The last post dealt with students' excuses for the way things are. Today's will focus on the parents of those young scholars. My first eleven years of teaching were on the high school level where meeting the parents of my students was often quite interesting. It left me thinking one of two things — either "Is that child really from that family?!" or "Well, that explains a lot!" As one of my college teachers used to say, "The apple doesn't fall far from the horse, does it?"
The following are reputed to be real notes written by parents. I have left (mis)spellings and grammatical problems intact. Some of them are funny, but some are just sad.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.
Please exuse Tiffany from being absent she had a sour throught.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
To give the benefit of the doubt, it could be that the notes were actually written by the student and signed by the parent. Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for their kids!
As I prepared for this post I found a excuse form from one fairly tough school district:
On the other end of the spectrum I offer you an All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to help get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. It's multiple choice, so pick the items that work best for your situation. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be! If nothing else, it will serve as fodder for learning to write your own excuses. (I realize this is something some of you may need no help with. In fact, you could probably make suggestions on how to improve the form below....)
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully underappreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,
e) priceless collection of Coca-cola bottles,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,
b) sue me,
c) shun me,
d) take my firstborn,
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
d) lease co-signer.
e) only possible match, should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than this one prank, especially a prank that
a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny, if it had worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm surely going to use again on someone else.
Enter name or alias here: ________________________
Have any of you heard of received a great excuse that you'd like to share in the comments?
"There's nothing we can do to get God to love us more, and nothing we can do to make Him love us less." - Richard Stratton
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.