Do you like the sound of bagpipes? To my way of thinking, bagpipes seem to show up at some of the oddest times in some of the oddest places — even here on my blog now! When I think of bagpipes, I think of the British Isles and kilts. But bagpipes, like the Swine Flu, have spread all over the world. If you don't know much about bagpipes, there's a link to a good article on Wikipedia.
Since I did not know the parts of a bagpipe mentioned in some of the jokes, such as drones, I searched to find a picture with labeled parts. I found one picture that had detail, down to the tiniest parts (WTMI = way too much information). Instead, I'm posting the nice simplified picture I found. I also did a search for Bill Livingston, mentioned in one of the jokes below, and learned that he is legendary in the world of bagpiping. He's a Canadian world class bagpipe soloist. (Maybe like me, you didn't know there was such a thing....)
While I'm not a huge fan of bagpipes, I don't really hate them either. A number of years ago we had a Pipes and Drums group came to campus for an artist series. There were several medleys in their program, but my knowledge of bagpipe music was so sparse that I could not recognize their having gone from one number to the next. The only number in a medley that was distinct to me was "Scotland the Brave." (You can find it online and listen to it.) I was exultant! I had finally recognized something!
Whether you like or dislike bagpipes, I think you'll find cause for laughter in what follows.
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
"I'm fine," Angus said. "But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time."
"Well, ma laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that."
"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Mum, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes."
Two girls are walking along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!"
The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?"
The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth lots more than a famous bagpiper any day.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a bagpipe case.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A bagpiper.
Q: What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
Q: How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five — one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
Q: How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five — one to change the bulb and four to criticize his fingering technique.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two don't really exist.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe, and doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between a cat in the road and a bagpipe in the road?
A: Some people would actually swerve to miss the cat.
Q: What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A: A bagpiper tuning his drones.
Q: Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A: No one knows when to come in.
Q: Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A: He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them down end to end, ... it would be a good idea.
Q: If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How late does the bagpipe band play?"
A: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q: The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB). Why?
A: They have seat belts and an air bag.
Q: Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q: Why do pipe bands march when they play?
A: Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A: Someone is blowing into it.
A Canadian Officer, pinned down with his unit in 1944 in Italy, urgently signaled his CO, "Need reinforcements to rescue us, please send six tanks or one bagpiper."
Q: How do you get two pipers in tune with each other?
A: Shoot one of them.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a chainsaw?
A: The chain saw doesn't have vibrato.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a lawn mower.
A: People get upset when someone borrows their lawn mower and doesn't give it back.
Q: What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q: How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A: He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q: Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: What's the definition of "optimism"?
A: A bagpiper with a beeper.
Q: What's the range of a bagpipe?
A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
A man walked into an office building after parking his car. When he got on the elevator, he said, "Oh no! I left my bagpipes in my car! Somebody might have stolen them!"
Back to the car he ran, and, sure enough, when he got there, his back window was smashed out. But when he looked in the back seat, he found four more sets of bagpipes.
Q: What do you call 100 bagpipes at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start.
Q: Why do pipers walk when they play?
A: They are trying to get away from the sound!
Someone once said, "You don't PLAY bagpipes, you WIELD them."
Q: How can you tell the difference between bagpipe songs?
A: By their names.
Q: Why do most people hate bagpipes right away?
A: It saves time.
I look forward to your comments on bagpipes!
"Bagpipes (noun). I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig." - Alfred Hitchcock
Thought: How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?