Posts Tagged ‘airheads’

Have you ever gone through a corn maze? I don't remember hearing much about them until the last couple of years ... and this year especially. The Pumpkin Patch we went to several weeks ago while in Cincinnati for the weekend had a 7-acre corn maze that looks like the United States from an aerial view. Though the visitors could go through it that day, we didn't since there were other activities that we thought we'd rather do.

I take it that farmers have begun to do corn mazes for some off-season tourist business in the fall. Our daughter Nora went to a huge corn maze here locally this past week with friends and said it was really fun and scary. I decided to see what I could learn about corn mazes (or "maize mazes") online and was surprised to find all kinds of pictures and sites. If you'd like to learn more about corn mazes, you can go to http://www.cornfieldmaze.com or to http://www.brownielocks.com/cornmaze.html. You can even try to locate a corn maze near you by going to http://www.cornmazedir.com

Here's a picture of a neat patriotic corn maze...

Yesterday a student sent me a picture of a corn maze tailor made for one group of visitors....

On this day after the elections here in the USA, I am thankful that the Lord does not have us going though life as if we were in a maze. He knows exactly what He's doing, and He has most definitely not lost control as everything moves towards His ultimate prophesied end. I've had a song going through my head all day and was so pleased that we sang it in church this evening - not once, but twice! It's a great reminder of the Biblical perspective on things. Here are the lyrics...

There Is a Higher Throne
Words and Music by Keith & Kristyn Getty
Copyright © 2003 Thankyou Music

There is a higher throne
Than all this world has known,
Where faithful ones from ev'ry tongue
Will one day come.
Before the Son we'll stand,
Made faultless through the Lamb;
Believing hearts find promised grace -
Salvation comes.

REFRAIN
Hear heaven's voices sing;
Their thund'rous anthem rings
Through em'rald courts and sapphire skies.
Their praises rise.
All glory, wisdom, pow'r,
Strength, thanks, and honor are
To God our King, who reigns on high
Forevermore.

And there we'll find our home,
Our life before the throne;
We'll honor Him in perfect song
Where we belong.
He'll wipe each tear-stained eye
As thirst and hunger die.
The Lamb becomes our Shepherd King;
We'll reign with Him.

REFRAIN
Hear heaven's voices sing;
Their thund'rous anthem rings
Through em'rald courts and sapphire skies.
Their praises rise.
All glory, wisdom, pow'r,
Strength, thanks, and honor are
To God our King, who reigns on high
Forevermore.

You can read a great article for believers after the election by clicking here.

There were some good punchlines for the most recent blog post.

I hope that some of my readers have gone through a corn maze or maybe some have even constructed one. Please comment away about that or anything else in this post.

quotation...

"Problems in society are just a symptom of the core problem - man's estrangement from God." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Opportunities are not lost - they just go to someone else.

If you enjoyed this post, get my RSS feed or get my posts by e-mail

(Phew! I just dodged another bullet!) Several months back I posted some blonde jokes. A blonde friend asked me to please cool it for a while with the blonde jokes! Figuring there might be others who felt the same way and just hadn't expressed their sentiments to me, I honored her plea. Please, don't shoot me! Actually, if you looked at the pictures of me mentioned above, you will see that I am becoming somewhat of a platinum blond myself. Hence, lately I'm a bit more sensitive myself to humor about those with lighter hair.

As a result, today's jokes are about airheads instead....

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering for airheads where his hostess broached a subject with which the doctor was quite at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask, Doctor?"

"Well, I might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The airhead thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

There are two women getting ready to leave for work. The first one gets in the driver's seat and her airheaded friend gets in the passenger's seat. The drivers says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the airhead, "So, do you see any cops?"

The airhead replies, "Yes." The driver says, "Are they behind us?" "Yes." "Are they close?" "Yes." "Are they going to stop us?" "I don't know." "Well, are their lights on?" "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

A airhead was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the airhead asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the airhead sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular black, two regular with cream, and two decafs with sugar.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so an airheaded woman went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," said the sheriff, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but I guess she's right technically."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the airhead supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The airhead looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for awhile?"

