ivman's blague rotating header image loading ... please wait....

Computer Woes


Recently I came upon some pictures that would make any electrician cringe.

tangle of wires

more tangles

such technology

Those pictures are scenes from India. It's where you probably end up calling when you have a technical problem with your computer!

Here's a story I heard recently about someone fortunate enough to have local tech support:

SUPPORT: Hello, this is Tech Support. How can I help you?

COMPUTER USER: Last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noise at me so I shut it down. This morning when I turned it on it started hissing and cracking, then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing.

SUPPORT: I'll have a technician come over first thing this morning, just leave the computer just like it is, so he can find the problem and fix it, or change it out with another computer. Give me your address and phone number. The technician will be there just as soon as he can.

When the technician got there, the woman showed him where the computer was and repeated what had happened to it. This is what the technician found wrong. Take a look at the pictures... you won't believe your eyes!!! !!

strange computer problem

quite a cable

snakes are for plumbing

YIKES!

And you thought you had computer problems!

The technician told her: It must have been after the mouse!

The woman didn't think that was funny at all.

divider

Since my summer job is being a PC tech on campus, I find myself hoping I never have to face something like that!

The other day a fellow tech sent me a cartoon that made me laugh out loud. When duty calls, one must answer that call....

Imagine ... someone being wrong on the Internet

quotation...

"I serve a living God, and He can get a hold of me any time He wants to." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Weird Science


A freshman at Eagle Rock High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair a few years back. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can

    1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
    2. it is a major component in acid rain
    3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
    4. accidental inhalation can kill you
    5. it contributes to erosion
    6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
    7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

 

He asked 50 people if they would support a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water!

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He believes that the conclusion is obvious.

divider

Water is on the minds of a lot of us right now - the flooding in the Midwest and the severe drought in the Southeast. Our lawn is crunchy because I simply can't afford to spray dihydrogen monoxide on it as well as the Lord can. Speaking of water, just today I received a link to an interesting picture from nasa.gov - a picture of water on Mars - http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/0504/WaterOnMars2_gcc.jpg

Though we try to live responsibly in our house, I for one am getting sick to death of hearing the expressions "green" and "global warming" - basically having them crammed down my throat. I strongly suspect that it is driven more by agenda than by science. And people are gullible enough to fall for it, lapping up whatever the alarmists dish out.

Now some more weird science, possibly as credible as some of what we're being assailed with lately....

divider

Then there are those students who aren't quite as lucid as the freshman in the first story....

A teacher sent me the following list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire"

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

Who knows, one of these young scholars could have first come up with the global warming hoax....

divider

The poll that I had up for a week revealed that over 80% of my visitors prefer that I leave the picture of the Paris skyline at the top of my blog, and so there it remains. Thanks to those who took the time to give their input.

divider

My most recent blog post was about senior swingers and their personal ads. This weekend we received some pictures of a young swinger ... our grandson Drew. Here are a few of the pictures we received:

our little swinger

a driving ambition

having lots of fun

quotation...

"Today people boldly redefine right and wrong. ... The reason we want to redefine things is because we don't like the guilt we feel when we keep falling short" - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Senior Personals


today's instant vacation...

My wife and I have long since gotten over the initial sting of when we first started being offered seniors discounts. What bothered me when I was offered a discount for the first time, I wasn't yet old enough to be eligible! (So what does that tell you?!) Now we actually ask if we're eligible! Quite the reversal, huh? Today's iv is a couple of my favorite bits of senior humor.

The 84-Year-Old Bride

A local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old woman because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," thought the newsman. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now, in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"That's easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, ... two for the show, ... three to get ready, ... and four to go!"

divider

This is Rob again. We actually learned recently that a long-time friend, a widower, will be getting married in August. This octagenarian met his wife-to-be on eHarmony.com! Neither of them is living in what are typically thought of as places where retirees choose to live, where these senior romances seem to abound. Here's the second bit of senior humor:

In Florida and Arizona (where retirees abound), the personal ads have become rather long-in-the-tooth. Here is a sampling:

FOXY LADY: Fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, smart-dressing man. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.

GROOVY: I still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run, but walks well.

divider

Our latest reminder of being seniors was yesterday at the World of Coca Cola in Atlanta, where 55+ is considered "senior." My wife and I spent the day in Atlanta yesterday to see friends who were visiting from France. They lived in Greenville in the mid 1990s and we got to know them well. The last time we were in France with a team of students in 2001, these friends came to see us one weekend in Rouen. We had a wonderful time together, renewing our ties with them. A new Atlanta experience for us, in addition to being in Atlanta in the summer and having the temps be in the mid 80s with low humidity, was getting all over the place on MARTA. It got us very close to everywhere we wanted to go - including to a bus stop right across the street from one of our Atlanta favorites the Dekalb Farmers Market. The MARTA workers were extremely friendly and helpful - several even spoke French to us! What more could you want for an eight dollar, all-day pass?

