My recent post on oxymorons included "sports scholarship." If anyone doubts that that expression is oxymoronic, today's iv should help remove all doubt. Granted, it's well known that they are not recruited for their intellectual or elocutionary prowess. The following quotations are from players, coaches, sportscasters, and fans.
Quotations from the "salary is inversely proportional to IQ" crowd...
DISCLAIMER: I have tried to determine whether these quotations are authentic and/or accurate, but alas, I've not been able to. If there are any mistakes, please let me know and I'll correct them.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward: "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark: "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Ralph Kiner, announcer for the New York Mets: "Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there: Happy Birthday!"
Baseball player Mike Greenwell: "I'm a four-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
Ian Rush, on the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
Mike Ditka: "A big factor in the game was the number of points scored."
Nick Zito: "A lot of horses get distracted. It's just human nature."
The following quote was made by a Montreal Expos ball player, who was not named by the reporter (the player might have been Larry Walker) in reference to another player's mental faculties: "He ain't no rocket surgeon."
Magic Johnson: "I only know how to play two ways and that's reckless and abandon."
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
reporter: "Did you visit the Parthenon when you went to Greece?"
Shaquille O'Neal: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."
Baseball player Pete Incaviglia: "People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000."
reporter: "Would you quit baseball if the Yankees lose the series to the Pirates?"
Casey Stengel: "Well, I have given that thought a lot of thinking lately and last night, well - I finally made up my mind."
reporter: Which way?
Casey Stengel: "I made up my mind both ways."
Frank Bruno: "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost."
Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket: "Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Bobby Robson, after playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
David Thompson: "Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Steve Spurrier, telling fans that a fire at the football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Johnny Walker, world middleweight wrist-wrestling champion, on what it takes to be a champ: "It's about 90% strength and 40% technique."
Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl during the National Hockey League's Stanley Cup playoffs: "We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series: "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Mickey Rivers, Texas Rangers outfielder, on his warm relationship with Yankee owner Steinbrenner and manager Billy Martin: "Me and George and Billy are two of a kind."
Don Mattingly, New York Yankee, on Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden: "His reputation preceded him before he got here."
Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on air: "Folks, this is perfect weather for today's game. Not a breath of air."
Dennis Rappaport, boxing manager, explaining his silence regarding boxer Thomas Hearns: "I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate."
Casey Stengel, baseball great, Yankees and Mets manager: "A lot of people my age are dead at the present time."
Ron Davis, Minnesota Twins pitcher, commenting on press reports quoting him as criticizing team managers for trading top players: "All I said was that the trades were stupid and dumb, and they took that and blew it all out of proportion."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only - Super Bowl."
Phil Watson to reporters: "Gentlemen, I have nothing to say. Any questions?"
'Whispering' Ted Lowe: "And for those of you watching on black-and-white, the pink ball is the one behind the blue."
Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size: "I don't know. I'm not in shape yet."
Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son: "The similarities between me and my father are different."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Curt Gowdy: "The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team. It seems as if they have their future ahead of them."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Ron Pickering: "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running."
John Snagge, commentator for a boat race between Oxford and Cambridge: "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Marlon Starling: "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach: "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
Murray Walker: "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said: "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff you haven't been through in school."
Terry Venables: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Amarillo High School and Oiler Coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
"group iv" project...
Recently when my wife and I were driving in rural North Carolina, she spotted a beauty parlor with a great name - Grand Illusion Styling Salon. We laughed and laughed over that one. We tried to think of other beauty salons we'd seen with funny or bizarre names. We remembered one called in Michigan near Camp CoBeAc called Curl Up and Dye. My wife suggested that it might be fun to ask the people who read the blog to tell the humorous or strange names of beauty parlors that they know of. So either leave a comment at the end of this blog entry or email me (see the email link in the sidebar on the right side of the blog.) I'll give them a while to accumulate and then post the list you the readers come up with.
Mark and Katie arrived in a safe and timely manner at Jim and Megan's. They're enjoying their time up there, especially getting to meet Drew in person. Katie's older sister and her husband had their first child in January, and he's also named Andrew, with Drew as his nickname too.
"No one is an atheist for intellectual reasons, but for moral reasons." - Ravi Zacharias
As Yogi Berra once said, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"
I'll end this post with the Mallard Fillmore from Saturday, March 31. The cartoon below can serve as a bridge from this blog entry to the one right below it.