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Crazy Classifieds, part 1

picture of classified ad

In a recent post called Extra! Extra! Read all about it! I talked about the decline in circulation and subsequent demise of some newspapers that have been around for years. One of the favorite sections of the paper that many people will miss is the classifieds. Though meant to be helpful, but they are often a great source of humor, intentionally or otherwise.

I have scans of quite a few funny classifieds as well as text of some reportedly real ads. Because of the sheer quantity, I'm breaking the post into two parts. Here are some particularly poorly-worded ads.

WARNING: Don't read these unless you're in a place where you are free to laugh out loud at least several times.

I'll start off with some help wanted ads.

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Here are some items for sale.

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Here are several (a little too?) personal ads.

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Illiterate? Write today for help.

Auto Repair Service. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and Save! Limit one per customer.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

WANTED: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!

Vacation special: Have your home exterminated.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For rent: Six-room hated apartment.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Man, honest, will take anything.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


And who said spelling and word order don't matter?! 🙂

I have added part 2 to this post – http://blog.ivman.com/crazy-classifieds-part-2

Our campus son Tim, whom I mentioned in the post Rules of the Air, has written a book that will be off the presses this summer. I'd like to share the link to his website about this book Inherited Freedom. I was privileged to be one of his readers before the book went into production. It's a good tribute to both of his grandfathers, soldiers in the Greatest Generation. I've put a link to his site in the links on my sidebar.

I'll end this post with a picture I received today that was just screaming out to be shared. The subject line of the e-mail read:

It's official. There is a recession!

picture of classified


"Much of the trouble we face is self-inflicted." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=

Editing is a rewording activity.

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8 Comments on “Crazy Classifieds, part 1”

  1. #1 Laura
    on May 19th, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Those were great! It’s amazing what a misplaced modifier can do (or undo) in a sentence. 🙂

  2. #2 Rob
    on May 20th, 2009 at 6:47 am

    @Laura – Glad you enjoyed them. I was starting to wonder if I were the only one who did! I laughed out loud on several of them.

  3. #3 Vikki
    on May 20th, 2009 at 8:53 am

    Church bulletins are quite often full of things like this, especially in smaller churches where no one proofs it before it hits the copier.

    I remember back in my high school days (when the knights in shining armor roamed the lands rescuing damsels from dragons) reading in the news paper shortly before the start of a new school year about the dress codes for that year. It said “Skirts to the knee and hair cut above the tops of the ears.”

    OK, so do the boys need to wear the skirts above the knees and the girls the short hair or the other way around? My mother and I read it several times and had a good laugh.

  4. #4 Kent
    on May 20th, 2009 at 9:12 am

    Rob, I should have cut it out of the G’ville paper, but in the classified section under musical instruments – a toilet was advertised.

  5. #5 b.j.
    on May 20th, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    I was almost a victim of my own “small church bulletin blunder”, since I write, proof, and print everything. Someone wanted to include a praise that locally, Christmas giving to the Salvation Army was was up this year. I was in a hurry, and needed to shorten the sentence, so I wrote “local Salvation Army giving up this year.” I’m so glad I caught it before it was too late!

  6. #6 Rob
    on May 20th, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    @Vikki and b.j. – Ah yes, church bulletin bloopers! They are a great source of amusement and amazement. I did a post with a few in it. I need to do some more soon. You can read the ones I have on the blog at http://blog.ivman.com/bloopers

    @Kent – That would be a great one to see. It conjures up all kinds of mental images. Nuff said…. 😀

  7. #7 Vikki
    on May 20th, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    I bet if you asked you readers for some they have personally seen (as opposed to in an e-mail) you could really get some good church bulletin bloopers. How about church sign saying goofs while you’re at it?

  8. #8 Rob
    on May 20th, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    I’ll have to explore that one, Vikki. Before you became an ivman reader, I did several group projects that were lots of fun. Thanks for the suggestion.