So, the airhead wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The airhead was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

The other day I was in the local auto part store. An airhead came in and asked for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked?

I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick.

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter were looking at it upside down as she wrote it...and they just fell down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward question to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics - something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Uh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

She bobs her airy head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing after I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear....'"

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the airheaded employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The airheaded girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

An airhead named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The following exchange takes place:

Regis: Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left - phone a friend. The next question will give you a million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 - are you ready?

Barbara: Sure, I'll have a go at it.

Regis: Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...
A. Robin
B. Sparrow
C. Cuckoo
D. Thrush.
Remember Barbara it's worth one million dollars.

Barbara: I think I know who it ... but I'm not 100%.... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend, Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn. (ringing)

Carol (also an airhead): Hello...

Regis: Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to a million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Barbara.

Barbara: Carol, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it:
A. Robin
B. Sparrow
C. Cuckoo
D. Thrush

Carol: Oh, Barbara, that's simple! It's a Cuckoo.

Barbara: You think so?

Carol: I'm sure.

Barbara: Thanks, Carol. (hangs up)

Regis: Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the million, Barbara?

Barbara: I want to play, I'll go with C. Cuckoo.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Barbara: It is.

Regis: Are you confident?

Barbara: Yes, fairly, Carol may be an airhead, but she's a real wiz about some things.

Regis: Barbara ... you had $500,000 and you said C. Cuckoo ... you're right! You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.

(clapping)

That night Barbara goes to Carol's to celebrate. Barbara turns to Carol and asks, "Tell me Carol, how in the world did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol: Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful, yet airheaded wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was all excited, she loved her phone. He showed her and explained to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the wife went shopping. Her phone rang and it was her husband. "Hi, Hon!" he said. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replied, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asked the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Airhead's Cook Book

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (Oh, boy... for some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.)

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

A policeman is interrogating three airheads who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first airhead a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first airhead answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well ... uh ... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second airhead and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second airhead giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third airhead and in a very irritated voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

She looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm ... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the airhead replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

For those of you who don't already know, I let my beard grow for the first three weeks of my Christmas break. At the end of that time, I decided to shave it off. Although several people have said they're disappointed that I've shaved off my beard, I've had far more people tell me that I look better or younger without it. Several have outright *thanked* me for shaving it off, saying they're glad they don't have to look at me with the beard and try to overlook it! For those who didn't get to see me with the beard and would like to, at the top of my blog, I've put back the picture of me looking out over the city of Paris. (Psst! ...whisper... For the sake of the gullible, that's not really me up there - unfortunately I didn't get to Paris over the holidays!) I did put pictures of me with my beard in a comment to a recent blog post. You can see them by clicking here. I've chosen as my new motto, "Beautifying America, one shave at a time."

quotation...

"Whenever I think I've arrived, I'm just fooling myself." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

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Today's iv is the next installment of blonde jokes.

Standard DISCLAIMER: Not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde! In fact, not all blondes are blonde....

New inventions by blondes--
- Waterproof towels
- Glow in the dark sunglasses
- Solar powered flashlights
- Submarine screen doors
- A book on how to read
- Inflatable dart boards
- A dictionary index
- Sharpeners for mechanical pencils
- Powdered water
- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
- Waterproof tea bags
- Watermelon seed sorter
- Skinless bananas
- Do-it-yourself road map
- Turnip ice cream
- Rolls Royce pickup truck

There was a blonde driving an old (or shall we say, real) VW and encountered engine problems and had to pull over to the side of the road. She got out, went to the front, and opened the hood. A friend of hers, also a blonde, was passing by and saw her standing over the front of her VW with a puzzled look on her face. So, the friend pulled over, walked up, and said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," said our blonde friend, "My VW quit running, and when I pulled over and opened the hood, I discovered that someone had stolen my engine!"

"Well, isn't this your lucky day!" replied her friend. "I just happen to have a spare in my trunk!"

A restaurant in California installed a magic mirror in the women's restroom. If a woman said something into the mirror and it was the truth, she'd receive one free wish. If it was a lie, she'd be sucked up into the mirror forever.

