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A Baker’s Dozen of Funny Signs


Don't you love funny signs?! To me, unusual signs are among the funniest things in the world. You know that some are intentionally funny, but others make you wonder if the sign maker had thought twice about what those seeing the sign would think.

Today I'm posting a baker's dozen of signs for your amusement.

When we were at the Atlanta airport last weekend, we didn't see any signs like these two.

picture of airport sign

picture of airport sign

Here's one that hikers and bikers in Florida might be tempted to ignore.

picture of Florida road sign

I wonder if the crazy woman is in an RV or a tent.

picture of crazy woman

Some signs don't clear things up at all.

picture of cafeteria instructions

picture of sales sign

picture of road sign

Some signs make things crystal clear.

picture of village sign

Some warning signs make me smile or laugh out loud.

picture of pedestrian warning

picture of warning

picture of cig warning

picture of fire warning

picture of warning

What funny signs have you seen lately?

quotation...

"Your heart will fix itself wherever you put your treasure." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

If Airlines Sold Paint…


picture of paint cans

Last week in a post called The Rules of the Air I listed some laws of air travel, both written and unwritten. Yesterday we drove our daughter Megan and grandson Drew to Atlanta for their flight home. It was bizarre to receive a call from Megan letting us know they were safely back in Detroit while we were still driving back to Greenville!

One of the biggest mysteries of air travel is the pricing of tickets. I have heard that the passengers on any one flight would be shocked to learn what the other passengers had paid to occupy seats in the same section. Thinking about this, I remembered something I sent out by e-mail a number of years ago.

Buying paint from a hardware store...

Customer: Hi! How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

From an airline...

Customer: Hi! How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir, you see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Saturday night?

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for flying – I mean painting – with our airline!

Printed with permission. ©Alan H. Hess, 1998. All rights reserved.

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Have you ever compared prices with other passengers or found out what someone else paid to take the same flight with you? I'm sure learning something like that could be a cause for either gloating or pouting.

quotation...

"A powerful person's whole being rests on air, and God is in charge of the airflow." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Heard on an airplane, "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Beware the Ides of April


picture of sign

One occasionally hears "Beware the Ides of March!" but you rarely hear anything about the "Ides of April," and I don't quite know why not! (For those of you not living in the US, April 15th is "Tax Day" here in our country.) For you taxpaying Americans out there, I would like to graciously say that my tax forms went out in the mail this morning, with almost 15 hours to spare!

In honor of Tax Day I'm posting several tax-related items.

1040 EZiest TAX FORM
___________________

1. How much money did you make? $____________

2. Send it to us.

U.S. Gov't. Form 8765309

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There was a man who computed his taxes and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included the following letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed are my tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 - feel free to apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Or, since it's not an election year (phew!) I might suggest that you the apply the $22 to purchase a "1.5 inch Phillips head screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

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Now for a totally different look at such things.

A tax assessor came one day to a poor pastor to determine the amount of taxes the pastor would have to pay. The following conversation took place:

"What property do you possess?" asked the assessor.

"I am a very wealthy man," replied the minister.

"List your possessions, please," the assessor instructed.

"First , I have everlasting life, see John 3:16.

"Second, I have a mansion in heaven, see John 14:2.

"Third, I have peace that passes understanding, see Philippians 4:7.

"Fourth, I have inexpressible joy, see 1 Peter 1:8.

"Fifth, I have divine love which never fails, see 1 Corinthians 13:8.

"Sixth, I have a faithful, precious wife, see Proverbs 31:10.

"Seventh, I have healthy, happy, obedient children, see Exodus 20:12.

"Eighth, I have true, loyal friends, see Proverbs 18:24.

"Ninth, I have songs in the night, see Psalms 42:8.

"Tenth, I have a Crown of Life, see James 1:12."

The tax assessor closed his book and said, "You are indeed a very rich man ... but your wealth is not subject to taxation."

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This is AACS competition week on campus, and traditionally Wednesday of that week is an official "day of rest." Since we were free today, we took a short trip up the road to Carl Sandburg's home in Flat Rock, NC, since they normally have baby goats by now. Here's a picture of Drew enjoying the two-day-old baby goats.

picture of Drew and baby goats

Did any of you cut it as close as I did on filing your taxes? I have to admit that one year a friend and I drove to the downtown post office in Detroit after 11:00 pm to get our taxes sent before the midnight filing deadline. We sat in a long line of cars of others who were handing their stamped envelopes to post office employees outside. So I did better this year than I have other years! 🙂

quotation...

