ivman’s blague

I love funny signs! It’s kind of like with the thoughtless headlines in my most recent blog post - you have to wonder if the sign maker was really that obtuse or if there was method in the madness.

Here are a dozen signs I’ve run across since the last set I posted. They need no commentary, but several do cry out for an explanation (which I can’t give)….

This morning we received a couple of “signs of the times” — signs that Christmas is getting near. Our daughter Megan’s friend Kristen did a photo shoot to get some pictures for Meg and Jim’s Christmas card. Here are two of the pictures of our grandson Drew:

I’m still working on that blog post on how to start your own blog. My research and writing for that one have taken me longer than I thought. If you are a blogger and have some insights to add, please send them right away - things you wish you had known when you first started blogging. If you don’t know my e-mail address, use the contact link at the top of the blog.

I’m looking forward to your reactions to any of the signs posted today. If you run across any great signs, send them my way for a future post. If you like funny signs, you can see what I’ve already posted by clicking on “signs” in the tag cloud in the sidebar or by checking out the funny signs on my original site at http://ivman.com/fp-signlist.html

quotation…

“Worship is not fully realized until it is expressed.” - Dr. Chris Barney

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Rob

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Have you ever laughed out loud reading the headlines in the newspaper? It certainly beats the weeping that some headlines cause! Our local writers have a special knack at coming up with punny headlines and even the occasional head-scratchers that leave you wondering if the wording was intentional.

I have collected some headlines in my files that I’m sharing today, followed by some scanned pictures of some bad headlines or opening sentences.

(Disclaimer: the humor of some of these is in how inappropriate their wording makes them sound.)

March Planned For Next August

Lucky Man Sees Pals Die in Crash

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death’s Door — Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled — No Interest Among Students, et al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails — Fans Protest

Women’s Movement Called More Broad-Based

Researchers call murder a threat to public health

Police use tear gas, SWAT team, battering ram, stun gun to oust woman 65

8 Bagels for $1.49 — Limit 3

Death in the ring: Most boxers are not the same afterwards

Ski areas closed due to snow

Chester Morrill, 92, Was Fed Secretary

Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors With Lights

Legalized Outhouses Aired by Legislature

Difference between day and night found on tour of Torrington schools

All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad

Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award

Fried chicken cooked in microwave wins trip

Tester links pygmy defect to shortness

Fire officials grilled over kerosene heaters

Lower Age for Elderly Opposed

Sewer input sought

Man shot to death in Cavalier Manor

Reader is upset over dog eating Filipinos

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Sheriff

Mirror robber given 10 months to reflect

Lack of brains hinders research

‘Light’ meals are lower in fat, calories

Alcohol ads promote drinking

Malls try to attract shoppers

Official: Only rain will cure drought

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty

Man shoots neighbor with machete

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones

Bible Church’s focus is the Bible

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Killer Sentenced To Die for Second Time in 10 Years

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Is not Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Cold Temperatures

Local Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snack

Clock Thief Faces Time

Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Line

Deer Kill 17,000

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed the Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Windows Blocked by Board

4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

I’ve put a new poll in the sidebar of the blog. It will be up for one week only.

quotation…

“If Scripture doesn’t take me to a Christ-centered life, I’ve missed the point of Scripture.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

Ever wonder why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

I’ll start this blog post off with a Thanksgiving weather forecast.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190° F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34° F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Many Americans prefer the traditional turkey dinner on Thanksgiving. It’s gotten a bit harder with the passage of time, though, since turkeys have started to figure out ways to elude gracing the table at the family gathering. Here are several ways they’ve done so:

For the turkeys who haven’t managed to escape the Thanksgiving feasting, I’m sharing the recipe my wife Becka uses for our Thanksgiving turkey. Very simple, and absolutely delicious!

Herbed Turkey Breast (from The Ultimate Southern Living Cookbook)

(If you use this recipe for a whole turkey, you’ll need more of each ingredient, and you’ll need to lengthen the baking time - details given below for each)

¼ cup olive oil
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon fresh or dried rosemary
6 fresh large sage leaves
1 (5- to 5½-pound bone-in turkey breast)
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper

Combine the olive oil and garlic. Loosen the skin from the turkey without totally detaching skin; brush about one-third of olive oil mixture under the skin. Space evenly the rosemary and sage leaves under the skin. Replace skin. Sprinkle with salt and pepper; place in a lightly greased baking dish. Cover loosely with aluminum foil.

