This past week a former student of mine who reads my blog sent me three text messages in fairly rapid succession. They each made me laugh out loud. The humor was definitely quite sophisticated, and I decided to round up some very short, yet very high-powered bits of humor. Don't feel bad if you don't get some of them ... I don't either.
The first three are the ones my friend sent me — the ones that got this blog post rolling.
People often accuse me of "stealing other people's jokes" and being a "plagiarist." Their words, not mine.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I hate explaining puns to kleptomaniacs. They take things literally.
(Thanks JA for inspiring this post!)
Never trust atoms. They make up everything!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
There are two types of people in the world — those who crave closure
There are two types of people in the world — those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets
There are only 10 kinds of people — those who understand binary and those who don't.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life — 1. Never tell everything you know.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
That woman is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
The programmer’s wife tells him, "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Q: Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog vendor and says "make me one with everything."
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
No, to whom.
I suffer from two phobias:
1. Phobiaphobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and
2. Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right, and the statistician yells, "We got 'im!"
Q: What did the indigenous person say to the postmodern anthropologist?
A: "Can we talk about me for a change?"
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
A: I don't know and I don't care.
This sentence contains exactly threee erors
I used to be a structural linguist, but now I’m not Saussure.
I'm a linguist, therefore I like ambiguity more than most people.
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at the airport in Paris.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."
Well, I hope you at least smiled a few times and maybe even laughed more than you smiled. Some of those jokes aren't for the faint of heart. Feel free to add your favorite highbrow humor in the comments.
"I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool." — Pavlov's Dog
They told me I was naïf, and I believed them.