Have you noticed that nothing jogs the memory like hitting the Send button on an e-mail? You think, "Too late! I meant to say this, attach that, etc." With things in print, nothing makes a typo or poor wording stick out quite like publication. In my summers as a proofreader at the university press, I saw errors in published materials stand out as if in neon lights, after many of us had read and reread them before publication, completely missing those errors.
Today's "instant vacation" is a list of unfortunate errors in church bulletins. My heart goes out to the poor church secretaries who had these bloopers pointed out to them.
WARNING: Do not read further unless you are free to laugh out loud!
In our church the music pastor works diligently to select music that goes with the Bible text and the subject of our pastor's message. As you'll see below, more churches need to consider doing the same.
The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD
The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY
The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 ... EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE
I noticed in the bulletin of one church I visited that two of the songs listed for the service, one right after the other, were "Stand By Me" and "Nothing Between." It was hard not to chuckle during that service.
Now on to some general bloopers....
A worm welcome to all who have come today.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, along with a brief antidote.
The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the costs of redecorating the sanctuary. Anyone wanting to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
ANOINTING OF THE SICK ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
Usher will eat latecomers.
This evening's service will be a Sinspiration.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Bilingual Chicken Dinner this Sunday at noon.
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
The maintenance of the church graveyard is becoming increasingly costly. It would be a great help if parishioners would do their best to tend their own graves.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
(a most unfortunate blooper during the pastor's ilness:)
GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better!
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."
Missionary from Africa, Bertha Belch, speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center.
If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.
Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peach to men.
The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
Don't forget that elections for Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess will be held at next month's business meeting.
We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
Child care provided with reservations.
Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man.
Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."
Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.
If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.
Please come ... you will be gald you did.
The Honeymooners are now having Bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
We are always happy to have you sue our facility.
I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.
Palm Sunday: Our regular service will be gin at 11:00 a.m.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms Who Care this week."
When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
Some other church bulletin bloopers not in this list are in an earlier blog post called Bloopers. If you have any bulletin bloopers you've seen, please add them to the comments.
"Sin mars, but Christ restores." - Dr. Drew Conley
Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate repetitive and superfluous redundancy again and again!