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The Squeeze


today's instant vacation...

The owners of a restaurant were so sure that their cook was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 challenge. The cook would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried (weight-lifters, longshoreman, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the cafe, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try for that $1000."

After the laughter had died down, the cook said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his first around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the cook paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little man replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

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I received the following a while back from several people by email. I have checked snopes.com and it wasn't listed there, so I'm assuming that it is accurate.

A list of taxes currently in existence...

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (so many cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of those taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and moms stayed home to raise the kids.

So, have taxes improved our lives? Do we really need more taxes?!

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beauty salon name project...

I've received some funny names of beauty salons people have seen. If you know a funny name you'd like included on the list, please send it right away. I plan to post the list next week.

quotation...

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - C. S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If a Osama and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

A Bunny, a Peep, a Mule, and a Pit Bull


The Easter services at church yesterday were such a blessing! Our attention was powerfully drawn to the empty tomb and our risen Lord through the wonderful music and the clear Scriptural message.

We had lunch with Nora and Aron and dinner with Mark and Katie. For dessert we enjoyed one of our Easter traditions - a bunny cake. I'm going to put a picture below of the cake Becka made, decorated with coconut, red licorice, and chocolate chips.

picture of our bunny cake

When Mark and Katie went to visit Jim, Megan, and Drew, the rest of us sent some things along. One of the items sent was a stuffed Peep - a cute toy version of those nasty marshmallow Easter candies. (My feeble apologies to those of you who actually *like* them.) Here's a picture of one exactly like the one Nora sent...

picture of the size of a peep

Megan sent us a picture of Drew with the Peep Nora sent him...

picture of Drew and his peep

This gives you an idea of how tiny he still is!

Here's another picture of him sleeping. Grandma and I miss him horribly!

picture of our beautiful dreamer

In honor of our thirtieth anniversary today, I'm posting two stories about two couples who, unfortunately, were not as blissfully wed as we.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow often. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.

"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

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A woman was leaving a coffee shop with her morning coffee when she noticed most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 meters behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.

The woman couldn't contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I'm sorry for your loss and I know it is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well the first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Then who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her also."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Could I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line," the woman replied.

quotation...

"Eyewitnesses of the living Lord preached the gospel." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

My dog can lick anyone.

Shakespearean Insult Kit


I wanted to post a really nice Easter story I'd received by email some time back, but when I did a web search, I found that I could use it only with special permission. I wrote the author for permission, but it has not yet come. If you'd like to read the story, you can do so at http://www.cresourcei.org/jegg.html where it is posted with the author's permission. My link to this site is not an endorsement of everything else on the site.

I ran across something in my files the other day that I thought some of you might enjoy - a Shakespearean Insult Kit. Use it if you need fresh ideas for when boorish rubes intrude upon your serenity?

Ye Olde Official Shakespearean Insult Kit
(I've seen this attributed several times to Jerry Maguire, English teacher at Center Grove High School in Greenwood, Indiana.)

With this handy-dandy Shakespearean Insult Kit, you can have the spleen of The Bard at your disposal, with all his lexicographical command of vituperation.

To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with "Thou." To enjoy this fully, you really should try to say the Shakespearean insults out loud.

SAMPLES:
Thou unmuzzled beetle-headed ratsbane!
Thou surly tickle-brained measle!
Thou reeky hasty-witted bugbear!


Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
artless

bawdy

beslubbering

bootless

churlish

clouted

craven

currish

dankish

paunchy

pribbling

puking

puny

qualling

rank

reeky

spongy

surly

tottering

unmuzzled

vain

venomed

villainous

wayward

weedy

yeasty

base-court

bat-fowling

beef-witted

beetle-headed

boil-brained

clapper-clawed

clay-brained

crook-pated

dismal-dreaming

ill-breeding

ill-nurtured

knotty-pated

milk-livered

motley-minded

onion-eyed

plume-plucked

rude-growing

shard-borne

sheep-biting

spur-galled

swag-bellied

tardy-gaited

tickle-brained

toad-spotted

unchin-snouted

weather-bitten

apple-john

baggage

barnacle

bladder

boar-pig

bugbear

bum-bailey

canker-blossom

clack-dish

clotpole

lout

maggot-pie

malt-worm

mammet

measle

minnow

miscreant

pignut

pumpion

ratsbane

skainsmate

strumpet

varlet

vassal

whey-face

wagtail

All's well here. *Lots* going on at this time! I've been in a "grading vortex" this week with many compositions and tests to grade. (Who makes these assignment sheets anyway?!) Yesterday we attended this year's Living Gallery with several neighbors who really enjoyed it. Tomorrow morning is our monthly Men for Missions breakfast at church. After that we have choir practice till noon for Sunday. Sunday we're having two identical services for Easter at our church, with lots of special music. Monday Becka and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary.

