ivman's blague rotating header image loading ... please wait....

Old Jokes

anti-aging cream

Do any of you jokesters ever hear the complaint that you tell the same old jokes all the time? Sometimes it may be because the jokester is getting a little older. Other times it may be because the joke perfectly fits the situation. And still other times, it may just be because the joke happens to be among the jokester's favorites.

Somehow it seems like the perfect time for today's blog post to be a compilation of some of my favorite jokes about old age. And yes, some of them are ones I have already posted on my blog ... although several were posted over 5 years ago. I guess if my readers remember the jokes from that long ago, they must be worth retelling.

On to some old jokes about old folks....

On their way to their vacation destination, an elderly couple stopped at a service station. The attendant came out and said, "Hi! Fill it up?" to which the old man replied, "Yes, please."

His wife asked, "What did he say?" and her husband yelled, "HE ASKED IF WE WANTED HIM TO FILL IT UP."

To pass the time during the fill up, the friendly attendant asked, "Where ya goin'?" to which the husband replied, "We're going to spend our vacation at Hilton Head, in our son's condo."

His wife asked, "What did he say?" and her husband yelled, "HE ASKED WHERE WE WERE GOING. I TOLD HIM TO HILTON HEAD."

The attendant then said, "You're in luck - the weather there is supposed to be perfect for the next two weeks.

His wife asked, "What did he say?" and her husband yelled, "HE SAID THE WEATHER WILL BE NICE."

The attendant then asked the man, "Where do you live when you're not on vacation?" to which the husband replied, "We live in Richmond, VA." The attendant said with surprise, "I know a woman from Richmond. She talks non-stop and drives her husband crazy!"

His wife asked, "What did he say?" and her husband yelled, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE'S MET YOU BEFORE!"


Here are the top ten games at oldsters' birthday parties:

1. Sag - You're It!
2. Hide and Go Sleep
3. Hide and Go Seek Your Own Easter Eggs (a variation on the previous game)
4. 20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
5. Kick the Bucket
6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
7. Spin the Bottle of Liniment
8. Musical Recliners
9. Simon Says Something Incoherent
10. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy


A young man called his Jewish mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible, Mom. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

extra 20 years

An octogenarian was talking with a friend about his upcoming nuptials. His friend asked if his fiancée was young and beautiful.

"No, she's in her early 70's, homely, and has the body to go with it."

"Well, is she rich?"

"No, poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, she must be a good cook?"

"Nope, can't cook worth anything."

"Then why in the world are you marrying her?"

"She can still drive!"


A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.

"I have no idea", says the husband.

"Well, please test her. Say something 20 feet away, and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing until she does. That way we'll have an idea of the extent of her hearing loss."

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.

From 10 feet, same thing.

From 5 feet, same thing.

Finally he's standing right behind her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She turns around, looks at him, and says, "For the fourth time, BEEF STEW!"


An elderly man was struck by a car as he was walking across the road. The impact to his head caused him to be comatose for two days before finally regaining consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him. He held her hand and said meaningfully, "Edna, no matter what, you have always been by my side. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to keep on trying."

Edna squeezed his hands as he continued. "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out yet more job ads for me to pursue." He continued, "Then I started to work at a little firm where I finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And there you were, beside me. Then after being laid off for a long time, I finally got another job, but I was never promoted and my hard work was not recognized. Therefore, I've remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. And through it all, you've been there beside me." Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband.

"And now I've had an accident and almost died, and when I woke up, there you were, right beside me. There's something I'd really like to say to you after all these years." Sobbing with emotion, she was ready to bask in his praise. Her husband proclaimed, "Edna, I think you really bring me bad luck!"


I hope you enjoyed these classic bits of humor.


"Agape love is one-way love. It gives; then it gives again, and again, ...." — Ted Allston


Seen on the bumper of an older person's car: Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Print This Post Print This Post

If you enjoyed this post, to get updates when I post to my blog, sign up for your preferred method below — RSS, Twitter, or e-mail.

2 Comments on “Old Jokes”

  1. #1 Jonathan
    on Mar 5th, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Can’t believe I’ve been retelling that joke for 5 years.

    Rob adds:
    LOL, Jonathan!

  2. #2 Bruce
    on Mar 6th, 2014 at 9:03 am


    Enjoyed the aging humor. I was recently told that a way to tell you are getting older is when people by you birthday presents you can use right away.