Are negative people doing their best (worst?) to rain on your parade? I have to admit that there are many things going on in life in today's world that make it easy for those who want to to feed their negativity. I hope you, dear reader, are not one whose blood type is "Be Negative!" Today's iv is humor, all of which contains some aspect of negativity that I hope you'll find positively humorous. I'll start off with one of my favorites about double negatives.
A couple months ago, Bill entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Shortly after that he won a $250,000 house, so naturally he had it built on his new land. Last week, he won enough money in the lottery to quit his job and move down there for good. And just last night, as he sat on his new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
Sentenced to 15 years in prison, an 80 year old man told the judge, "I'll never live that long."
The judge replied, "Well, do the best you can."
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day, and said "In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. This was also true in the English of Shakespeare's time where multiple negatives merely implied a heightened intensity of negativity, and it has been reported that the English of South Central Harlem has similar rules allowing multiple negatives for emphasis."
"However," he continued, "there is no language in which a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right!"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called the Dei Mellini."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful!" said the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and seats were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
"And the hotel was fantastic! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I'm sure you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and told me that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors. And if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked through the door and shook my hand and spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really?! What'd he say?"
He said, "Wow, who messed up your hair?
Megan, Drew, and Maddie are here visiting us. They all got to meet our new granddaughter Avery. Here's a picture of our two granddaughters.
Well, I hope today's post helped you shake off any feelings of negativity you might have been struggling with.
"Many people claim God. The question is, 'does God claim them?'" — Drew Conley
I posted my jokes telepathically today, so if you found yourselves laughing for no reason, it was me. If you found yourselves groaning for no reason, it was still me.
Print This Post
E-mail this post to a friend
Share this post on Facebook