ivman's blague rotating header image loading ... please wait....

Please Follow the Destructions!

We live in such strange times! There are many people looking for any possible reason to sue someone, even for problems caused by their own idiocy. In hopes of having some legal straw to grasp in the event of a potential lawsuit, many manufacturers now put the weirdest directions and disclaimers on their products. Today's instant vacation is a list of some of those disclaimers on products. Be sure you read this in a place where you can occasionally laugh out loud.

Absurd product warnings and instructions

On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

On a Taiwanese shampoo:
Use repeatedly for severe damage.

On the bottle-top of a flavored milk drink in the UK:
After opening, keep upright.

On a New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
Open other end.

On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.

On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks:
Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1.

On the Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Once you've read the instructions on a box of Pepperidge Farm frozen raspberry turnovers, it's too late to obey them:
Preheat oven to 475 degrees F before taking package from the freezer.

For incorrigible narcissists, Conair offers this safety tip with its blow dryers:
Never use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

On Boots children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery after taking this medication

On Nytol (a sleep aid):
May cause drowsiness

On an American Airlines packet Of nuts:
Open packet, eat nuts.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Keep out of children

On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Contains nuts

On a bottle of Palmolive dish washing liquid:
Do not use on food.

On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
If swallowed contact poison control.

On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

On a packet Of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Here are a few warning signs along the same vein.

use your own brain

self defense against the fence

feeding the animals with fingers

wired to work out

beware of killer frogs

moose crossing

nuts may contain nuts

be prepared

beware of lady

Have you seen any bizarre disclaimers or instructions lately? Please tell us about it in a comment.


"Truth causes us to cut between tradition and trends." - Dr. Chris Barney

=^..^= =^..^=

No electrons were harmed in the creation of this blog post, although some were undoubtedly inconvenienced.

Print This Post Print This Post

If you enjoyed this post, to get updates when I post to my blog, sign up for your preferred method below — RSS, Twitter, or e-mail.

19 Comments on “Please Follow the Destructions!”

  1. #1 David McGuire
    on Aug 4th, 2008 at 11:59 pm

    The following sign adorns the restroom door at one of our local parks:

    “This building maybe protected by video surveillance.”

    And then again, maybe not!

  2. #2 Johanna
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 5:22 am

    Great “destructions!” I just came back from Poland. In Danzig (or Gdansk according to the Polish), there was a sign for ice cream. It said “Tasty Desert.” Not sure how that’s compatible! Thanks for the great blague.

  3. #3 Rob
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 6:40 am

    Thanks for that sign, David. It may be a comfort or it may be a threat to anyone who may be in that building.

    Johanna, I hope the folks at the ice cream place desserted you in your hour of need. 🙂

  4. #4 LeAnne
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 8:06 am

    My mom used to perm her own hair. On the box, the instructions said, “Always roll curlers toward head.” As if you could roll them any other way!

  5. #5 Michael
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 8:36 am

    I find it interesting that when you unpack an item that is wrapped in a plastic bag that there are warnings on the bag (often in pictures and not in words) that tell you not to put the bag over your head and then inhale.

    But, if I owned a business and were responsible for distributing products to the public, I would have all kinds of obvious warnings all over them in order to have a sound defense in the event I would get sued. Such is the case in our litigious society today.

  6. #6 Rob
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 8:41 am

    Michael, you would be wise in taking such precautions. My wife and I actually know several people who may have been the reason for some of those warnings I posted. F’rinstace, Becka knew a girl in college who tried ironing a garment she was wearing, thereby burning her abdomen severely!

    BTW, congratulations – your dream has come true in my sidebar!!!

  7. #7 Heather
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 8:59 am

    I think the people who wrote some of these comments for the packaging had a lot of fun 🙂

  8. #8 Donna
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 9:25 am

    On the package of 1-Year-Old Birthday Party decorations that I bought for my son … “Not intended for children under the age of 3.”

  9. #9 Sherry
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 9:44 am

    Was it in your French class that I remember learning about how the French had to have instructions on their cereal boxes to instruct them how to eat? Like, “Open box. Pour cereal into bowl. Pour *cold* milk over cereal. Use spoon to lift cereal from bowl to mouth. Enjoy.” I suppose for a society that didn’t grow up on cold cereal, those types of instructions would make sense. But it always made me laugh to wonder how else one might eat cereal!

    I also think it’s hilarious as a teacher, the lengths we go to in order to “instruct” our students. Sometimes I spend longer trying to explain the instructions for an activity than the activity takes itself!! 🙂 (Especially with Junior Highers!)

  10. #10 Nora
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 10:22 am

    there is a sign in front of the springwell church on wade hampton it says:

    new message series
    bring a friend

    i found it humorous… maybe it’s just me though.

  11. #11 Rob
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 10:27 am

    Heather, I found myself wondering if the people making up those directions and warnings weren’t doing just that – making them up!

    I hope you kept those decorations away from your son, Donna, although since it was his party, he could have cried if he had wanted to….

    Sherry, I chuckled at your comment, having had the task of organizing Junior Highers for activities. Remember those American activities in France where we had to try to organize kids in another language!

    Nora, I laughed out loud at the contents of that sign. I hope the visitors don’t feel like baggage! 😀

  12. #12 David
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 11:11 am

    Hi Rob,

    A comedian named Brian Regan has done a very funny act poking fun at Pop-Tart directions: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8kThoZpF_U

    Just a personal disclaimer: I have not seen very many of his routines, so I would be hesitant to completely endorse Brian Regan; however, this one is clean and very funny.

  13. #13 Carrie
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    Thanks for the laughs! Do you have a collection of mis-translated descriptions on products? Like when I was in Cambodia and there was special shampoo for “unweighty hair”?

  14. #14 Sherry
    on Aug 5th, 2008 at 4:38 pm

    Ah, yes. “Molecule….treize!!!” I love organized chaos!!! 🙂

  15. #15 Rob
    on Aug 6th, 2008 at 7:18 am

    David, thanks for the link to the Brian Regan routine on Pop-Tarts. It was really funny!

    Carrie, I do have something I’m planning to share in another post or two with some great mis-translations. If you have any to send me in the meantime to add to what I’ve got, I’d appreciate it.

    Oh Sherry! The memories your “Molecule….treize!!!” brought back are priceless! Thanks for reminding me of a specific instance of the human equivalent of herding cats! LOL!!!

  16. #16 Heather
    on Aug 6th, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    I recently bought a package of rice crackers from a local oriental store (they were edible, I might add). On the package it stated that if “product gets into eyes or mouth, rinse with water” Maybe it’s just better drinking water with the crackers?!

  17. #17 Marla
    on Aug 7th, 2008 at 11:26 pm

    hey. . . i normally just read, but my friend and i saw a sign about two years ago somewhere in West Virginia. It said “Please Pre-Pay in Advance”. . . really. . . it did. . . I have a picture, but I’m not sure how to post it here. =)

  18. #18 Sarah
    on Aug 8th, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    I saw once on a bottle of Rogaine for Men- “Do not use if pregnant”

    and on a hairdryer package “Do not use while sleeping”. I’m still trying to figure out how you could do that.

  19. #19 Grayson
    on Aug 11th, 2008 at 7:40 am

    On a multimedia rack I once purchased, the box had a picture of the rack and a couple of CDs/VHS tapes (that shows how long ago this was!). The disclaimer:
    “Stuff Not Included.”