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Blonde One- and Two-Liners

Here's the second installment of blonde humor. Today's "iv" is a list of Q & A about blondes and some blond one-liners...

Standard DISCLAIMER: Not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde!

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair another color?
A: Artificial intelligence

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate

Q: What do you call a blonde with a yellow balloon?
A: Twins

Q: Why do blondes like to wear a pony tail?
A: To hide the air valve stem.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell that a fax you've received is from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little packet

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: Look! They spelled MACYS wrong!

Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oooo! Look! Donut seeds!

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear

Q: Why did the blonde not like her new AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side

Q: What do you call a long line of blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?
A: A wind tunnel

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There's Wite-out on the screen.

Q: How do you know that a blonde has been working too long at the computer?
A: There's handwriting over the Wite-Out.

Q: Why does a blonde put TGIF on her shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing ?
A: She was run over by the Zamboni machine.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side ?
A: An interpreter

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes ?
A: A mental block

Q: What's the Blonde's Cheer?
A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-N- ... uh ....

Q: Why does a blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't do it - they keep breaking the bulbs with hammers.

Q: What happened to the blonde coyote?
A: It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.

A: A blonde going through a flashing red light

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: Her blinker was on.

Q: What do you call the skeleton of a blonde found in a closet?
A: The winner of hide-and-seek

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow-dried her hair and she didn't want it to get messed up too much.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like crazy ... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been confirmed sightings of UFO's.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Like, I dunno!

Q: What did the blonde say as the sod truck passed her?
A: When I'm rich, I'm gonna have my lawn sent out to be mowed too.

Q: How do a blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Lather, rinse, repeat."

Q: What did the blonde do when she wanted a personalized license plate?
A: She changed her name to "ZRF 542".

Q: How do blondes count?
A: 1, 2, 3, another, another, another....

Q: What do you see when you look deep into a blonde's eyes ?
A: The back of her head

Q: What do you call a blonde standing in the middle of the empty room?
A: Central air

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Five - one to make the dough and four to peel the M&M's

Q: Why did the blonde get run over by a compact car?
A: She thought it was a big car far away.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change

Q: What happens when two blondes are walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Quick! Look at that dog with one eye!"?
A:The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart?
A: A grocery cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What happens when a redhead exclaims to a blonde, "Oh, how sad - a dead bird!"
A: The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"


Lest we automatically assume upon hearing a blonde joke that the blond is a female....

HE was so blond that...
- he got stabbed in a shoot-out
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- he tried to put his M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sat on the TV and watched the couch
- he tried to drown a fish
- when he got locked in a grocery store, he starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics"
- he tripped over a cordless phone
- he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept
- he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if he spoke his mind, he'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test
- and failed
- he thought Meow Mix was a recording for cats
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead


"Grace takes care of the if only's of life." - Dr. Thurmond Wisdom

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Some people wouldn't know an act of kindness if it hit them in the face!

Changing Times

My annual annoyance at having to switch from Daylight Savings Time to "real time" has been expanded this year by a decision from our Congress-critters (those that I prefer to think of as "they who know what's best for the rest of us, even though many of their own personal lives are in shambles") - their decision that we not only have to change the time, but also to change the week that we have to change the time! Tell that to our laptop and to our kitchen radio!!! They both reset themselves to "real time" last Sunday. Grr! The radio, I can do nothing to remedy - the autoset is built in. But for the computer I found a handy little free utility you can download from Microsoft called tzedit. You can download it by clicking on the link in the previous sentence. Save it to somewhere on your computer where you can find it, run the application, choose the Sundays you want the computer to change its time, and you shouldn't have to do anything more ... well maybe not until our Congress-critters decide to have us change time on other Sundays - like the 9th Sunday before the Solstace or some such equally sensible thing. Good grief!

I don't want to sound like an grumpy, old man bemoaning constant changes, but I'm nothing like the woman who wrote what I'm posting today!

We Must Stop These Changing Times ... Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier? And, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

Also I have noticed the ground is harder, trails are longer, and the nights have become a lot colder than they used to be!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?!

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me! I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, really now, even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, and thighs?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually *believe* the number I see on that dial?! HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on - but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

One good thing, though - I'm getting stronger! I can now carry $50 worth of groceries in one hand. Used to have make several trips to get them from the car to the kitchen!


P.S. By the way, if you're reading this online and are having trouble with the smaller fonts web designers are using nowadays, you can increase the size of the font easily with the scroll wheel on your mouse. Just hold down the Ctrl key and turn the scroll wheel. This works with Internet Explorer, Firefox, and Opera browsers.


