Even if you don't like them, you have to admit that cats are interesting creatures. Although they can be very animated and move silently at lightening speed, they spend about 20 hours out of every 24 sleeping. That is true not only of domestic cats, but also the big cats like lions and tigers. I didn't grow up with cats since my mom, for whatever reason, said she didn't like them. My wife, however, comes from a long line of "cat people." The first summer of our marriage I brought home an adorable kitten for her. Becka thought we should name her Elsa because she was free. (Think: Born Free....) It didn't take long till I was hooked. That kitten (and later cat) was just so much fun!
One reason some people don't like cats is that they don't understand that cats operate by a different set of laws from dogs. Maybe once those who don't like cats know what these laws are, they can appreciate cats more. But then again, these laws may clinch why cat haters don't like them. Anyway, here's a list of laws to which cats adhere, with an occasional personal story from my experience.
Cat Laws of Physics
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
Law of Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can be stored only by a lot of napping.
Law of Kitchen Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator, a stove, a kitchen cupboard or a microwave oven long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Corollary: If a cat stands directly behind a human in the kitchen, its tail will be trodden on; the human will then offer the cat something good to eat by way of apology.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
personal story: When we were first married and living in Detroit, we survived the winters by using an electric blanket with dual controls since I prefer to sleep cooler than Becka does. One bitterly cold night, I kept turning up the heat on my side and still couldn't get warm, which was most unusual. Becka said she was plenty warm, which was also most unusual. Anyway, I finally figured out that my side was not working. I got up to check to see if everything was firmly attached, only to discover that our dear little Elsa had chewed through the wire on my side! I remember thinking it was too bad it hadn't been while the blanket was on!
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment, times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
Law of Feline Gravity Manipulation
Cats have the ability manipulate gravity, forming localized areas of strong gravitational attraction, whereby giving the impression of growing heavier as it occupies a lap or bed. This is a linear effect with gravity increasing at a steady rate over time.
Law of Cat Location
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where it "might" be. As soon as you know where it is, it will move.
Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, it can't hear a simple command three feet away.
Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.
Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap it occupies.
Law of Feline Vomiting
The frequency that a cat vomits on a given surface is directly proportional to the difficulty of cleaning the given surface and also proportional the likelihood of the given surface to acquire permanent stains.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.
Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
As a cat owner I have discovered why certain expressions exist — cat nap, nervous as a cat, curiosity killed the cat, etc. One expression that we use often is fraidy cat since our cats seem to be afraid of so many things, including people they don't know or don't know well. In connection with that we call them spamalopes, which comes from this Far Side cartoon.
Since the arrival of Megan and Drew, the cats have spent a lot of time hiding under our bed. The moment they hear Drew going to bed, out they come. The other night our grandson Drew woke up several times crying from bad dreams. The cats were in their usual positions at our feet, but I fully expected them to scurry under the bed. In the darkness I could see they were in their "sphinx position" and calm but wary. Becka asked if the cats were still there, and I simply replied, "Yes, the spamalopes are still with us." That says it all for us.
Do these laws of cat physics make cats make more sense to you? I'm sure some of you can write some great corollaries to some of these laws. I look forward to your comments about cats.
"There's no totem pole tall enough for you to sit atop and be above God." - Drew Conley
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? =^..^=
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