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Poison I.V.


picture of poison ivy

Do you ever get ideas from reading blogs? My wife did a post recently about the inspiration she gets from reading other blogs. Yesterday Bet over at Dappled Things had a post discussing two of my summertime enemies — mosquitoes and poison ivy. I commented on her blog that I am bait for both. Shuddering at the thought of poison ivy reminded me of some quotations in my files.

The I.V. of ivman, for you newer readers, stands for "instant vacation." You can read more about how this whole "iv" thing got started on my about page. My iv's are intended to give my readers some much-needed laughs. I've named this blog post "Poison I.V." because it is a list of borderline venomous quotations that range from cynical, to pessimistic, to thought-provoking, to hilarious! Some of the quotations are actually insults, but I think you will LOL at some of them.

I am always a bit hesitant to share quotations of people that I'm not familiar with for fear that the one quoted is some weirdo or creep. So I will add the following disclaimer — if in my ignorance I am sending a quotation from such a person, I'm doing so innocently. Never assume malice for what ignorance could explain.

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Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. - Ambrose Bierce

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. - H.L. Mencken

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type. - Fran Lebowitz

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive. - G.K. Chesterton

Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with the nonconformity. - Eric Hoffer

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. - P.J. O'Rourke

If you leave the smallest corner of your head vacant for a moment, other people's opinions will rush in from all quarters. - George Bernard Shaw

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open. - Ogden Nash

Every Frenchman wants to enjoy one or more privileges; that's the way he shows his passion for equality. - Charles de Gaulle

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another. - Frank J. Dobie

A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him. - Nathaniel Branden

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. - John F. Kennedy

There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it. - Denis Diderot

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible. - Jean Kerr

The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth. - Edith Sitwell

Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes. - George Norman Douglas

A woman does not spend all her time in buying things; she spends part of it in taking them back. - Edgar Watson Howe

Washington is the only place where sound travels faster than light. - C.V.R. Thompson

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms. - Groucho Marx

A modest little person, with much to be modest about. - Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)

Suppose you were an idiot..... And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. - George Ade

We live in an environment whose principal product is garbage. - Russell Baker

I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. - Chauncey Depew

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. - Eric Hoffer

Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own. - G.C. Lichtenberg

When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away. - Robert M. Hutchins

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - Jonathan Swift

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. - Samuel Johnson

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? - La Rochefoucauld

The multitude of books is making us ignorant. - Voltaire

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston Churchill

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. - Eugene McCarthy

If they really want to honor the soldiers, why don't they let them sit in the stands and have the people march by. - Will Rogers

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

There is no distinctly native American criminal class, save Congress. - Mark Twain

What this country needs are [sic] more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. - P.J. O'Rourke

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. - Thomas Brackett Reed

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? - Harry Shearer

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. - Alan Coren

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. - Ogden Nash

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. - Artemus Ward

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OK, now did you laugh at least once? And did you notice, there was not one mention of Mark Sanford, Farrah Fawcett, or Michael Jackson?

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


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13 Comments on “Poison I.V.”

  1. #1 Mrs. Troop
    on Jun 25th, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    What a fun post! I DID laugh. And I WAS relieved that you didn’t mention some of today’s news.

    Particularly entertaining to me, were your quotes from Ogden Nash. My grandmother loved humorous writing and poetry and I inherited (no one else wanted them) several volumes of Ogden Nash. We often pull them out and read them to each other and laugh hysterically.

    Much funnier than “new” humor, I think.
    Happy Thursday!

  2. #2 Rob
    on Jun 25th, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    @Mrs. Troop – Glad you enjoyed it. Yep, there is much venomous that could be said about those in today’s news, but I wanted my blog to truly be a vacation from all that “noise.” Ogden Nash is indeed very fun. I don’t remember where I got the quotations of his … I just throw these things into existing files as I receive them or stumble upon them. Who knows how long today’s post has been “aging” in the My Documents\Humor folder?

  3. #3 Dahv
    on Jun 25th, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    I love sharp wit. I used to use it all too often, though, and often got myself in trouble at others’ expense. I’m very sarcastic. It was refreshing to read some sarcasm that wasn’t offensive (to anyone important 🙂 ). Thank you, M. Loach, for the time you put into this “blague” just to make us smile, and sometimes, LOL. 🙂

  4. #4 Carrie
    on Jun 26th, 2009 at 12:25 am

    Yes, thank you. 🙂

  5. #5 Rob
    on Jun 26th, 2009 at 7:08 am

    @Dahv – I have to be careful myself since I tend to sarcasm. I’m learning, though, to add a softer, ironic edge to it, though, that tries to gently poke fun at things. Sarcasm is something that we have to be very careful with because it can be quite hurtful and at times downright demeaning.

    @Carrie – You’re most welcome. 🙂

  6. #6 Nancy
    on Jun 26th, 2009 at 8:25 am

    I remember attending an event one December with a friend of mine. We observed a beautifully dressed woman, and I said that it was a shame she’d have to cover up her lovely outfit with a winter coat, to which my friend replied, “Not to worry. She has her pride to keep her warm.”

    and

    A colleague and I were trying to understand this comment by a book reviewer: “The brush is too broad that paints gray all black.” Someone in the room commented, “Let it never be said that clarity clouds our vision.”

  7. #7 Roy Hooper
    on Jun 26th, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    Hey Rob: If the “news” for the past few days is what sells, then it is truly a reflection of the moral climate (abyss) we are in. I was refreshingly pleased to find your blog a wonderful and entertaining departure from the news commentators droning on and on. Wouldn’t it be great to have a news channel exclusively dedicated to “What God is doing on planet earth?”
    Roy

  8. #8 Rob
    on Jun 26th, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    @Nancy – Thanks for the funny stories. It’s great to read real life incidences!
    You seem to attract incidences like this, though….

  9. #9 Nancy
    on Jun 26th, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Rob, it’s my magnetic personality, I suspect.

  10. #10 Rob
    on Jun 27th, 2009 at 8:41 am

    @Nancy – That must be the reason…. 🙂

  11. #11 Dave
    on Jun 27th, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Well, Rob, in keeping with the I.V. theme, I should say that your blague continues to grow on me.
    .-= Dave’s most recent blog post … Michael Jackson: King of Poop =-.

  12. #12 b.j.
    on Jul 1st, 2009 at 11:54 am

    LOVE the “van gogh’s ear for music!” I think that would be a subtle, nicer way to refer to my dear hubby’s musical talents! I guess it applies in more ways than one, though, as he is very passionate about the songs (good thing) even though the singing is, well,… haha! He’s gonna love this!

  13. #13 Rob
    on Jul 2nd, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    @b.j. – Has your husband seen your comment yet? 🙂