- ivman's blague - http://blog.ivman.com -

One-Liners Are Some of My Favorites

As I was looking through my files, I found a list of one-liners that were sent to me by a long-time reader who has now been in heaven for several years. Some I've seen and maybe even posted before, but there were quite a few in the list that were new to me. So, in memory of P.D., I post this list of one-liners.

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

The days of a digital watch are numbered.

Do not curse the darkness; check the warranty.

Today's subliminal message is

People who kill people give guns a bad name.

There is no future in time travel.

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.

Psychoceramics: the study of crackpots.

In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be identified and fired!

If you want to know the value of money, try to borrow some.

Put on your seat belts. I want to try something.

It's always darkest just before you step on the cat.

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Are you illiterate? Write to us for a free book.

The buck doesn't even slow down here.

When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

California does have its faults.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have two choices for dinner; take it or leave it.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Pity the insomniac, dyslexic agnostic who lies awake at night wondering whether there really is a dog.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Nothing ventured — nothing gained — nothing taxed.

Press to test ... release to detonate!

Give a woman an inch, and right away the whole family is on a diet.

We do precision guesswork.

Boy: noise with dirt on it.

If it ain't broke, let me have a shot at it. (Or as Red Green would say, "If it ain't broke, you're not trying.")


Our classes start a week from today. We teachers are working hard to get everything ready. I'm eager to see my former students and to meet my new students.


"Jesus didn't say 'without me you can do nothing' and then tell us 'now, go do nothing.'" — Drew Conley


Funny, I don't remember being absentminded.