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Posts Tagged ‘airplanes’

Kulula – the Seriously Humorous Airline


With students flying all over the place for college in the next couple of weeks, I thought I would post the contents of an e-mail I received recently from a long-time reader. Kulula, a low-cost airline based in South Africa, is a subsidiary of British Airways franchise Comair. Kulula is known not only for its great fares, but also for its sense of humor. It seems that most everyone has taken their humor good naturedly, except maybe a kerfuffle with FIFA about some of Kulula's advertising humor.

Here are ten pictures of the livery of some of their planes. I'll make almost no comments, leaving that up to you.


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Pilot Squawks


picture of aircraft flight log book

Our family members don't fly very often, but when we do, we assume that routine maintenance is being done and that issues reported by the flight crew are attended to right away. The first summer of our married life, I worked for United, cleaning the insides of commercial airplanes at the Detroit Metro Airport. I was surprised to be scolded one evening for attempting to tighten a screw on the back of a passenger seat in the cabin. My co-worker told me that if anyone from the union saw me do that, I would be in deep, dark trouble. I was to report the loose screw instead. Valuable lesson learned, without an official reprimand.

After my wife's recent flights to and from Detroit to see family there, I ran across something in my files that I knew I'd want to share with my readers, especially since so many will be traveling next week at Thanksgiving and then next month for Christmas. Below is an explanation of the title of today's blog post, followed by some squawks and replies.

A "squawk" is a report submitted by a pilot, indicating that a plane has a problem and/or needs maintenance of some sort. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. It sounds as if all the loose screws are not on passenger seats in the cabin. You've gotta love those witty maintenance crew members!

Before getting to the humor, here's an electronic version of a squawk log:

picture of squawk log

Squawk: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
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If Airlines Sold Paint…


picture of paint cans

Last week in a post called The Rules of the Air I listed some laws of air travel, both written and unwritten. Yesterday we drove our daughter Megan and grandson Drew to Atlanta for their flight home. It was bizarre to receive a call from Megan letting us know they were safely back in Detroit while we were still driving back to Greenville!

One of the biggest mysteries of air travel is the pricing of tickets. I have heard that the passengers on any one flight would be shocked to learn what the other passengers had paid to occupy seats in the same section. Thinking about this, I remembered something I sent out by e-mail a number of years ago.

Buying paint from a hardware store...

Customer: Hi! How much is your paint?

Clerk: We have regular quality for $12 a gallon and premium for $18. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: Five gallons of regular quality, please.

Clerk: Great. That will be $60 plus tax.

From an airline...

Customer: Hi! How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir, you see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Saturday night?

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. Thanks for flying – I mean painting – with our airline!

Printed with permission. ©Alan H. Hess, 1998. All rights reserved.

divider

Have you ever compared prices with other passengers or found out what someone else paid to take the same flight with you? I'm sure learning something like that could be a cause for either gloating or pouting.

quotation...

"A powerful person's whole being rests on air, and God is in charge of the airflow." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Heard on an airplane, "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


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Rules of the Air


picture of landing

Do you like airports and flying? Flying is a wonderfully fast way to get from point A to point B, but it can definitely include some frustrations and even some scary moments. The picture on the right is of an airplane approaching the Kai Tak Airport, which was the international airport of Hong Kong until their new airport opened in 1998. My wife and I flew in and out of its replacement, the Hong Kong International Airport, in the summer of 2005. It has been repeatedly voted World's Best Airport, and we agree that it is without a doubt the nicest airport we've ever been in. And we're very glad our plane didn't have to maneuver through buildings as the planes had to to get to the old airport!

Some of the rules in the list below are for passengers and some are for pilots.

Rules of the Air

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

No flight ever leaves on time, unless you are running late and need the delay to make your connecting flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper or when you start to drink your coffee.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just find the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated near you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

Flying isn't dangerous. It's crashing that's dangerous.

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

divider

This post about flying came to mind since our daughter and grandson flew into Atlanta this past Saturday evening and will fly out again next weekend. Since Becka and I were going to Atlanta, two of our "campus sons" Tim and Andy who live near Atlanta arranged a little reunion. We all met at Tim's house that afternoon. It was great to catch up with them and it was hard to believe that they were our campus sons 24 years ago! We are hoping to get together here in Greenville this summer.

Here's a picture of Tim and Alice and their family.

picture of Tim's family

Here's a picture of Andy and Carol and their family.

picture of Andy's family

After a nice visit we headed for the airport to pick up Megan and Drew. Here's a picture Megan took of Drew in the airplane.

picture of Drew reading on the plane

Sunday it was nice to have our daughters Megan and Nora and our son Mark and daughter-in-law Katie and our grandson Drew around the table for lunch. After lunch we had an Easter egg hunt in our front yard. Drew didn't like the prickly grass, and so we had to move the eggs onto the sidewalk. Here he is picking up the eggs.

picture of Drew and Easter eggs

Later in the day he took a tumble off the neighbor boy's tricycle. Here he is with his skinned up face.

picture of Drew scraped up

I'll share more pictures later this week as our adventures (and hopefully no more misadventures!) unfold.

Do any of these rules ring true from your flying experiences? I'm sure some of you could share some great stories of flights and airports!

By the way, if you notice anything missing as you click around on my blog (pictures, video, etc.), could you please let me know through the contact link? One person has written me about one set of pictures in a post, and I really appreciate it. I don't have time to look at all 60 pages, especially this week.

quotation...

"This is God's world, and He has the right to make the rules and ask us to obey." - Dr. Jim Deuink

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.


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The Parachute Paradigm


As I was looking through my files, trying to decide what to post, I ran across something I thought most of my readers will not have seen how two people look at the one remaining parachute.

The Parachute Paradigm

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane, and there's only one parachute. Here's how you would handle the situation if you were a member of one of the following professions or philosophical outlooks...

Pessimist - you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.

Optimist - you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes like this before.

Procrastinator - you play a game of Monopoly - the winner gets the parachute.

Bureaucrat - you order a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer - you agree to handle a lawsuit against the airline for a fee of one parachute.

Doctor - you tell your fellow traveler that you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make it to your next appointment.

Sales executive - you sell the parachute to your fellow traveler at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service - you confiscate the parachute along with your fellow traveler's luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Engineer - you make another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist - you give your fellow traveler the parachute and ask him to send you a report on how well it worked.

Mathematician - you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.

Philosopher - you ask how one can know that the parachute actually exists.

English major - you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Linguist - you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Scientist - you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.

Economist - you plot a demand curve by asking your fellow traveler, at regular intervals, how much he would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalyst - you ask your fellow traveler what the shape of a parachute reminds him of.

Actor - you tie your fellow traveler down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute, before trying to find a stunt man to jump out for you at the last possible moment.

Artist - you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican - as you jump out with the parachute, you tell your fellow traveler to work hard and not expect handouts.

Democrat - you extract a dollar from your fellow traveler to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian - after reminding your fellow traveler of his constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.

Ross Perot - you tell your fellow traveler not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General - you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers - you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

Environmentalist - you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Auto Mechanic - you immediately start to look at the plane engine since, as long as you are looking at it, it works fine.

divider

The Modern Language Department plays went very well Saturday evening. I was particularly proud of my students in the French play. Their hard work was evident, and everyone seemed to enjoy our play. Below is a picture of the cast members and directors of the three plays. Most of those involved with the French play are in the top row.

Here's the cast of the French play. What a fun group!

quotation...

"The gospel is about what God has done. ... The gospel rescues those who know they can't make it." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!


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