Back to the World of Coca Cola for a second.... The new museum has some neat new features, but we still prefer the old Coke Museum. Do any of you who have visited both the old Coke museum and this new one share our opinion?

quotation...

"Bad people don't become good people by rules." - J. D. Crowley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Senior pick-up line... A well dressed gentleman in his mid-eighties enters a local diner. When he spots an immaculately groomed lady in her mid-seventies seated at the lunch counter, he goes directly to the counter and sits down on the stool beside her. He looks at her slyly and says, "Say, do I eat here often?"

Did Your Dad Say This?


today's instant vacation...

I'm posting "off schedule" because I want to share some of my favorite humor about dads. As scary as it is now to look in the mirror and see my dad, it was scarier yet when I first started hearing my dad when I interacted with my kids as they grew up. I would say something and think afterwards how unoriginal or recylced it was - I was unintentionally quoting or paraphrasing my own dad! I lost my dad 34 years ago (massive heart attack at age 42), and I still miss him a lot. There's so much I would love to be sharing with him. I know he would absolutely love my kids and be as proud of them as I am. And my kids would love him as much as I do.

Many of us have favorite quotations from our fathers and/or grandfathers. The list below is a list of favorite "dadisms" and also some things you would never hear your dad say.

How many of the following have you heard coming from a father?

Don't ask me, ask your mother.

Close the door. Were you born in a barn?

You didn't beat me. I let you win.

Big boys don't cry.

Don't worry. It's only blood.

Now you listen to ME, Buster!

A little dirt never hurt anyone - just wipe it off.

I told you, keep your eye on the ball.

Who said life was supposed to be fair? Life is not fair.

Always say please and thank you.

If you forget, you'll be grounded till the end of the world.

"Hey" is for horses.

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

Turn off those lights.

Don't give me any of your lip, young lady.

We're not lost. I'm just not sure where we are.

Do you think I am made of money?

No, we're not there yet.

Shake it off. It's only pain.

When I was your age , I....

As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.

I'll tell you why. Because I said so. That's why.

Do what I say, not what I do.

Sit up straight!

So you think you're smart , do you?

What's so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.

Young ladies perspire; they do not sweat.

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times....

You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.

If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me.

You should visit/call/write more often. Your mother worries.

I'm not sleeping - I was watching that channel.

I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!

Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.

What do you think I am, a bank?

What part of NO don't you understand?

I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody else's father!

You're not leaving my house dressed like that!

Hurt much? I didn't feel a thing.

If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough.

Didn't your teacher learn you anything?!

Do you think I'm made of money?

It's hard to be good and easy to be bad.

I got my tongue wrapped around my eye-tooth and couldn't see what I was saying.

Hey, did you hear me talking to you?

You know you're always gonna be Daddy's little girl.

I'm not sleeping while I watch television. I'm just resting my eyes.

Don't use that tone with me!

Am I talking to a brick wall?

If you do that one more time, I'll....

Act your age.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

Wipe your feet!

Enough is enough! Don't make me stop the car!

What did I just get finished telling you?

divider

Here are some things you'll never hear a dad say:

Leave the lights on. I don't care about the power bill.

You know ... I am made of money. Money really does grow on trees; of course, you can have that toy, book, car, etc. Whatever you want is yours

In my day, we had it much easier than you do. My parents drove me to school even though it was just next door.

Don't save for a rainy day. Your mom and I will always be here to bail you out.

You know, Honey, now that you're thirteen, you're ready for unchaperoned dates.

I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

What do I want for my birthday? Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal.

What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?

Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.

Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Have fun!

Father's Day? aahh - don't worry about that -- it's no big deal to me.

divider

This is Rob again. I hope that all you dads have a great Father's Day!

quotation...

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth." III John 4

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

The Ultimate Post-It Note Office Prank?


I received a humorous e-mail yesterday that I thought had potential as a blog post. I would hate to be the car owner ... once I was done laughing about the prank.

The Ultimate Post-It Note Office Prank?

It definitely raises the bar! Somewhere there's a very unhappy office manager with nothing left in the annual 'supplies' budget .

How would you like to walk to your car and find this?

car with Post-It notes

car with Post-It notes

car with Post-It notes

car with Post-It notes

car with Post-It notes

car with Post-It notes

car with Post-It notes

car with Post-It notes

My wife and I are certainly glad it's Friday - we're working on a special project for our church, are pretty tired, and ask for your prayers. I will be able to explain better once it's over.

Here are a couple of recent pictures of our grandson Drew....

Drew plays hard and sleeps it off

Drew plays hard and sleeps it off

house wren update...

As best as I can determine, the baby birds have died and disappeared. We had several days in a row where the daytime high temperatures were near or at 100 degrees in the last week - unseasonably high temps, to say the least. The little bird house is shaded at no time during the day at all, and I guess the little birdies just didn't survive it. :-(

quotation...

"I serve a living God, and He can get a hold of me any time He wants." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

How many people thought of the Post-it note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?