People have been asking me why I haven't posted any blonde jokes lately. Frankly, I have become more sensitive about blonde jokes now that my hair is becoming increasingly platinum blond. Surely the platinum blond hair must be the explanation for some of my airheadedness lately! It can't be because of my age.... I prefer to think of my "senior moments" as more like "platinum moments," thank you very much! Well, I'm giving in and posting some blonde jokes since I haven't in a long time....
Blondes (justifiably or not) have a reputation of being "airheads" or of not being the sharpest knives in the drawer. And blonde jokes have proliferated! In my files I have a *lot* of blonde jokes - more than anyone would care to read in one blog post. From time to time, I'll post some blonde jokes until I exhaust my resources.
DISCLAIMER: I hasten to add that not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde! If you're blonde, you might want to substitute the words brunette or redhead instead....
I'll start off with a real-life blonde story from my student days. When I was in a dorm student at BJU, we had assigned seats at dinner each night. We would eat supper at that table for several weeks, until the new assignments came out. This was hard in some ways because people who were more shy were in essence forced to get to know people. The upside of it, though, was that we learned to be gracious in a more formal social context with people that we didn't know very well. In fact, there are happily married BJ grads who met at one of their assigned dinner tables.
Back then, blonde jokes weren't in - we told Polack jokes. (In fact many of the old Polack jokes work well as blonde jokes.) At one dinner table where I sat there was a gorgeous blonde girl of Polish descent whose name was Beth. (I've changed her first name and will withhold the last name ... but you just know that it had to end in -ski.) Beth took everyone's Polack jokes fairly good-naturedly (probably since she was blonde and forgot that she was Polish too....) Anyway, one evening she came to dinner and announced, "Okay, everyone, *I* have a Polack joke tonight!"
We were all pretty amazed. Here's the joke she told us. (I promise you...I am *not* making this story up!) Beth asked, "How do you break a Polack's nose?" (Everyone who'd heard the joke before just cringed, knowing that she was messing it up royally.) Someone said, "Okay, Beth, how do you break a Polack's nose?" Her reply, "You hit him in the finger." I thought that they were going to have to carry us all out of the dining common that night after our beautiful, dumb blonde Beth switched the question and the punchline. It was just *too* delicious! And it really did happen to me!
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice, and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in her change. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps sending out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go at it. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning!"
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."
A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?".
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "Hello!!! You are on the other side!"
A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"
The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Are they close?"
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
"Well, are their lights on?"
"Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."
Why can't blondes dial 911?
--They can't find the eleven on the phone!
Did you hear about the blonde who succeeded in reaching 911 to let them know that her house was on fire? After she finished telling about the problem, the dispatcher asked her, "How do we get to your house?"
She replied, "DUH! In your big red truck?!?"
Some states are now requiring that the switch for highbeam headlights be installed as a button on the floor of the car as they used to be. The problem that occasioned this legislation was the large number of accidents being caused by blondes trying to turn on their brights and getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
(back to newscast)
Blonde: OK. Here's my $20.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same story on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for less than 20 bucks?"
(Finally a "smart blonde" joke, huh?)
"The Bible doesn't talk about rights. It talks about responsibility." - John Hutcheson
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
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