The first woman to try out the mirror was a redhead. She looked deep into the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." POOF!!! She was sucked up into the mirror.

Then a brunette came in to try out the mirror. After admiring her image for a while, she said, "I think I'm the smartest woman in the world." POOF!!! She was sucked up into the mirror.

Then a blonde came in and after staring into the mirror for what seemed like hours, she said, "I think..." POOF!!!

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in first class, and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.

The blonde says, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class."

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta.

The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class."

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening. The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class.

The captain whispers in her ear, and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin.

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast. He replied, "I told her that first class is not going all the way to Atlanta."

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?!?"

A blonde went into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replied, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry for her, said, "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agreed and allowed the blonde to work as usual. A few hours pass and the boss decided to check on the blonde. He looked out over his office and saw the blonde crying hysterically. "What's the matter? Are you gonna be okay?" he asked."

No!" exclaimed the blonde. "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I received a horrible call from my sister. She said her mom died too!"

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a redheaded woman, and she swims off the island.

The next blonde asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a brunette. The brunette builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

A blonde goes into a beauty parlor. Once the blonde is seated in the beautician's chair, the beautician notices that the blonde is wearing headphones. The beautician starts to remove them so that she can work on the blonde's hair. The blonde reacts almost violently, saying that she can *never* remove the headphones, or she will *die*!

The beautician thinks "Ooookaaay," but she keeps her cool and does what she can, working around the headphones. While the blonde is sitting under the hairdryer, she falls asleep. The beautician thinks, "I just wonder...," and decides to see what would happen if she removed the headphones. She tiptoes over, gently removes the headphones from the sleeping blonde, and is horrified to see the blonde gasp for air and keel over - DEAD!!!

After calling 911 (not being a blonde herself, the beautician is able to do this), overcome with curiosity while awaiting their arrival, the beautician goes back to the blonde to hear what she was listening to on the headphones.

Placing them on her own head, she is amazed to hear, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

quotation...

"It's such a radical world view to want to serve rather than to seek to be served.... It's counter-cultural." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

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Here's the second installment of blonde humor. Today's "iv" is a list of Q & A about blondes and some blond one-liners...

Standard DISCLAIMER: Not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde!

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair another color?
A: Artificial intelligence

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate

Q: What do you call a blonde with a yellow balloon?
A: Twins

Q: Why do blondes like to wear a pony tail?
A: To hide the air valve stem.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell that a fax you've received is from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little packet

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: Look! They spelled MACYS wrong!

Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oooo! Look! Donut seeds!

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear

Q: Why did the blonde not like her new AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side

Q: What do you call a long line of blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?
A: A wind tunnel

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There's Wite-out on the screen.

Q: How do you know that a blonde has been working too long at the computer?
A: There's handwriting over the Wite-Out.

Q: Why does a blonde put TGIF on her shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing ?
A: She was run over by the Zamboni machine.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side ?
A: An interpreter

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes ?
A: A mental block

Q: What's the Blonde's Cheer?
A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-N- ... uh ....

Q: Why does a blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't do it - they keep breaking the bulbs with hammers.

Q: What happened to the blonde coyote?
A: It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.

Q: What goes VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: Her blinker was on.

Q: What do you call the skeleton of a blonde found in a closet?
A: The winner of hide-and-seek

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow-dried her hair and she didn't want it to get messed up too much.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like crazy ... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been confirmed sightings of UFO's.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Like, I dunno!

Q: What did the blonde say as the sod truck passed her?
A: When I'm rich, I'm gonna have my lawn sent out to be mowed too.

Q: How do a blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Lather, rinse, repeat."

Q: What did the blonde do when she wanted a personalized license plate?
A: She changed her name to "ZRF 542".

Q: How do blondes count?
A: 1, 2, 3, another, another, another....

