ivman's blague rotating header image loading ... please wait....

Humerus Puns

The other day a reader sent me a list of puns I don't remember ever seeing. I found them humorous and thought they might tickle your funny bone too. Those who hate puns may have a bone to pick with me. Make no bones about it, though, some of these will make you laugh or groan out loud.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.


"We're all adolescents when the door is closed." — Emerson Eggerichs

=^..^= =^..^=

The Zen master says to the hot dog vendor, "Can you make me one with everything?"

Print This Post Print This Post

If you enjoyed this post, to get updates when I post to my blog, sign up for your preferred method below — RSS, Twitter, or e-mail.

8 Comments on “Humerus Puns”

  1. #1 Dan Olinger
    on Jun 20th, 2012 at 8:55 am


    That “one with everything” line reminded me of the time a reporter tried a similar joke on the Dalai Lama, not realizing that puns don’t translate:


  2. #2 Ray
    on Jun 20th, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    I got promoted at the bakery when I was seen loafing on the job.

  3. #3 Carol
    on Jun 20th, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    Oh my gosh. I love the chemistry picture. Na, Na, Na. Batman. Very humerus.

  4. #4 Bruce
    on Jun 21st, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Volunteering doesn’t pay.
    Dieting is no piece of cake.
    A room full of married people looks empty because there’s not a single person in it.

  5. #5 Elizabeth
    on Jun 22nd, 2012 at 8:33 am

    When my brother was little my mom told his pediatrician that’d he’d been learning about bones. The doctor tapped Paul’s arm and asked, “Which bone is this? I’ll give you hint – it’s not funny.” Paul’s face lit up and he blurted out, “It’s the hilarious bone!”

  6. #6 Carrie
    on Jun 22nd, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Thanks for the chuckles!

  7. #7 Kristen
    on Jun 23rd, 2012 at 12:06 am

    I loved reading those puns! I like my humor with a lot of cheese, so that list was perfect. My favorite pun out of that list is the one about the theatrical performance.

  8. #8 Ray
    on Jun 29th, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Why do scientists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!