For turkey breast, bake at 325° F for one hour. Uncover and bake one hour more or until a meat thermometer registers 170° F, basting the skin with the remaining oil mixture every 15 minutes.

For a whole turkey, bake at 325° F for 3 to 3½ hours or until a meat thermometer inserted in meaty part of thigh registers 180° F.

I keep telling Becka that she needs to start her own blog - kind of a “Hints from Heloise” type of blog, but so far she has resisted. If you’d like to storm the castle to try to convince her to have her own blog, please say so in the comments.

Speaking of people’s starting their own blogs, I’m going to talk a bit of turkey here. Knowing some of you as I do or at least seeing the caliber of your comments to my blog, some of you really need to make a New Year’s resolution to start blogging yourself. I plan to do a post next week with advice on how to start your own blog. Those of you who are currently bloggers, please send me your suggestions through my contact form - things to be sure to do, things to avoid, etc. as I prepare that post. I can credit you for your advice, complete with a link to your blog, or you can remain anonymous.

I’ll end this post with a link to a fun (read: humiliating) quiz on turkey knowledge. I got only 8 right out of 20 on this one! I’m sure some of you can beat that score! Take the quiz yourself by clicking here. Becka (a.k.a. Heloise) got 15 right out of 20!

What’s on the menu at your house this Thanksgiving? We’re having turkey breast, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn pudding, luscious cranberry jello, a green veggie (yet to be determined), and pecan pie.

I’m taking a Thanksgiving break from posting, so I won’t be back at you until next Monday evening. Have a blessed Thanksgiving! Try to come up with more to thank God for than just the stuff He’s blessed you with. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving Praise service on campus today with the total focus on Christ. Absolutely awesome!

quotation…

“Do what you do to display who Christ is.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

You know you’ve had too much to eat on Thanksgiving if they have to call in the paramedics with the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.

Aren’t pundits interesting people? Well, they don’t always interest this person! I have heard some really whacky analysis from some pundits in my lifetime. First off, what is a pundit? According to dictionary.com… Pundit: 1. a learned person, expert, or authority. 2. a person who makes comments or judgments, esp. in an authoritative manner; critic or commentator. (I can’t tell from the two definitions if they are they are mutually exclusive or complementary - is a pundit an expert, or does he only make comments?) The word pundit comes from a Hindi (Sanskrit) word pandita: a man esteemed for his wisdom or learning; a title of respect.

I like the word pundit itself because it contains the word pun. Again I appeal to dictionary.com… Pun: 1. the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words. 2. the word or phrase used in this way.

As much as I like puns, though, I don’t always like what pundits say. They can draw some of the wildest conclusions from a set of facts or events, suggesting a different meaning, much like a punster does, only it doesn’t always bring laughter. Their conclusions sometimes leave me scratching my head or talking back to the radio or TV. (Just ask my wife….)

Here in the upstate of South Carolina we’ve broken some records this week for cold temperatures and are experiencing a bit of “Indian Winter” - a term I use based on the term “Indian Summer” to describe having a bit of winter in the middle of the fall, rather than a bit of summer in the middle of the fall. This has to drive the global warming crowd as crazy as having to postpone a global warming conference because of snow this past spring - read the story here.

I ran across a map recently from NOAA, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, a federal agency. It shows temperature trends from January through October of this year in the continental USA. Below is that map:

As I looked at it, I thought of the map I’d seen of the county by county election results in the 2008 presidential election. Below is that map:

Would I be going out on a limb as an amateur pundit to say that it appears that Obama voters may be causing global warming? I appeal to the collective wisdom of my readers to make their own comments about either or both of the maps. What conclusions do some of you pundits draw from what you see? Feel free to be as whacked out as professional pundits would be. Have you heard some punditry lately that you think is whacked out?

quotation…

“Claiming to be wise, they became fools.” Romans 1:22

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Rob

OK, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?

I love children and the wonderful things they say! At the end of this past week, our grandson Drew has come up with his special name for his grandpa - Papi (pronounced like the flower - poppy). His two grandmothers remain nameless, but I suspect that their special names will be revealed shortly.

Today’s instant vacation starts off with some four year olds’ ideas for Thanksgiving dinner. Some of you struggling with what to have for Thanksgiving next week may want to consider some of their ideas. That list is followed by some junior highers’ ideas concerning the Seven Wonders of the World.

