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Mergers and Marriages

picture of a merger

This past Sunday my son told me he had heard that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook were planning to merge. I was thinking about what a powerhouse that would be until he dropped the punchline. He added, "They're going to call it YouTwitFace!" This started me thinking about mergers (takeovers?) in the news lately, like GM and the US Federal Government. So does GM now stand for Government Motors?

Then this week's news delivered the story of the possibly soon culmination of the Chrysler/Fiat deal. I read in this morning's news that the new Chrysler will be owned 20% by Fiat, together with the U.S. and Canadian governments (who are financing the sale with $2 billion), while over 67% will be controlled by the United Auto Workers. Hmm, it should be well run after that "reorganization"....

In the wake of such unlikely mergers, here are others that would be interesting if they ever took place, or at least more humorous than the current administration's "remaking" of our auto industry. I'm not even sure some of these companies are still in business, but they're names most people would still recognize.

If Yahoo and Netscape merged, they'd be Net 'n Yahoo, with their headquarters located in Tel Aviv.

If J.C. Penney merged with Aunt Jemina, they'd be Penney Aunty.

If Fairchild Electronics merged with Honeywell, would the new company be Fairwell Honeychild?

If Wurlitzer merged with Xerox, would they specialize in the cloning of organs?

How about Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers?
It could be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear?
M-M-M Good

John Deere and Abitibi-Price?
Deere Abi

Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer?
Crab Apple

Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds?
Swiss Cheese

If 3M, J.C. Penney, and Canadian Opera Company merged?
3 Penney Opera

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining?
Zip Audi Do Da

Luvs Diapers, Hertz Rent-a-Car, and Krispy Kreme?
Luv Hertz, Donut?

If Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women merged?
Knott NOW

If FEDEX and UPS merged? They'd call it FED UP.

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil would become "Honey, I'm Home."

Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining merge and would become "Mine, All Mine."

If Allegheny Airlines merged with Braniff, they'd be All-Bran, the world's most regular airline.

If Grace Chemical bought the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics, and then merged with Hale Business Systems, would this new conglomerate be known as "Hale Mary Fuller Grace?"


In this month of wedding, let's look at the results of some possible and improbable marriages and remarriages. Some of the names below remind me of names like Mary Baker Glover Patterson Eddy (founder of Christian Science) or Liz Taylor if she had retained all her married names — Liz Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky. Phew! Anyway, here goes....

picture of a couple

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she would have been Yoko Ono Bono.

If Julie London married Bo Bridges and fell down the church steps after the wedding, she'd be Julie London Bridges falling down.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then later married Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then later married Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March II, she'd be Tuesday March II.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then later married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Nog (Quark's nephew having no other name on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") used his name twice when getting a marriage license, took the name of his bride, and married a girl whose last name was Hughes, and then later married Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Do you have any thoughts on mergers, real or fictitious?


"Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power." - Benito Mussolini

=^..^= =^..^=

Bumper sticker seen in California — Honk if you've been married to Liz!

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12 Comments on “Mergers and Marriages”

  1. #1 Michael
    on Jun 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am

    What would the seats look like on the All-Bran airline?

  2. #2 Jenni
    on Jun 10th, 2009 at 8:20 am

    If my grandmother’s sister had married my grandfather, she would have been Myrtle Ertl!

    Jenni’s last blog post..How do I love my Grape Nuts? Oh, let me count the ways!

  3. #3 Donna
    on Jun 10th, 2009 at 9:56 am

    One of my Dad’s students reminisced about one day in a class when he wasn’t feeling well and planned to dismiss them early. He started out by saying, “I’m going to tell you what Elizabeth Taylor told her 7th husband — I won’t keep you long!”

  4. #4 Ellen
    on Jun 10th, 2009 at 10:08 am

    If only the real mergers would turn out so humorous. I think that the GM/US gov’t deal will have many long-term very negative consequences for everyone (excluding Obama, of course).

  5. #5 Carrie
    on Jun 10th, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    This was lots of fun! I like Fairwell Honeychild the best. :o)

    [rq=796,0,blog][/rq]Uncle Jay

  6. #6 Rob
    on Jun 11th, 2009 at 7:01 am

    @Michael – I’m not even going to “go there”….

    @Jenni – It’s undoubtedly best that things worked out the way they did for Myrtle. We have a friend from our student days whose maiden name was Babb. If she had married a fellow student whose last name was Boone, the ending of her name would have been Babb Boone.

    @Donna – Too funny! Especially when you consider that he came up with that when he wasn’t feeling well.

    @Ellen – I fear that you are right. Time will certainly tell.

    @Carrie – Glad you enjoyed it. I’ve received e-mails from several saying that someone (meaning me) has too much time on his hands. I didn’t write most of those, though I did my usual bit of tweaking. Glad you enjoyed them.

  7. #7 Dahv
    on Jun 11th, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    If Laughing Cow® Cheese merged with Swanson® Broth, would they begin manufacturing Laughing Stock?

  8. #8 Rob
    on Jun 11th, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    @Dahv – LOL! Thanks for posting your comment.

  9. #9 Doug
    on Jun 11th, 2009 at 5:04 pm


    I’ve often thought it a shame that operatic soprano Kathleen Battle didn’t marry pianist Emanuel Ax to become Kathleen Battle-Ax.

  10. #10 Rob
    on Jun 12th, 2009 at 6:14 am

    @Doug – I like your combination — it’s seems as if the musical connection would give them a lot in common. Plus I have read that she’s not always been a very nice woman to deal with, so the name might actually fit.

  11. #11 Sue
    on Jun 13th, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    I came across a child with two odd last names: Trevor Ice-Glass.

  12. #12 Rob
    on Jun 13th, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    @Sue – That poor kid!