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Murphy’s Laws of Camping and Hiking

Several things in life lately have gotten me to thinking about camping. This past weekend our son mentioned that he and his young bride hope to go camping for a few days before their school year begins. Our daughter Nora is currently housesitting for family friends who are camping in Colorado. And finally a colleague from school sent me a link to the picture below. I would call this "extreme camping" - another, not me, man! Rather than 1,000 words, this picture says just one - YIKES!!!

I'd call this extreme camping!

All this stuff about camping made me think of something in my files - Murphy's Laws of Camping and Hiking. For those unfamiliar with Murphy's Laws, you can read up about them by going here [1]. Those of you thinking about getting in a camping trip before the school year begins might want to be reminded of the following....

Murphy's Laws of Camping and Hiking

Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.

The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.

The size of each of the stones in your boot is also directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.

Feet expand when removed from hiking boots. The same law applies to tents and tent bags, clothing and backpacks, and sleeping bags and stuff sacks.

If you take your boots off, you'll never get them back on again.

When hiking, you take half as many downhill steps as uphill.

The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.

The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.

The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.

The local density of mosquitos is inversely proportional to your remaining repellent.

The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.

The area of level ground in the vicinity tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.

When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it will already be occupied.

Average temperature increases or decreases with the amount of clothing brought.

The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you're trying to set up camp.

Tent stakes come only in the quantity "N - 1" where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.

Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.

All available humidity and moisture will congregate on match heads.

If no match heads are in the vicinity, all moisture will congregate inside waterproof clothing.

Waterproof clothing isn't. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).

Waterproof matches aren't.

Non-stick pans aren't.

One size fits all doesn't.

Anything bug-proof isn't.

Your side of the tent will always be the side that leaks.

Rocks and sticks rise above dirt when irritated by tent flooring fabric.

All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.

Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.

When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, you should substitute "hour" for "minute" when reading the average quarts filtered per minute.

All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of any of your sensitive body parts.

You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.

Rain. ('nuff said)

Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.

When you are camping in late fall or winter, your underwear will stay at approximately 35.702 degrees Kelvin (-395.136 degrees Fahrenheit) no matter how long you keep it in your sleeping bag with you.

Bears. (see Rain)

The probability of diarrhea increases by the square of the thistle or poison ivy content of the local vegetation.

When one is in a mummy bag, the urgency of the need to relieve oneself is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.

95% of a backpack's contents could have been left at home.

The 5% left at home will be needed.

Tents never come apart as easily when you're leaving a site as when you're trying to get them set up in the first place.

The memory of misery approaches zero as the memory of joy approaches infinity.

When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your "vacation" you'll be too tired to go to back for a week after.

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We're amazed at how soon "summer vacation" will be over! Three weeks from today we begin our faculty in-service meetings at the university. I am *so* ready for all the construction projects on campus to be completed, and I am very eager to see my students again.

quotation...

"Do you obey God when it's costly?" - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?