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Summer Upgrades … and Some Aren’t


picture of upgrade

June is traditionally the month when there are lots of weddings. This month we have several here in town that we'll be attending and several out of state that we cannot attend. This summer I'm working again at IT ServiceDesk on campus, "improving life, one computer at a time." One of our summer tasks is upgrading software and even some hardware. For today's iv, I'm going to "wed" those two ideas into the theme for the iv - comparing marriage to upgrades of computer programs.

What you're about to read is two fictitious e-mail exchanges between newlyweds and tech support. They are similar in many ways, and yet very different so as to reflect the differences between the genders.

Tech Support Request

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very few system resources for other applications. After a few months I noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that is taking up a lot of space and further valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, launches during system initialization, and monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications, and I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 from taking over my system. It's too late to uninstall and go back to the Girlfriend 7.0 program. Can you please help me?

Thanks,
Troubled User

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REPLY...

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but it's mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities and Entertainment" program.

Wife 1.0 is an operating system and designed to run everything. WARNING – do not try to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed! Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You're right – you cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.3 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. Do not even think of trying to run Girlfriend 7.0 or 7.3 in the background. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the other program running in the background and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\I_APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then the reset button as soon as a lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPF's.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communication 5.0

Wishing you the best!
Tech Support

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Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included before the upgrade.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as RomanticMovies 7.5, OceansideWalks 3.9, SappyLoveNotes 2.2, and OperaNight 6.1, and it installs new, undesirable programs such as BasketballNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Whenever I try to run Communication 5.0, it invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Cooking 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running NagNag 9.5 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please?

Thanks,
Desperate

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REPLY...

Dear Desperate,
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misunderstanding. Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an entertainment program while Husband 1.0 is an operating system that, incidentally, was designed to run as few applications as possible. Furthermore, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 eventually to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can be installed only once per year, since Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, just a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their favorite old applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical operating system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command: C:\I_THOUGHT_YOU_LOVED_ME. You will find that sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF's, and ultimately it may be YOU who has to give a C:\I_APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or Workaholic 6.9.

Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPF's, but because of this fine feature, it can only intermittently run all applications that Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly, not being very intuitive.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotMeals 3.0, Cheerfulness 5.3, LovingPatience 10.1, and Listening 2. Used in combination, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, you will become more familiar with Husband 1.0 and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution. Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 might run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this wonderful product.

Your friends at Tech Support

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Any comments on those exchanges? 😀

quotation...

"Does your planning take priority over your praying? What do you do first, and what do you do most?" - Dr. Chris Barney

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"June weddings are the perfect opportunity to sweat in an ugly bridesmaid's dress." - Maxine


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12 Comments on “Summer Upgrades … and Some Aren’t”

  1. #1 Jkopp
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Whatever you do. Don’t let your wife see your blog. 🙂

    Jkopp’s last blog post..The Afro.

  2. #2 Rob
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 9:21 am

    @Jkopp – I have to tell you, Josh, that I have my wife proofread every blog post for errors in wording and for anything that is “over the line.” Her comment last evening was that she said people will enjoy it, especially my techie friends. 🙂

  3. #3 Vikki
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 10:03 am

    The good news is that Wife 1.0 and Husband 1.0, if maintained regularly, will run for years with very few crashes. I know I’ve grown to really love my version which was purchased 37 years ago!

  4. #4 Rob
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 10:10 am

    @Vikki – Spoken as a true computer degree holder. I’ve grown exceedingly fond of the version of Wife 1.0 that I purchased 32 years ago. I heard a wonderful saying a few years back – “If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, just water yours more.”

  5. #5 Laura
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 10:23 am

    I thought this was a humorous yet somewhat insightful look at husband/wife relationships. I can’t really speak with any authority on the subject since I’m still running the Boyfriend 5.0 application, but I’m definitely learning the value of Communication 5.0 as we move toward making the upgrade! 🙂

  6. #6 KT
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 10:27 am

    Thanks. I think I’ll keep my Oldmaid 6.2 and my Pets 5.1 installed.

  7. #7 Rob
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    @Laura – I hope that running the Boyfriend 5.0 application will serve as good preparation for a smooth transition into the upgrade. Let me know how the process goes.

    @KT – There are many who find the installations you mentioned to be more than enough for their personal happiness, especially when they see others who wish they had not installed any of the other applications in my post. I don’t think there’s any one operating system that is suitable for all.

  8. #8 Wally Lamark
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Those were great! Did you write those yourself?

  9. #9 Rob
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    @Wally – Thanks – glad you enjoyed them. I received them separately in the past and tweaked and rewrote parts of them. But it’s been some time ago, so I can no longer remember what was mine and what wasn’t. Before I posted this, I did some web searching and found lots of variations of them.

  10. #10 Michael
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    I liked the witty integrating of tech speak to address what happens sometimes in some marriages. However, I would argue that these parodies actually take an overall negative view of marriage with the only advice at the end being stick with what you have and maybe things will get a little better. I am particularly averse to the idea of buying my wife something just to pacify her when I’ve done something wrong. If that actually works in a relationship, what does that say about the relationship? What does that say about the husband and the wife as individuals? Marriage is a wonderful gift from God that is supposed to get better as time goes by. That’s a fact that many of the other commenters have said they are currently enjoying.

  11. #11 Rob
    on Jun 4th, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    @Michael – I’m glad that you recognized that the “e-mails” are gently poking fun at some aspects of what some call the gender gap. I’m glad also that you are weighing in on the side of those of us who are happily married and actually enjoy the differences between the male perspective and the female perspective. As we say in French, Vive la différence! I agree that some of the proposed “solutions” in the tech replies are quite shallow, but I believe that the tongue is firmly planted in the cheek. 😛

  12. #12 Rachael Woodard
    on Jun 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am

    I found it to be hilarious! Thanks, Rob! What a great laugh! I can send this to all my techie friends and, for the most part, they’ll “get it.”