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Super Grill for Dad

Just a quick post for you last-minute Father's Day shoppers.

A reader sent me a picture of a great gift idea that I just had to share.

picture of super grill

I want one! :-D How 'bout the rest of you dads?

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If your dad's sisters are construction workers, would you call them carpenter aunts?

Signs of Summer

picture of a sunflower

As we approach the first official day of summer, there are many signs here in sunny South Carolina that summer has already come. After several years of severe drought, we have returned to our usual pattern of heat building all day until the daily late afternoon/early evening thunderstorm. We've lived in this house for five years, and our lawn has never been this green at this point in the summer! The meteorologists are predicting that tomorrow we will at least tie the record temp of 98° F.

People have told me that my posts of funny signs are among their favorite. My readers have been great about sending me pictures of signs they've seen or links to great sources of signs. Here are 15 that I hope will bring you a chuckle or two.

Mosquitoes are a bane of my summer existence. I hope I don't see this sign near our house!

picture of funny sign

Does a cool dip sound good? This no swimming sign might keep you from taking one, though.

picture of funny sign

If lobster comes to mind when you see this sign, be sure to read the small print near the price.

picture of funny sign

I'm not sure if this is the place I would seek comfort....

picture of funny sign

I don't think I'd seek comfort here either....

picture of funny sign

Here's a new take on the old "When is a door not a door?" joke.

picture of funny sign

A reader who lives in Scotland sent this picture from a hotel shower there.

picture of funny sign

The person who sent me this one was concerned that both businesses have the same phone number.

picture of funny sign

A reader took this one in her family's favorite Mexican restaurant.

picture of funny sign

Here's another "cat" sign....

picture of funny sign

A reader took this one of a sign in a car on campus this week for a home school conference.

picture of funny sign

Which way do we go?

picture of funny sign

Be sure you qualify to park here.

picture of funny sign

Can you figure out who this special lane is for?

picture of funny sign

Even if you hate stop signs, I'll bet you'd laugh if you came upon this one.

picture of funny sign

Please be on the look out for funny signs and send them my way. Do you have a favorite among these?


"Our sin always drags others into the vortex of its power." - Dr. Drew Conley

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Have you ever been tempted to ask some total strangers you meet in public, "Excuse me, but would I offend you if I didn't show off my bare midriff or my underwear?"

Here Comes the Groom!

Do you enjoy attending weddings? I'm sure that more women than men would answer yes to that question. I have to admit that in my younger years I didn't relish going to weddings, and Becka often went alone or with one or both of our daughters. Back in the last millennium, during my first term as a deacon at our church, Pastor David Yearick challenged us men to consider our responsibility of going to weddings, particularly those of the young people of our own church. He reminded us that in a day when marriage is taken more and more lightly, we needed to show our young men especially that marriage is just as important to men as it is to women by attending their weddings. I knew that what he was saying was right, and I began attending weddings regularly.

Living in a college town and attending a large church, we receive invitations to many weddings. It's not possible to make it to every wedding we're invited to, but we try to go to as many as we can. I actually enjoy them very much now, getting a little misty-eyed at many. And I almost always see someone I haven't seen in years! This past Friday evening we were invited to two weddings at the same time. We decided to go to the wedding of the young lady we'd known since she was a small child and we were really looking forward to it. However Becka was sick last week, so I went alone. Then the next day, Saturday afternoon, I attended another wedding alone, at another church in town, not only because Becka was still not feeling well, but also because she did not know the bride or the groom at all and I had been planning to attend it alone anyway. Don't I get some kind of purple heart for this? :-D

With all these weddings this summer, I've been meaning to post a piece that I had in my online archives before having to rebuild my website. It's a wonderful parody of something you might read in the society pages, but full of a delightful blend of typical minute detail and untypical sketchiness. I cannot find who wrote this originally. If/when I learn who wrote it, I will happily give proper attribution. On to the post....

