- ivman's blague - http://blog.ivman.com -

It’s a Jungle Out There!

picture of snake catchers

Do you like snakes? Even though I know there are supposed to be "good snakes" that eat "bad snakes," I still have an aversion to all snakes. We learned recently that a "crazy woman" who lives in our subdivision had released her pet python into the wild a few weeks ago. At first we didn't know whether to believe it, but her (now our) python has been sighted several times, most recently in the small lake in our subdivision. Yikes! (The picture on the right is of some men whose job it is to catch snakes — live!)

We currently need to be able to laugh about snakes, just to break the tension a little. Here are a couple of bits of snake humor I found in my files.

An anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. Here are the humorous instructions on what to do if you are about to be attacked by an anaconda:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic.

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you, always from the end and beginning at the feet. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Well, there you have it — forewarned is forearmed, I guess!


There were two snake buddies slithering along through the grass when one asked his friend, "Thay, are we poithonouth?"

And his friend answered, "Yes, very. Why do you ask?"

And the first explained, " I jutht bit my tongue."


About nine years ago when the neighborhood we lived in at the time was invaded by copperheads, I sent out an iv about snakes. I was surprised to receive e-mails from snake-handler types (two in Hendersonville NC!) saying they would come any time day or night to pick up a snake if we found one! If those guys hear about our neighborhood python, please contact me! When someone in our subdivision contacted Animal Control the other day, they were told that the snake has to get in someone's home before they will send anyone out. Nice!

Do you have any snake experiences or advice to share? Please feel free to leave a comment.


"When we think we haven't been caught, we've forgotten Who runs the universe." - Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding, but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words "hiss" and "hearse"