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Your House


I've been hearing the "doom-and-gloomers" (a.k.a. the "drive-by media") going on a lot lately about the housing situation here in the USA. (I suspect it's in an effort to remind us how desperately we need Hillary). Anyway, it made my mind go to an e-mail I received a while back about how various people view your house.

your house as seen by...

yourself...

as seen by a potential buyer...

as seen by the lending institution...

as seen by the buyer's appraiser...

as seen by a general contractor...

as seen by the local Historical Preservation Society...

as seen by a nosy neighbor...

as seen by the tax assessor...

quotation...

"The certainty of future events should drive us to testify." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

More Blonde Jokes


Today's iv is the next installment of blonde jokes.

Standard DISCLAIMER: Not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde! In fact, not all blondes are blonde....

New inventions by blondes--
- Waterproof towels
- Glow in the dark sunglasses
- Solar powered flashlights
- Submarine screen doors
- A book on how to read
- Inflatable dart boards
- A dictionary index
- Sharpeners for mechanical pencils
- Powdered water
- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
- Waterproof tea bags
- Watermelon seed sorter
- Skinless bananas
- Do-it-yourself road map
- Turnip ice cream
- Rolls Royce pickup truck

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There was a blonde driving an old (or shall we say, real) VW and encountered engine problems and had to pull over to the side of the road. She got out, went to the front, and opened the hood. A friend of hers, also a blonde, was passing by and saw her standing over the front of her VW with a puzzled look on her face. So, the friend pulled over, walked up, and said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," said our blonde friend, "My VW quit running, and when I pulled over and opened the hood, I discovered that someone had stolen my engine!"

"Well, isn't this your lucky day!" replied her friend. "I just happen to have a spare in my trunk!"

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A restaurant in California installed a magic mirror in the women's restroom. If a woman said something into the mirror and it was the truth, she'd receive one free wish. If it was a lie, she'd be sucked up into the mirror forever.

The first woman to try out the mirror was a redhead. She looked deep into the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." POOF!!! She was sucked up into the mirror.

Then a brunette came in to try out the mirror. After admiring her image for a while, she said, "I think I'm the smartest woman in the world." POOF!!! She was sucked up into the mirror.

Then a blonde came in and after staring into the mirror for what seemed like hours, she said, "I think..." POOF!!!

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A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in first class, and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.

The blonde says, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class."

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta.

The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class."

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening. The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class.

The captain whispers in her ear, and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin.

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast. He replied, "I told her that first class is not going all the way to Atlanta."

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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?!?"

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A blonde went into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replied, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry for her, said, "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agreed and allowed the blonde to work as usual. A few hours pass and the boss decided to check on the blonde. He looked out over his office and saw the blonde crying hysterically. "What's the matter? Are you gonna be okay?" he asked."

No!" exclaimed the blonde. "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I received a horrible call from my sister. She said her mom died too!"

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There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a redheaded woman, and she swims off the island.

The next blonde asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a brunette. The brunette builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

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Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

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A blonde goes into a beauty parlor. Once the blonde is seated in the beautician's chair, the beautician notices that the blonde is wearing headphones. The beautician starts to remove them so that she can work on the blonde's hair. The blonde reacts almost violently, saying that she can *never* remove the headphones, or she will *die*!

The beautician thinks "Ooookaaay," but she keeps her cool and does what she can, working around the headphones. While the blonde is sitting under the hairdryer, she falls asleep. The beautician thinks, "I just wonder...," and decides to see what would happen if she removed the headphones. She tiptoes over, gently removes the headphones from the sleeping blonde, and is horrified to see the blonde gasp for air and keel over - DEAD!!!

After calling 911 (not being a blonde herself, the beautician is able to do this), overcome with curiosity while awaiting their arrival, the beautician goes back to the blonde to hear what she was listening to on the headphones.

Placing them on her own head, she is amazed to hear, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

quotation...

"It's such a radical world view to want to serve rather than to seek to be served.... It's counter-cultural." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

Signs of the Times


Today I'm posting a couple of short jokes about signs of the times...

During a terrible snowstorm one winter, many of the highway signs were totally covered with snow. The following spring, the states decide to raise all the signs twelve inches.

At a cost of six million dollars, each sign was equipped with a new pole, one foot longer than the old pole.

