- ivman's blague - http://blog.ivman.com -

Rules for Father’s Day Gifts

picture of ratchet set

With Father's Day less than two weeks away, I thought I'd help out those who need gift ideas for the men in their lives. Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as women would think. The helpful insights provided below will show you that it's actually easier than it is for us guys to shop for women. If you follow these rules, you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. One man owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it or know what it does, but it will look good hanging on the peg board in the garage. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word "ratchet" or "socket" in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you done with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear view mirror would be just perfect. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. It has been said that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have allowed someone to invent Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy him a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Forget the program — your entertainment will be watching him have fun!

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. Again, no one knows why.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of aftershave or deodorant. Men do not stink — they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything whose packaging contains the phrases "some assembly required" or "read the enclosed instructions". It will ruin his special day, and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter that he doesn't know what the gift is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks!"

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they will barbecue. Get a man a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh, the thrill! The challenge! Anyone want a hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a professional sporting event (any team within 300 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective on 19th Century Porcelain Dolls."

Rule #12:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Don't settle for just a step ladder — what he really wants is an extension ladder.

Rule #13:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #6. (Remember what happens when he gets a label maker?)

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8-inch manilla rope.

Rule #15:
Buy your man duct tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct tape it!


I don't know who wrote those rules originally. Some of them are spot-on, and others I don't agree with. I tweaked them, but I didn't alter them enough to obscure the original thoughts.

A reader sent me something the other day that I thought would be the perfect way to end this post. I'm posting it just as it came in the e-mail.

picture of Dewalt Nail Gun

If you can find one of those (other than in Photoshop, maybe), wouldn't it make a great gift?! Added on June 9: A commenter sent a link that shows that this is not a product of Photoshop — http://www.likecool.com/DeWalt-16_Nail_Gun--Tools--Gear.html [1]

That nail gun would have been of no help in a home improvement project we did this past Saturday. Ever since we moved to this house five years ago, Becka has been wanting a free-standing gas stove in the kitchen instead of the little drop-in electric range that came with the house. Fortunately for me, we have a young friend still in college who has been working with his dad all through his teen years doing home renovations. They have every tool known to mankind (although he hadn't seen the one above.) But in addition to having the right tools, he knows how to do everything necessary for the project we did. The job was completed in five hours and looks great! You can read more about it and see pictures on my wife's blog. The post is called Now I'm cooking with gas! [2]

Do any of you have any ideas for great gifts for Father's Day?


"Temptation always lies to us. It promises sweetness, but it turns bitter in our mouths." - Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=

"A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be." unknown