like an Easter Island head. I used to have it on my desk at work. It was pretty funny when people would stop talking mid-sentence because they had just noticed it! ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. #14 Amy
    on Jan 9th, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Detroit is an eastern city because it is located near where the grandbaby is. Anything close to his grandchild would be considered an eastern city so he could go and visit. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Anyway, I would not visit any of those cities because I have already been to them. I would love to visit the Outbacks of North Carolina though.

  15. #15 Laura
    on Jan 9th, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    I loved the post! I’ve been to the suburbs of Atlanta once a number of years ago to visit a friend and her family. I don’t remember much about the traffic (I wasn’t old enough to drive at the time), but I do recall being overwhelmed at the number of lanes on the interstates… I grew up in a small town where the majority of the roads were two lanes or less! ๐Ÿ™‚

    I don’t have a huge desire to go to any of those cities, but I picked Boston because I would like to go to New England someday. ๐Ÿ™‚

  16. #16 Dave
    on Jan 9th, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    Unfortunately I haven’t yet visited Atlanta, but I’m sure I will soon. Although I haven’t made the trip, I still found the guide to Atlanta to be quite funny.

    I voted for Boston in your poll simply because that’s where it all happened. Perhaps an alterior motive to going is that I would be thinking of story ideas for my blog at a record pace – in that case, the trip may not be too fun for my wife ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. #17 Michael
    on Jan 13th, 2009 at 11:14 am

    @Rob – The other thing about navigating here in Greenville (as in many of parts of the South) is that the road names change yet you are still on the same road. Perhaps the best example in Greenville is how you can go from Edwards Mill Road to Edwards Road to Howell Road to Haywood Road without actually changing roads. I’ve had to get better at giving directions via landmarks since my wife is geared more toward that mode than using street names. I do agree that businesses and residences need to do a better job of displaying their street number.

  18. #18 Janel
    on Jan 13th, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Having now lived in what is considered an Atlanta suburb for almost 8 yrs., most of what you wrote is humorous only because it’s mostly true! It is nice if you are adventurous enough to get to know the “area” and therefore benefit from all the side roads available to avoid most of the main road stress.