"That's an outrageous price," said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state government handled it, instead of the federal government."

"Why's that?" his neighbor asked.

"Because," the farmer answered, "knowin' the federal government, they'd have decided to lower all the highways."

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The pastors of two local churches were standing by the side of the road, trying to be of service to their community by pounding a sign into the ground. It read as follows:

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Would you religious nuts please just leave us alone?!"

Then from the curve up ahead, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The one pastor turned to the other pastor and asked, "Do you think maybe the sign should just say, 'Bridge Out'?"

quotation...

"Has anyone else noticed the nonexistence of a charitable organization known as 'Lawyers Without Borders'?" - Ann Coulter

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan

Sign Language


This week our team captain for the Wellness Program sent us a cartoon that one of our teammates sent him. The comic strip is called "Close to home," but in my way of thinking, it's a little too close to home!

I have received or run across a lot of funny signs lately and thought this might be a good time for a blog post that was mainly pictures.

Here's another cartoon ... this one being related to the topic of today's blog post...

Some signs give us warnings...

Some signs are meant to give good directions, but somehow fail to do so...

Some signs are hard to understand or to read...

And some signs just make you smile...

(We remember the following one from here in Greenville...)

I especially like the good reminder that the following sign gives...

quotation...

"Am I living as I shall wish I had lived when I come to die?" - C. H. Spurgeon

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

How many people thought of the Post-it note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

Blonde One- and Two-Liners


Here's the second installment of blonde humor. Today's "iv" is a list of Q & A about blondes and some blond one-liners...

Standard DISCLAIMER: Not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde!

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair another color?
A: Artificial intelligence

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate

Q: What do you call a blonde with a yellow balloon?
A: Twins

Q: Why do blondes like to wear a pony tail?
A: To hide the air valve stem.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell that a fax you've received is from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little packet

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: Look! They spelled MACYS wrong!

Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oooo! Look! Donut seeds!

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear

Q: Why did the blonde not like her new AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side

Q: What do you call a long line of blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?
A: A wind tunnel

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There's Wite-out on the screen.

Q: How do you know that a blonde has been working too long at the computer?
A: There's handwriting over the Wite-Out.

Q: Why does a blonde put TGIF on her shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing ?
A: She was run over by the Zamboni machine.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side ?
A: An interpreter

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes ?
A: A mental block

Q: What's the Blonde's Cheer?
A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-N- ... uh ....

Q: Why does a blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't do it - they keep breaking the bulbs with hammers.

Q: What happened to the blonde coyote?
A: It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.

Q: What goes VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: Her blinker was on.

Q: What do you call the skeleton of a blonde found in a closet?
A: The winner of hide-and-seek

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow-dried her hair and she didn't want it to get messed up too much.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like crazy ... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been confirmed sightings of UFO's.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Like, I dunno!

Q: What did the blonde say as the sod truck passed her?
A: When I'm rich, I'm gonna have my lawn sent out to be mowed too.

Q: How do a blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Lather, rinse, repeat."

Q: What did the blonde do when she wanted a personalized license plate?
A: She changed her name to "ZRF 542".

Q: How do blondes count?
A: 1, 2, 3, another, another, another....

Q: What do you see when you look deep into a blonde's eyes ?
A: The back of her head

Q: What do you call a blonde standing in the middle of the empty room?
A: Central air

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Five - one to make the dough and four to peel the M&M's

Q: Why did the blonde get run over by a compact car?
A: She thought it was a big car far away.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change

Q: What happens when two blondes are walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Quick! Look at that dog with one eye!"?
A:The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart?
A: A grocery cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What happens when a redhead exclaims to a blonde, "Oh, how sad - a dead bird!"
A: The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

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Lest we automatically assume upon hearing a blonde joke that the blond is a female....

HE was so blond that...
- he got stabbed in a shoot-out
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- he tried to put his M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sat on the TV and watched the couch
- he tried to drown a fish
- when he got locked in a grocery store, he starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics"
- he tripped over a cordless phone
- he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept
- he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if he spoke his mind, he'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test
- and failed
- he thought Meow Mix was a recording for cats
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead

quotation...

"Grace takes care of the if only's of life." - Dr. Thurmond Wisdom

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Some people wouldn't know an act of kindness if it hit them in the face!