Our daughter Megan took some cute pictures of our grandson Drew yesterday in the leaves. He looks so happy in this picture, right before what Megan has called his "meltdown." He has been a little crabby for several days, but yesterday afternoon he just cried and cried inconsolably. Megan did some checking and discovered that he's cutting two bottom front teeth - his first. Poor little guy. Anyway, here he is when he used to be a happy child...

Last weekend the Detroit Zoo had what was called Boo at the Zoo for parents with small children. Meg and Jim dressed Drew up like a little sweet pea and took him to the zoo. Here's a picture of our little "Sweet Pea."

Month two of the wellness program is past. I've met my goals both months. If I lose two more pounds, I'll be into the category for my height. If I can't shed those two pounds, I may buy elevator shoes instead.

It's hard to believe how fast this semester is flying by! Three weeks from today is Thanksgiving Day. My wife and I will be here at home alone with a Cornish game hen or something, since our two local kids will be out of town for Thanksgiving.


"God is a Person who has everything you really need and who joys in pouring it out on you every day." - Dr. Dan Olinger

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"Children are allergic to clean clothes." - Dr. Gary Guthrie

Blonde Jokes

People have been asking me why I haven't posted any blonde jokes lately. Frankly, I have become more sensitive about blonde jokes now that my hair is becoming increasingly platinum blond. Surely the platinum blond hair must be the explanation for some of my airheadedness lately! It can't be because of my age.... I prefer to think of my "senior moments" as more like "platinum moments," thank you very much! :-) Well, I'm giving in and posting some blonde jokes since I haven't in a long time....

Blondes (justifiably or not) have a reputation of being "airheads" or of not being the sharpest knives in the drawer. And blonde jokes have proliferated! In my files I have a *lot* of blonde jokes - more than anyone would care to read in one blog post. From time to time, I'll post some blonde jokes until I exhaust my resources.

DISCLAIMER: I hasten to add that not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde! If you're blonde, you might want to substitute the words brunette or redhead instead....

I'll start off with a real-life blonde story from my student days. When I was in a dorm student at BJU, we had assigned seats at dinner each night. We would eat supper at that table for several weeks, until the new assignments came out. This was hard in some ways because people who were more shy were in essence forced to get to know people. The upside of it, though, was that we learned to be gracious in a more formal social context with people that we didn't know very well. In fact, there are happily married BJ grads who met at one of their assigned dinner tables.

Back then, blonde jokes weren't in - we told Polack jokes. (In fact many of the old Polack jokes work well as blonde jokes.) At one dinner table where I sat there was a gorgeous blonde girl of Polish descent whose name was Beth. (I've changed her first name and will withhold the last name ... but you just know that it had to end in -ski.) Beth took everyone's Polack jokes fairly good-naturedly (probably since she was blonde and forgot that she was Polish too....) Anyway, one evening she came to dinner and announced, "Okay, everyone, *I* have a Polack joke tonight!"

We were all pretty amazed. Here's the joke she told us. (I promise you...I am *not* making this story up!) Beth asked, "How do you break a Polack's nose?" (Everyone who'd heard the joke before just cringed, knowing that she was messing it up royally.) Someone said, "Okay, Beth, how do you break a Polack's nose?" Her reply, "You hit him in the finger." I thought that they were going to have to carry us all out of the dining common that night after our beautiful, dumb blonde Beth switched the question and the punchline. It was just *too* delicious! And it really did happen to me! :-)


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice, and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in her change. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps sending out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go at it. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning!"


Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.


Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."


A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?".

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "Hello!!! You are on the other side!"


A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.


There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"

The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Are they close?"
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
"Well, are their lights on?"
"Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."


Why can't blondes dial 911?
--They can't find the eleven on the phone!


Did you hear about the blonde who succeeded in reaching 911 to let them know that her house was on fire? After she finished telling about the problem, the dispatcher asked her, "How do we get to your house?"

She replied, "DUH! In your big red truck?!?"


Some states are now requiring that the switch for highbeam headlights be installed as a button on the floor of the car as they used to be. The problem that occasioned this legislation was the large number of accidents being caused by blondes trying to turn on their brights and getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.


A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.

(back to newscast)

He jumps.

Blonde: OK. Here's my $20.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same story on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.


A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for less than 20 bucks?"

(Finally a "smart blonde" joke, huh?) :-)


"The Bible doesn't talk about rights. It talks about responsibility." - John Hutcheson

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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Elevator Laws

A little over a week ago I did a blog post on elevators. While working on it, I found something in my files that I thought I'd post also - a list of what could be "Murphy's Elevator Laws." It was not billed as such, but it certainly could be. Those who have to ride elevators frequently can probably identify with many items on the list. Hope your week ends well and that you have a safe and blessed weekend!