Here Comes the Groom

Fed up with the way the bride invariably steals the show at her own wedding, the school at which Rob Tombes works carried in its news weekly its own unbiased account of his recent marriage there to Mary Beth Snyder. It reads as follows:

Mr. Robert Tombes, son of Dr. and Mrs. Averett S. Tombes of Fairfax, VA, became the bridegroom of Miss Mary Elizabeth Snyder today at Fairfax Presbyterian Church.

Mr. Tombes was attended by his brother Thomas Hamilton Tombes as best man. As the groom approached the altar he was the cynosure of all eyes. Blushing handsomely, he replied to the questions of the clergyman in low but firm tones. He was charmingly clad in a 3-piece suit consisting of coat, vest, and pants.

picture of a groom

The coat, of some dark material, was draped handsomely about the shoulders and tastefully gathered under the arms. A touching story was current among the guests that the coat was the one worn by his father and grandfather on their wedding days. Mr. Tombes would neither affirm nor deny the truth of this sentimental touch. The vest was sleeveless and met in the front. It was gracefully fashioned with pockets and at the back was held together by a strap and buckle of the same material.

The groom's pants were of some dark material and were suspended from the waist, falling in a straight line almost to the floor. The severe simplicity of the garment was relieved by the right pantelet which was caught up about four inches from the floor by a Boston Brighton worn underneath, revealing just the artistic glimpse of leather, laced with string of the same color. The effect was rather chic.

Beneath the vest the groom wore blue galluses attached to the pants fore and aft and passing in a graceful curve over each shoulder. His neck was encircled with a collar characterized by a delicate sawedge, and around the collar a cravat was loosely knotted so that it rode up under his left ear with a studied effect of carelessness which marks supreme artistry in dress.

The best man's costume was essentially the same as the groom's, and as the two stood at the altar, a hush of awed admiration enveloped the audience.

As Miss Snyder led the groom from the nuptials, it was noted that she wore the conventional white dress and veil and carried orange blossoms.


I chuckle every time I read that parody and hope you enjoyed it too. Most of the young men I've known would much rather have the attention on their bride than on themselves. In fact, some would rather elope and just skip the big, formal wedding. Come to think of it, while some of the young brides love every minute of "their big day," others I've known would have rather opted for a small, private wedding with much less attention on her.

What do you think of going to weddings, guys and gals? Do you find that the focus right in most of the weddings you attend? Have modern weddings gotten out of hand in their lavishness or in other ways?


We got a copy of So High The Price the latest CD from the Steve Pettit team this past weekend, which coincided with a post about it on My Two Cents, a blog I read. It's a great CD if you're interested in checking it out. The first link in this paragraph allows you to listen to demos of many of the songs on the CD.

I've put a new link in my sidebar to a DVD Dispatches from the Front. I hope you'll check it out. It's produced by Frontline Missions International.

I'll be back at you later this week with some more signs. Readers have sent me some great ones.


"It's reasonable to trust God if you know Him." - Dr. Dan Olinger

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Since Americans throw rice at weddings, I wonder if Asians throw hamburgers....


picture of a frog

As promised several weeks ago, here's the final installment of Tom Swifties. A close cousin to the Tom Swifty is the Croaker. Croakers are like Tom Swifties, only different. It is the verb, rather than the adverb, that supplies the pun. The one that probably gave them their name is "My pet frog died," Tom croaked. If you make it all the way to the end, there are even a few without Tom! Anyway, here goes....

"All right then, we'll use a water solution," Tom acquiesced.

"There is room for one more," Tom admitted.

"Here's your allowance for the next two weeks," Tom advanced.

"Waaaa! I'm losing my hair," Tom bawled.

"Wow!" barked Tom, with a bow.

"I am NOT full of hot air," Tom belched.

"The fire's going out!" Tom bellowed.

"The giant sea creature died," Tom blubbered and wailed.

"My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after him," Tom bragged.

"I make myself use this brush," Tom bristled.

"I hate cleaning fish," Tom carped.

"I like Chinese detective films!" Tom chanted.