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress." - anonymous in the year 1950

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

I'll end this post with a picture I received recently from a subscriber.

picture of Obama logic

Rules of the Air


picture of landing

Do you like airports and flying? Flying is a wonderfully fast way to get from point A to point B, but it can definitely include some frustrations and even some scary moments. The picture on the right is of an airplane approaching the Kai Tak Airport, which was the international airport of Hong Kong until their new airport opened in 1998. My wife and I flew in and out of its replacement, the Hong Kong International Airport, in the summer of 2005. It has been repeatedly voted World's Best Airport, and we agree that it is without a doubt the nicest airport we've ever been in. And we're very glad our plane didn't have to maneuver through buildings as the planes had to to get to the old airport!

Some of the rules in the list below are for passengers and some are for pilots.

Rules of the Air

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

No flight ever leaves on time, unless you are running late and need the delay to make your connecting flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper or when you start to drink your coffee.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated near you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Flying isn't dangerous. It's crashing that's dangerous.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

divider

This post about flying came to mind since our daughter and grandson flew into Atlanta this past Saturday evening and will fly out again next weekend. Since Becka and I were going to Atlanta, two of our "campus sons" Tim and Andy who live near Atlanta arranged a little reunion. We all met at Tim's house that afternoon. It was great to catch up with them and it was hard to believe that they were our campus sons 24 years ago! We are hoping to get together here in Greenville this summer.

Here's a picture of Tim and Alice and their family.

picture of Tim's family

Here's a picture of Andy and Carol and their family.

picture of Andy's family

After a nice visit we headed for the airport to pick up Megan and Drew. Here's a picture Megan took of Drew in the airplane.

picture of Drew reading on the plane

Sunday it was nice to have our daughters Megan and Nora and our son Mark and daughter-in-law Katie and our grandson Drew around the table for lunch. After lunch we had an Easter egg hunt in our front yard. Drew didn't like the prickly grass, and so we had to move the eggs onto the sidewalk. Here he is picking up the eggs.

picture of Drew and Easter eggs

Later in the day he took a tumble off the neighbor boy's tricycle. Here he is with his skinned up face.

picture of Drew scraped up

I'll share more pictures later this week as our adventures (and hopefully no more misadventures!) unfold.

Do any of these rules ring true from your flying experiences? I'm sure some of you could share some great stories of flights and airports!

By the way, if you notice anything missing as you click around on my blog (pictures, video, etc.), could you please let me know through the contact link? One person has written me about one set of pictures in a post, and I really appreciate it. I don't have time to look at all 60 pages, especially this week.

quotation...

"This is God's world, and He has the right to make the rules and ask us to obey." - Dr. Jim Deuink

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

Work Slogans


picture of conference room

Do you like slappy slogans? Today's corporate world often weds a slogan to their eye-catching logos to keep their brand in the minds of those targeted by their advertising. Some are mere hype, almost like motivational posters, while others really are successful at capturing the essence of the company and its services or products.

Our laptop that was recently assailed by spyware/worms/Trojan horses/whatever is an HP Pavilion that we've had for two years. Hewlett-Packard's advertising slogan is "HP Invent." It's concise and sounds kind of neat, but I'm not sure what it is supposed to tell the consumer concerning HP's products. When I ordered the CD's to restore our laptop, HP mailed them to me through FedEx, which I understand is a sister company of HP. I had to pay $14.95 for shipping and handling. When I saw from the tracking that the CD's were picked up in Greenville SC, shipped to Charlotte NC, and then back to where we live in Greenville SC, I labeled it "shipping and mishandling." FedEx's slogan is "Relax, it's FedEx." It's not that I wasn't relaxing, but it was puzzling to watch the tracking, wondering where else my CDs's would go before I got them. And believe it or not, they arrived the day after I ordered them! But I could have driven to pick them up more cheaply than the cost of shipping and mishandling....

I looked in my files to see if I had anything along this line and found some "work slogans." I think that some must be the slogans of the employees rather than the employers.

Slogans at the Work Place

We put the "K" in "Kwality"

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing all those who opposed them

A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether

TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation

We waste time, so you don't have to

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY

Succeed in spite of management

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day

The beatings will continue until morale improves

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For those who receive the e-mail versions of my blog posts, I'm sorry for the double mailing. It was just part of getting everything back into place when I uploaded the older, uninfected database. I hope I'm on the "far side" of the worm debacle now! A word to the wise (and anyone else reading this) – if you go to a website and get a message that you need to click on something to update your Flash/Shockwave player, don't do it! Go to the Adobe site to do that update! I think that may be how the rootkit got installed on our system.

Today, tomorrow, and Saturday is the annual Living Gallery on campus. If you live close to Greenville to, you really should consider attending one of the identical presentations. There are still seats available.

This Saturday our daughter Megan and grandson Drew will be arriving to spend a week with us. Brace yourself for pictures and stories next week. 😀

Do you have a favorite company slogan? Can you share one that either makes no sense or is just plain wrong?

quotation...

"Every time you sin, you're worshiping the devil." - David Hosaflook

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.