- ivman's blague - http://blog.ivman.com -

Swifties of Biblical Proportions

Tom said piously

Anyone who knows me personally or who has read my blog posts for any length of time knows how much I love a good pun. When a pun can be wedded with a point of grammar, it becomes irresistible for me. One such phenomenon is Tom Swifties, of which I have done two previous posts — Tom Swifties, part 1 [1] and Tom Swifties, part 2 [2].

In the first of those posts I gave the background of how Tom Swifties came to be. If you are interested to learn more about that, you can look at that post [1]. The upshot of it is that a "Tom Swiftie" is an adverbial pun game in which the object is to match an adverb with a statement to produce a (hopefully) hilarious pun.

One of my tasks over the Christmas break was to go through some piles on my desk here at home. I was able to eliminate a lot of clutter, but also I found a few treasures that I knew would be good fodder for future blog posts. One of the things I found was a photocopy of an article from a 1982 issue of HIS magazine from Inter-Varsity Press. As best as I can determine, I believe that magazine is no longer being produced.

Anyway, today I will share with you the best of the Swifties from that article, along with a few of my own. 🙂

"Abel, would you like me to spot you while you try to bench press that giant rock?" Cain said bashfully.

"They just appeared two by two," whispered Noah arcanely.

"The second dove hasn't returned," said Noah drily.

"So, you're leaving everything behind, just like that?" asked Lot's wife saltily.

"I have some exciting news to give you, Abraham," said Sarah expectantly.

"But Father, where is the sacrifice?" asked Isaac sheepishly.

"I suspect my brothers don't love me," said Joseph pitifully.

"Prepare my chariot," commanded Pharaoh hoarsely.

"The grapes in Canaan are as big as watermelons," said the Israelite spy joshingly.

"You take her, Boaz. I don't want her," said the next of kin ruthlessly.

"Ouch!" said Goliath stonily.

"Now those false gods will be put in their place," said Elijah balefully.

"I tell you, she did talk!" said Balaam assertively.

"Now where am I going to find food?" asked Elijah ravenously.

"You know what the penalty is for refusing to bow down, don't you?" asked Nebuchadnezzar heatedly.

"I never thought Salome would do it," said John the Baptist absentmindedly.

"Wherever did the swine go?"asked the demoniac dispiritedly.

"That's where we buried Lazarus," said Mary gravely.

"I'll tear down my barns and build even bigger ones," said the rich man expansively.

"Hey, give me a boost up that tree," said Zacchaeus shortly.

"I'm so sorry. The next thing I knew, I was dozing off,"said Eutychus brokenly.

"I'm thankful I can earn my own living," said Paul contentedly.


I hope you enjoyed those. Maybe you can add a few of your own in the comments.


"You might think your private sin won't hurt others, but it does because it changes you." — Drew Conley


"I had a profoundly disturbing dream about the wheat harvest," said Joseph, shocked.