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News Flash from the North Pole


picture of Bubba Claus

(The following is a note from Santa Claus.)

Dear y'all,

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences that have been noted:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola, pork rinds, and a MoonPie on the mantle.

picture of a Bubba Claus dog

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. Fun Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" and "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

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As I did my exhausting research for this post, I was surprised that is Bubba Claus almost as famous as his flannel shirttail cousin Santa Claus, with all sorts of Bubba Claus items out there. I found a Bubba Claus knife by Schrade, Bubba Claus albums and CD's, and even a Bubba Claus quilt.

This post seems to be the perfect opportunity to share pictures of an incredible redneck Christmas tree sent to me by several people.

picture of redneck Christmas tree

picture of redneck Christmas tree

picture of redneck Christmas tree

picture of redneck Christmas tree

picture of redneck Christmas tree

And now the most amazing part - how beautiful a bunch of Mountain Dew cans can look...

picture of redneck Christmas tree

This will be my only blog post this week. Next week I'll post on Monday evening again with some fresh family pictures since our whole little family will be together here for a few days. In the meantime, here's a picture of our grandson Drew whose mom helped him make his first snow angel in the heavy snow they got a few days ago.

picture of Drew making a snow angel

Wherever your Christmas celebration is on the scale from redneck to elegant, may it be joyous! Here's a final greeting from Bubba Claus and his dawgs who will be visiting our (red)neck of the woods.

picture of Bubba Claus and his dawgs

quotation...

"God goes after the ones religious people think are unlikely and saves them." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Snowflakes are one of the most fragile things in nature, but just look at what they can do when they stick together.


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16 Comments on “News Flash from the North Pole”

  1. #1 Carrie
    on Dec 22nd, 2008 at 5:19 pm

    I love the Mt. Dew tree!!! I couldn’t vote in your poll since ours is made of paper and decorated with paper ornaments. We didn’t have room to bring our tree along up here, so Steven and the kids made do. It’s actually quite pretty, in my unbiased opinion.

    AND I’ll be bummed to miss Bubba Claus this year! We’re back up in Santa territory! Actually, we’re only about 20 miles from North Pole, Alaska. (Not to be confused with THE North Pole, although there is plenty of Santa stuff there.)

  2. #2 Michael
    on Dec 22nd, 2008 at 8:53 pm

    And, of course, Bubba Claus does not belong to a union since he is from the South.

    My wife and I will be enjoying time in the beautiful Southwest of Glendale, Arizona. I guess in that part of the country we’ll be visited by “Santa Clausa”. And, you failed to show in the last picture of the Mountain Dew tree how the lights on the tree were powered by the person who had consumed all the Mountain Dew. A real life Uncle Fester of sorts.

    Have a blessed Christmas with the family. Miss seeing you over the break.

  3. #3 Jason
    on Dec 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 pm

    I love the idea of Bubba Claus! I love the Mountain Dew tree too! Reminds me of stories my dad has told us about grandpa. Apparently for a year or two, back in the day, he would make a Christmas tree out of a two-by-four and branches the neighbors had trimmed/cut off their trees. Drill a few holes, jam the branches into them, and there you have it, your very own home-made tree!

  4. #4 Mrs. Troop
    on Dec 22nd, 2008 at 10:19 pm

    Very funny post! I suppose we get Bubba Claus around here, too!
    And Jason’s comment made me think of my dad. We always had a real tree growing up and it was never “perfect” enough. Dad would saw branches off where they didn’t belong and drill holes in the trunk to move them. OCD makes for a pretty tree!
    The thought of how much caffeine someone consumed to empty all of those mountain dew cans makes me shiver!

  5. #5 Rob
    on Dec 22nd, 2008 at 10:22 pm

    @Carrie – I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Is it the question form of an understatement if I asked if y’all will be having a white Christmas up there in Alaska? Joyeux Noël!

    @Michael – Apparently Bubba Claus will fight it out with anyone who questions his belonging to a union, even though they’re now well viewed here in the South. Will your wife’s family have a Christmas cactus out there in Arizona? If so, don’t get too close to it! I’ll miss seeing you over the break too.

    @Jason – Your grandpa sounds like quite a character! Has heredity transmitted any of that to you?

  6. #6 Rob
    on Dec 23rd, 2008 at 6:52 am

    @Mrs. Troop – Yes, I think you might be in Bubba Claus range where you live. 🙂 I LOL at your description of your dad’s OCD Christmas tree enhancement! And you’re right about the caffeine level of that much Dew. YIKES! Maybe the cans were left from the whole clan’s Thanksgiving get-together. May you and your family have a joyous Christmas celebration. Greetings to Coach. BTW, we received a Christmas card yesterday from Ash and Faith. What a lovely family picture! Do you live near them? If so, give them a hug for me.

  7. #7 nora
    on Dec 23rd, 2008 at 9:39 am

    the floppy earred “coon-dog” weimaraner is adorable… and i’m sure would have the energy to pull the sleigh around the world a couple times. 🙂

  8. #8 Jason
    on Dec 23rd, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    No… I don’t think much of my grandpa’s personality came down to me. It did come down to my dad, however… I don’t even know how many things my dad has fixed around the house or on the car with velcro strips (not duct tape… velcro strips). He’s often joked about doing the 2×4 tree… I hope he never gives in… lol.

  9. #9 Heather
    on Dec 23rd, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    Wow, the Mountain Dew tree actually looks pretty when it’s lit up (at least till you get to the two-liter jug up top, lol!). A pic of that would make a nice Christmas ad for Pepsi Co. 🙂

  10. #10 Rob
    on Dec 23rd, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    @nora – Did you notice that dog’s dental issues? (not so adorable….) As for energy, if Bubba Claus’s dogs have as much energy as Paisley does, Bubba Claus could probably take over Santa’s routes too. 🙂

    @Jason – I was just kidding. You seem much more mellow than your description of your grandpa. I do admire the “can do” attitude, though, in your dad’s repairs. His motto must be “veni, vidi, velcro” … I came, I saw, I stuck around.

  11. #11 Jessica
    on Dec 24th, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    My first thought on the Mountain Dew tree coincided with Mrs. Troop’s….and all that sugar too. Gross! It does look neat, though.

  12. #12 Rob
    on Dec 24th, 2008 at 1:43 pm

    @Heather – I agree – the 2-liter bottle rather spoils the elegant effect of the rest of the tree!

    @Jessica – I’m sure that, as responsible rednecks, they must have visited a recyling center to obtain all those empty cans.

  13. #13 Dave
    on Dec 25th, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    The mention of RC Cola, pork rinds, and a MoonPie makes me a little hungry. A southern treat I haven’t been able to enjoy in a very long time is a Coke with roasted/salted peanuts thrown in. Sounds strange, yes, but it’s very good. It’s basically the country boy’s version of bubble tea (which I also recommend).

  14. #14 Rob
    on Dec 26th, 2008 at 8:37 am

    @Dave – I’ve tried your version of bubble tea and it’s quite good. Back in the day, when I was a dorm student, guys who were masters of the art would put the peanuts right into the Coke bottle – yes it came standard in bottles back then – in the last millennium.

  15. #15 Dave
    on Dec 26th, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Rob, you may be delighted to know that the only times I have had peanuts in Coke is when I had Coke in a glass bottle. There’s just something about drinking it out of a glass bottle…

  16. #16 Rob
    on Dec 26th, 2008 at 10:35 pm

    @Dave – you have truly lived! 🙂