Q: What do you see when you look deep into a blonde's eyes ?
A: The back of her head

Q: What do you call a blonde standing in the middle of the empty room?
A: Central air

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Five - one to make the dough and four to peel the M&M's

Q: Why did the blonde get run over by a compact car?
A: She thought it was a big car far away.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change

Q: What happens when two blondes are walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Quick! Look at that dog with one eye!"?
A:The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart?
A: A grocery cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What happens when a redhead exclaims to a blonde, "Oh, how sad - a dead bird!"
A: The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

Lest we automatically assume upon hearing a blonde joke that the blond is a female....

HE was so blond that...
- he got stabbed in a shoot-out
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- he tried to put his M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sat on the TV and watched the couch
- he tried to drown a fish
- when he got locked in a grocery store, he starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics"
- he tripped over a cordless phone
- he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept
- he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if he spoke his mind, he'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test
- and failed
- he thought Meow Mix was a recording for cats
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead

quotation...

"Grace takes care of the if only's of life." - Dr. Thurmond Wisdom

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Some people wouldn't know an act of kindness if it hit them in the face!

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People have been asking me why I haven't posted any blonde jokes lately. Frankly, I have become more sensitive about blonde jokes now that my hair is becoming increasingly platinum blond. Surely the platinum blond hair must be the explanation for some of my airheadedness lately! It can't be because of my age.... I prefer to think of my "senior moments" as more like "platinum moments," thank you very much! Well, I'm giving in and posting some blonde jokes since I haven't in a long time....

Blondes (justifiably or not) have a reputation of being "airheads" or of not being the sharpest knives in the drawer. And blonde jokes have proliferated! In my files I have a *lot* of blonde jokes - more than anyone would care to read in one blog post. From time to time, I'll post some blonde jokes until I exhaust my resources.

DISCLAIMER: I hasten to add that not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde! If you're blonde, you might want to substitute the words brunette or redhead instead....

I'll start off with a real-life blonde story from my student days. When I was in a dorm student at BJU, we had assigned seats at dinner each night. We would eat supper at that table for several weeks, until the new assignments came out. This was hard in some ways because people who were more shy were in essence forced to get to know people. The upside of it, though, was that we learned to be gracious in a more formal social context with people that we didn't know very well. In fact, there are happily married BJ grads who met at one of their assigned dinner tables.

Back then, blonde jokes weren't in - we told Polack jokes. (In fact many of the old Polack jokes work well as blonde jokes.) At one dinner table where I sat there was a gorgeous blonde girl of Polish descent whose name was Beth. (I've changed her first name and will withhold the last name ... but you just know that it had to end in -ski.) Beth took everyone's Polack jokes fairly good-naturedly (probably since she was blonde and forgot that she was Polish too....) Anyway, one evening she came to dinner and announced, "Okay, everyone, *I* have a Polack joke tonight!"

We were all pretty amazed. Here's the joke she told us. (I promise you...I am *not* making this story up!) Beth asked, "How do you break a Polack's nose?" (Everyone who'd heard the joke before just cringed, knowing that she was messing it up royally.) Someone said, "Okay, Beth, how do you break a Polack's nose?" Her reply, "You hit him in the finger." I thought that they were going to have to carry us all out of the dining common that night after our beautiful, dumb blonde Beth switched the question and the punchline. It was just *too* delicious! And it really did happen to me!

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice, and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in her change. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps sending out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go at it. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning!"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."

A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?".

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "Hello!!! You are on the other side!"

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"

The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."
"Are they close?"
"Yes."
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
"Well, are their lights on?"
"Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

Why can't blondes dial 911?
--They can't find the eleven on the phone!

Did you hear about the blonde who succeeded in reaching 911 to let them know that her house was on fire? After she finished telling about the problem, the dispatcher asked her, "How do we get to your house?"

She replied, "DUH! In your big red truck?!?"

Some states are now requiring that the switch for highbeam headlights be installed as a button on the floor of the car as they used to be. The problem that occasioned this legislation was the large number of accidents being caused by blondes trying to turn on their brights and getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.

(back to newscast)

He jumps.

Blonde: OK. Here's my $20.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same story on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for less than 20 bucks?"

(Finally a "smart blonde" joke, huh?)

quotation...

"The Bible doesn't talk about rights. It talks about responsibility." - John Hutcheson

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

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