"I want another plate of steamers!" Tom clamoured.

"Have another cola," Tom coaxed.

"We've overthrown the government," Tom cooed.

"I saw more black birds than you did," Tom crowed.

"So what if the Greek piper god is deceased?" Tom deadpanned.

"Someone has removed all the twos from this deck," Tom deduced.

"Beagles are all dumb," Tom dogmatized.

"I used to be a gold miner!" Tom exclaimed.

"I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.

"I've done well on my diet," Tom expounded.

"I used to work for Manpower," Tom extemporized.

"I hope I can still play the guitar," Tom fretted.

"I must be just a visitor," Tom guessed.

"I've struck oil," Tom gushed.

"I feel empty inside," Tom hollered.

"I think that mischievous child deceived me," Tom implied.

"She must be wearing her mink inside out," Tom inferred.

"This meat is not very tender," Tom insinuated.

"I can stay on pitch when I sing," Tom intoned.

"You look like a baby goat," Tom kidded.

"You know, I do love cats," Tom mused.

"That's not a sheltie — it's just a mongrel," Tom muttered.

"Oh! What I'd give to see the nicest of all trees — evergreens!" Tom opined.

"We'll get there before you do," Tom and Harry predicted.

"Yippee! Another windstorm," Tom regaled.

"I want to renew my membership," Tom rejoined.

"I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

"I used to think amputation was irreversible," Tom remembered.

"I'll glue the sheets of wood back together," Tom replied.

"Corroborate that again," Tom reproved.

"May I go look for the Holy Grail again?" Tom requested.

"We're having calf once again," Tom revealed.

"That's it! No more! That's my third electric shock this week!" Tom revolted.

"I got the stain out of my favorite shirt!" Tom shouted.

"I ate the last candy bar," Tom snickered.

"It looks like it's going to storm," Tom thundered.

"I hate milking cows," Tom uttered.

"Oh no! It's Moby Dick!" Tom wailed.

"Yuk! My grape juice has fermented," Tom whined.

"I don't like sweet potatoes," Tom yammered.


Then there are Double Croakers in which a combination of several sentence components make the pun.

"Furthermore, I'm the best mathematician in the world," Tom added summarily.

"Keep working, you mangy cur," Tom barked doggedly.

"This ... meat ... is ... hard ... to ... chew," Tom beefed jerkily.

"The fire in the hearth is going out," Tom bellowed greatly.

"I can't eat some of the meat they eat in France," Tom bridled hoarsely.

"Get me off this horse!" Tom derided woefully.

"I suppose I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded thinly.

"I refuse to obey that French 'No Smoking' sign," fumed Tom defensively.

"I did NOT finish in fifth place," Tom held forth.

"Your embroidery is sloppy," Tom needled cruelly.

"I plan to work at the cemetery," Tom plotted gravely.

"Do you think I can eventually draw blood from you?" Tom probed vainly.

"I'm leaving you, you snake!" Tom rattled off.

"That's the last time I'll lie on the train tracks!" said Tom, beside himself.

"No, I don't have any Milkyways on me," said Tom holding no bars.

"I've run out of wool," said Tom knitting his brow.

"The exit is right there," Tom pointed out.

"I'll figure out the answer to this algebra problem," Tom added, nonplussed.

"I'm wearing a wedding ring," said Tom with abandon.

"I've got you covered. Drop your gun," said Tom with a disarming smile.

"Eat more fruit" said Tom with aplomb.

"I just swallowed an earthworm," said Tom with bated breath.

"I've just slain and cremated the Greek piper god," said Tom with panache.

"I'll tell you no lies!" sang Tom in falsetto.

"So only one person arrived at your party before I did?" Tom second guessed.

"I am too singing in tune!" Tom sounded off.

"Well, even if no one else does, *I* enjoy fixing bicycle wheels," Tom spoke up.

"Well, I, for one, have always been a great proponent of the Heimlich manoeuvre," Tom struck back.