(Murphy's?) Elevator Laws

There are unwritten rules that people who ride elevators seem to follow, whether they know it or not. It's not really something that anyone needs to put into effect by law - it's just the way things seem to be already.

1. When you are waiting for an elevator and there are two sets, the one that is the greatest distance from you will open first.

2. While you are riding the elevator, it is not permissible to look anyone in the eyes. The proper place to stare is at the floor or at the numbers.

3. The person at the very back of the elevator will always be the one who needs off first.

4. If you are on the top floor of a 32 story building and need to go the 1st floor, the elevator will stop 31 times before you can step out on the ground floor.

5. If you get off on the wrong floor and realize it the instant your foot hits the ground outside the elevator, it's much too embarrassing to admit you are wrong, so you stay outside the door and act like you know what you're doing then catch the next one and hope all the people you were with are no longer in the elevator.

6. When there are six elevator doors, the one you stand in front of will be the last to open.

7. When the elevator is the most full, one of two people will be on the elevator with you: an extremely sick person who coughs constantly and then gets off on the same floor you do, or a lady with a baby that screams through the entire ride.

8. Don't pass gas in an elevator, even if you are all alone, because when you do, the very next stop will have ten people waiting to get on. It's always best to wait until the elevator is full then no one knows whom to blame.

9. If you speak to a stranger in an elevator there will always be nervous laughter.

10. The friendliest person on the elevator that insists on talking to you will always have bad breath and body odor.

11. Elevators force you to be close to people that you would never choose to be around otherwise. If you want a cultural experience, spend a day riding elevators.

12. The first person to get on the elevator gets the command position next to the buttons so that they can feel important when people ask them to punch their floor for them.

13. While waiting for an elevator, there will always be one person to comment on how slow the elevator is and then push the up or down button over and over as if that will make it speed up.

14. Once inside the elevator that same person will repeatedly punch the button for their floor thinking that this also will speed up the elevator.

15. On of the top most annoying elevator pet peeves is parents who will allow their child to push the buttons and then smile at you after the kid has pushed all 26 buttons while you are on the first floor needing to get to the 25th floor. Then at every floor the kid will yell "Is this where we get off?"

16. The floor that is labeled the 1st floor is not really the 1st floor, but is in reality the basement. The 1st floor is actually labeled the 2nd floor.

17. If you are not in any hurry, there will always be an empty elevator, waiting with the doors open just for you by yourself.

18. In buildings where smoking is allowed, there will always be one person who insists on taking the last drag off the cigarette, putting it out, then waiting to exhale until the elevator door closes with you trapped inside.

19. If a child rides the elevator, they will have a balloon that just happens to be at your face level and there is no place to turn. Popping the balloon is a strong temptation.

20. You would still rather ride the elevator with people than take the stairs alone!


"God's control is so great that even the worst that wicked men can do will only serve to further His cause." - Dr. Drew Conley

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

10 Little Christians

Our pastor is currently doing a series called "Church Life by the Book." Last evening and next Sunday evening he's speaking on "Our Mission" - which is about our mission in reaching people. When I ran across the following poem in my files, I knew I should post it.

10 Little Christians
- author unknown

10 little Christians standing in line,
1 disliked the preacher, then there were 9

9 little Christians stayed up very late,
1 overslept on Sunday, then there were 8

8 little Christians on their way to heaven,
1 took the low road and then there were 7

7 little Christians chirping like chicks,
1 disliked the music, then there were 6

6 little Christians seemed very much alive,
but one lost his interest then there were 5

5 little Christians heading for heaven's shore,
but one stopped to rest, then there were 4

4 little Christians each busy as a bee,
1 got his feelings hurt, then there were 3

3 little Christians knew not what to do,
1 joined the wild crowd, then there were 2

2 little Christians, our rhyme is nearly done,
differed with each other, then there was 1

1 little Christian can't do much, 'tis true,
brought his friend to Bible study - then there were 2

2 earnest Christians, each one reached one more,
That doubled the number, then there were 4

4 sincere Christians worked early and late,
Each won another, then there were 8

8 splendid Christians if they doubled as before,
In just so many Sundays, there'd be 1,024

In this little jingle, there is a lesson true,
you belong to either the building or the wrecking crew!


My wife and I enjoyed visiting with our daughter Megan and little grandson Drew early this evening by webcam over Skype. What a blessing! Meg and Jim took him for pictures today at the photographer. I'm posting several shots below.


"The biggest obstacle to our doing God's will is our own willingness." - Alan Carper

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Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.