Kids’ Thanksgiving menus

This comes from the teacher of a 4 year old kindergarten class. Their assignment was to tell about their family’s Thanksgiving meal.

Ashley - We eat pizza. Put it in a really hot oven. My mommy knows when it’s done. It has white cheese and pepperoni on it.

Jessica - For Thanksgiving we eat chicken. Put it in a pan and cook it. Check on it and when it’s all black it’s done. For dessert have chocolate chip cookies.

Emily - Put the chicken bones in and get them hotter. Serve it with cranberries, and carrots. For dessert have chocolate candy.

Christina - We eat corn and cereal. Put sugar on the cereal and eat it. Have cookies for a treat.

Mario - We eat popcorn. Put it in a microwave for 2 times. Put butter and salt on it.

Stanley - We eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Put jelly on the bread. Then put the peanut butter on. Have milk with it.

Shedric - We eat turkey. Put the turkey in the oven. Put bones inside of it. Have pie for dessert.

Brett - We eat cereal. Put it in a bowl. Add milk. Use a spoon. It tastes good.

Sara - Cut up the turkey with a knife. Have mashed potatoes. Eat pumpkin cake for dessert.

Briana - Put the turkey in the oven. It has to stay in the oven until night time. Stuff it with stuffing. Serve it with peas and mashed potatoes. For dessert have nothing.

Larry - We eat raisin cereal. Put it in a bowl. Put milk in it. Serve it with chips.

Amanda T. - We eat turkey. Put it in the oven for a really long time. Stukk it with ham. It’s black when it’s done. Eat it with white potatoes and corn. For dessert have chocolate pudding.

Joseph - We eat pork chops. Put ketchup on them. Put them in the oven at a whole bunch of degrees. Serve it with french fries.

Courtney - We eat macaroni. Put the macaroni in a bowl and cook it up. Serve cheese with it. Have salad with ketchup on top.

Cara - Cook the turkey on the stove. Stuff the turkey with chicken. Cook it for 16 minutes. Have yogurt for dessert.

Cassondra - We have chicken. Clean the chicken. Put butter on it with a knife. Then it’s ready to eat. Have butter potatoes. For dessert have strawberry yogurt.

Amber - We eat peanut butter. Put the peanut butter on bread. Put the jelly on the peanut butter.

Pangtala - We eat bananas and milk.

Nicholas - First you cut the turkey witha knife. Then you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes at 4 degrees. The alarm goes off when it’s done. Eat it with a fork.

Kelly - Put seeds on the turkey and put it in the oven. Put it on the table with spaghetti-O’s, toast, and pork chops.

Anthony - Put the turkey in the oven. It has to be very hot. When it beeps, it has to come out. Serve it with carrots. For dessert have chocolate and vanilla ice cream.

Thomas - We eat pizza. Pat it and spread it. Put mushrooms on it. Cook it in the oven for 3 months. Eat it with corn.

Devin - We eat macaroni. We eat mashed potatoes. You make it in the kettle. Cook it 2 minutes, and you sit down. Then you go in your room. We drink water.

Gabriel - We eat pancakes. They are hard. My mommy makes them.

A junior high Geography class was studying the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they thought could be considered the current Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:

1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids
2. India’s Taj Mahal
3. The Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter’s Basilica
7. China’s Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn’t turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she were having trouble with her list. The quiet girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.” The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have and maybe we can help.” The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the Seven Wonders of the World are

1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear

She hesitated again and then added

5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love

The silence in the room was almost deafening. It is so easy for us to look at exploits of man or at spectacular things and refer to them as “wonders” while we overlook some of the seemingly little things God has given us, regarding them as merely “ordinary.”

May we all be reminded today of God’s ordinary blessings that are truly wonders. In connection with the Thanksgiving season, I try to imagine the reaction of a group of women at a bridal shower if the bride opened her gifts without comment, then at the end said, “I sure am thankful for all this!” without thanking any individual gift-giver or commenting on any gift along the way. Don’t you think we’re sometimes like that at Thanksgiving? “We have so much to be thankful for!” we cheerfully exclaim. As we are “thankful” at this time of year, let’s be sure to remember to say thanks to the One from whom all blessings flow, and not just be thankful that we’re blessed, forgetting the Giver.

I’ve put a new poll question in the sidebar about your Thanksgiving traditions.

quotation…

“When God is good to you, it’s not because everything is okay. It’s because He is good.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

Thanksgiving is not just a holiday - it’s an attitude.