"Here's the story of the Liberty Bell," Tom told appealingly.

"Let me show you how to have a well polished floor," Tom waxed eloquently.


And, if you've made it this far and are sick to death of TOM, here are some Swifties and Croakers with no Tom at all!

"I wonder why uranium is fluorescent," said Marie curiously.

"Dorothy, if you go to Oz again, you're taking me instead of Toto," Auntie Em barked.

"Work, work, work! That's all I ever do. That's all I ever do," Bea droned.

"I hate reading Victor Hugo," said Les miserably.

"My mom is German," she muttered.

"Wouldn't just gold and frankincense do?" the Magi demurred.

"I've got a new game we could play," mumbled Peg.

"These cookies are too spicy!" Ginger snapped.


"Can you add any Croakers to the comments?" asked Rob openly.


"We're so often consumed with cheap toys when God wants to give us treasures that will last forever." Dr. Drew Conley

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Always remember — everyone of us is someone else's weirdo!

Mergers and Marriages

picture of a merger

This past Sunday my son told me he had heard that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook were planning to merge. I was thinking about what a powerhouse that would be until he dropped the punchline. He added, "They're going to call it YouTwitFace!" This started me thinking about mergers (takeovers?) in the news lately, like GM and the US Federal Government. So does GM now stand for Government Motors?

Then this week's news delivered the story of the possibly soon culmination of the Chrysler/Fiat deal. I read in this morning's news that the new Chrysler will be owned 20% by Fiat, together with the U.S. and Canadian governments (who are financing the sale with $2 billion), while over 67% will be controlled by the United Auto Workers. Hmm, it should be well run after that "reorganization"....

In the wake of such unlikely mergers, here are others that would be interesting if they ever took place, or at least more humorous than the current administration's "remaking" of our auto industry. I'm not even sure some of these companies are still in business, but they're names most people would still recognize.

If Yahoo and Netscape merged, they'd be Net 'n Yahoo, with their headquarters located in Tel Aviv.

If J.C. Penney merged with Aunt Jemina, they'd be Penney Aunty.

If Fairchild Electronics merged with Honeywell, would the new company be Fairwell Honeychild?

If Wurlitzer merged with Xerox, would they specialize in the cloning of organs?

How about Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers?
It could be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear?
M-M-M Good

John Deere and Abitibi-Price?
Deere Abi

Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer?
Crab Apple

Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds?
Swiss Cheese

If 3M, J.C. Penney, and Canadian Opera Company merged?
3 Penney Opera

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining?
Zip Audi Do Da

Luvs Diapers, Hertz Rent-a-Car, and Krispy Kreme?
Luv Hertz, Donut?

If Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women merged?
Knott NOW

If FEDEX and UPS merged? They'd call it FED UP.

Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil would become "Honey, I'm Home."

Denison Mines and Alliance and Metal Mining merge and would become "Mine, All Mine."

If Allegheny Airlines merged with Braniff, they'd be All-Bran, the world's most regular airline.

If Grace Chemical bought the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics, and then merged with Hale Business Systems, would this new conglomerate be known as "Hale Mary Fuller Grace?"


In this month of wedding, let's look at the results of some possible and improbable marriages and remarriages. Some of the names below remind me of names like Mary Baker Glover Patterson Eddy (founder of Christian Science) or Liz Taylor if she had retained all her married names — Liz Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Burton Warner Fortensky. Phew! Anyway, here goes....

picture of a couple

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, she would have been Yoko Ono Bono.

If Julie London married Bo Bridges and fell down the church steps after the wedding, she'd be Julie London Bridges falling down.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then later married Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then later married Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March II, she'd be Tuesday March II.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then later married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Nog (Quark's nephew having no other name on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") used his name twice when getting a marriage license, took the name of his bride, and married a girl whose last name was Hughes, and then later married Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Do you have any thoughts on mergers, real or fictitious?


"Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power." - Benito Mussolini

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Bumper sticker seen in California — Honk if you've been married to Liz!