Our grandson is 4 weeks old today and is doing fine. Megan is feeling much better and would be feeling even better if she got a full night's sleep! :) The other day I posted several new pictures of him (see the blog entry under this one). When I posted those, Becka wanted me to put out several pictures of our flowers out front. The pictures don't do them justice. They're really beautiful.

quotation...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." - unknown

=^..^= =^..^=

Wishing you a Blessed Easter! He is risen indeed!

Rob

Copywight 2007 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Drew, Pudge, and irises


We received a few new pictures of Drew last evening. Since some of you have been clamoring for more recent pictures, here are several...

Earlier I posted a picture of a trial run on the carseat when Drew was still in the NICU. Below is a picture of him when he was in the carseat to go home...

picture of Drew in his carseat

Drew meets the family terrier, Pudge...

picture of Drew meeting Pudge

Here's a picture of Drew in one of his preemie outfits, eyes wide open...

picture of Drew with eyes wide open

Last fall we redid the beds by our front porch, pulling up 10 big, ugly Boxwood globes and putting in more colorful and varied bushes and plants. Here's a shot of some of the plants "waking up" this spring...

picture of the bed on one side of our front porch

Here's a close up of several of the Sapphire Beauty Dutch irises in the picture above...

picture of sapphire beauty irises

Back at you soon...

Rob

March Madness or April Fools?


My recent post on oxymorons included "sports scholarship." If anyone doubts that that expression is oxymoronic, today's iv should help remove all doubt. Granted, it's well known that they are not recruited for their intellectual or elocutionary prowess. The following quotations are from players, coaches, sportscasters, and fans.

Quotations from the "salary is inversely proportional to IQ" crowd...

DISCLAIMER: I have tried to determine whether these quotations are authentic and/or accurate, but alas, I've not been able to. If there are any mistakes, please let me know and I'll correct them.

Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward: "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark: "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets: "Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy Birthday!"

Baseball player Mike Greenwell: "I'm a four-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."

Ian Rush, on the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."

Mike Ditka: "A big factor in the game was the number of points scored."

Nick Zito: "A lot of horses get distracted. It's just human nature."

The following quote was made by a Montreal Expos ball player, who was not named by the reporter (the player might have been Larry Walker) in reference to another player's mental faculties: "He ain't no rocket surgeon."

Magic Johnson: "I only know how to play two ways and that's reckless and abandon."

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

reporter: "Did you visit the Parthenon when you went to Greece?"
Shaquille O'Neal: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."

Baseball player Pete Incaviglia: "People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000."

reporter: "Would you quit baseball if the Yankees lose the series to the Pirates?"
Casey Stengel: "Well, I have given that thought a lot of thinking lately and last night, well - I finally made up my mind."
reporter: Which way?
Casey Stengel: "I made up my mind both ways."

Frank Bruno: "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost."

Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket: "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Bobby Robson, after playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

David Thompson: "Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Steve Spurrier, telling fans that a fire at the football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ: "It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."

Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs: "We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.

Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series: "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin: "Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."

Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden: "His reputation preceded him before he got here."

Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air: "Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air."

Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns: "I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."

Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager: "A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."

Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players: "All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion."

Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."

Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only - Super Bowl."

Phil Watson to reporters: "Gentlemen, I have nothing to say. Any questions?"

'Whispering' Ted Lowe: "And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue."

Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size: "I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."

Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son: "The similarities between me and my father are different."

Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."

Curt Gowdy: "The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they have their future ahead of them."

Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."

Ron Pickering: "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running."

John Snagge, commentator for a boat race between Oxford and Cambridge: "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Marlon Starling: "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."

George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach: "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"

Murray Walker: "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said: "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff you haven't been through in school."

Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Amarillo High School and Oiler Coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."

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"group iv" project...

Recently when my wife and I were driving in rural North Carolina, she spotted a beauty parlor with a great name - Grand Illusion Styling Salon. We laughed and laughed over that one. We tried to think of other beauty salons we'd seen with funny or bizarre names. We remembered one called in Michigan near Camp CoBeAc called Curl Up and Dye. My wife suggested that it might be fun to ask the people who read the blog to tell the humorous or strange names of beauty parlors that they know of. So either leave a comment at the end of this blog entry or email me (see the email link in the sidebar on the right side of the blog.) I'll give them a while to accumulate and then post the list you the readers come up with.

Mark and Katie arrived in a safe and timely manner at Jim and Megan's. They're enjoying their time up there, especially getting to meet Drew in person. Katie's older sister and her husband had their first child in January, and he's also named Andrew, with Drew as his nickname too.

(non-athletic) quotation...

"No one is an atheist for intellectual reasons, but for moral reasons." - Ravi Zacharias

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

As Yogi Berra once said, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

I'll end this post with the Mallard Fillmore from Saturday, March 31. The cartoon below can serve as a bridge from this blog entry to the one right below it. 8-)

picture of Mallard Fillmore comic strip from 31 March 31 2007