Lately working for IT HelpDesk I've made quite a few trips to repair things in the Gustafson Fine Arts Center. It made me think of some musical humor I received recently. The thing I'm sending you today is *definitely* musical, but the humor is based on many other areas of expertise, with enough word play to satisfy the most avid punsters among us. I have to admit that I personally didn't "get" some of it - I guess I'm not musical enough?
Adagio formaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.
Al dente con tableau: In opera, chew the scenery.
Al egretto: Played with a feathery tone.
Allegro con brillo: The fastest way to wash pots and pans.
Allegro non groppo: Play fast, and don't fumble for the notes.
AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei: To play with a divinely beefy tone.
Antiphonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.
A patella: Accompanied by knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: A composition that you regret after playing it.
Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer, especially when disguised with an air of "I meant to do that."
Approximento: A musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.
Basso continuo: The act of game fishing after the legal season has ended.
Basso profundo: An opera about deep sea fishing.
Brake drum: The instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra.
Cacophany: A composition incorporating many people with chest colds.
Cadenza: Something that happens when you forget what the composer wrote.
Cantabile: To achieve a complaining sound, as if you have a sour stomach.
Concerto grossissimo: A really bad performance.
Coral Symphony: (see: Beethoven - Caribbean period).
Cornetti trombosis: Disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians are not careful when exiting the stage.
D.C. al capone: You betta go back to the beginning, capiche?
Diatonic: A low calorie drink.
Dill piccolini: An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Diminuendo: The process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.
Dulcet: Worthless steak knives.
Eardrum: A teeny, tiny timpani.
Espressivo: Used to indicate permission to take a coffee break.
Fermantra: A note that is held over and over and over and....
Fermatahorn: An Alpine wind instrument used for playing long notes.
Fiddler crabs: Grumpy string players.
Flute flies: Gnat-like bugs that bother musicians on outdoor gigs.
Fog hornoso: A brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
Fortississippi: With mighty, flowing strength.
Frugalhorn: A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.
Gaul blatter: A French horn player.
Good conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.
Gregorian champ: The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest.
Herbert vonCarryon: A conductor who never rides in the cargo hold.
Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds - major interval: a long time; minor interval: a few bars; inverted interval: you have to go back one bar and try again.
L'istesso tempo: An indication to play as if you don't care.
Kvetchendo: Gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Maestro: A person who, standing in front of the orchestra and/or chorus, is able to follow them precisely.
Maestrousseau: At the pace of a wedding march.
Mallade: A romantic song that's pretty sickening.
Metronome: A small person who lives in the city.
Molto bolto: Head straight for the ending, but don't make it seem rushed.
Opera buffa: Musical stage production with bare-minimal costuming.
Pesante: An effect distinctly non-upper-class.
Pipe smoker: An extremely virtuosic(k) organist.
Placebo Domingo: A faux tenor.
Poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.
Pre-Classical Conservatism: School of thought which fostered the idea,"if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it."
(The) Rights of Strings: Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.
Rubato: A cross between a rhubarb and a tomato.
Schmalzando: A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band.
Spinet: Politicians' best technique.
Spritzicato: Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon.
Status cymbal: An instrument to be played at inaugurations and debutante balls.
Stringendo: An unpleasant effect produced by the violin section when it doesn't use vibrato.
Tempo tantrumo: What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the conductor.
Timpani Alley: A row of kettledrums.
Tincanabulation: The annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical person using extremely cheap bells.
Toiletto: The effect on the human voice of reverberation in small rooms with ceramic tiles.
Trouble clef: Any clef one can't read, e.g., alto clef for pianists.
Vesuvioso: A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
Vibratto: Child prodigy son of the concertmaster.
Till I'm back at you this time next week, ciao!
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in the world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - C. S. Lewis
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Tried to play my shoehorn ... all I got was footnotes!