The past couple of days have been a special time of bonding between our two cats and me with my wife and daughter gone. Some of their antics made me think of the following list of cat etiquette rules. Cat lovers will be amused as they think of their own little darlings, and cat haters will probably say at least once, “Yep, that’s another reason I don’t like cats!”

Rules of Etiquette for Young, Inexperienced Cats Who Have a Household to Run…

1. DOORS:
A. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. Remember, as a cat, you have the option of changing your mind.

B. Once you have ordered that a door to the outside be opened, stand half-in and half-out and think about several things. (This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season).

C. Avoid swinging doors, unless you can get humans to catch your tail in it by accident.

D. Should you run into a closed sliding glass door, never let on that it was unintentional - go about your business as if “I meant to do that.”

Addendum: If you are an indoor-only cat, use your Cloak of Invisibility until the people forget you’re in the room, then make an insane dash for the outside world the instant the door is opened. Then when your people come after you, do that “dancing just a millimeter out of reach” thing until they’re not sure they even want you back.

2. THROWING UP:
A. If you have to throw up, get onto a chair or the couch quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag carpet is good.

B. When it becomes time to dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time. Carpet or upholstery is always preferable to hard surfaces.

3. GUESTS:
A. After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the dishes, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea to convey is “But you let me do it when there isn’t company!”

B. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening because the guest wouldn’t dare push you off and will even call you “nice kitty.” If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

C. For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. Example: for white-furred cats, a good black wool is best.

D. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

E. For guests who say, “I love kitties,” be ready with aloof disdain. Later you can apply your claws to stockings or give a quick nip to the ankles.

4. PLAYING:
A. If you allow a dog to share your domain, you are in luck. Should you tatter the drapes or destroy anything for which you fear retribution, wait until your owner is near by, slap the dog and run for it. Dogs are stupid and will accept the blame for anything. If this ruse should fail, simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a cat.

B. Chase, frolic, and run from Invincible Entities. The why doesn’t matter - it is just expected.

C. If you ever catch a mouse, take it under the king-sized bed. Go to the center, out of reach of anyone. Wait until the people are asleep, and proceed to eat your catch, enjoying every morsel as loudly as you can.

D. Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later.

E. Hiding is great fun. Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come under any circumstances out for three to four hours. (This is a great time for some extra napping.) This will cause the humans to panic (which they love to do) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and will probably give you a treat.

F. Always sharpen claws on furniture. Ignore those “scratching posts” they get for you, they’re not good for your nails. Curtains and the arms of their easy chairs are also great places to scratch and sharpen your claws. You need to leave your mark on the world. If your humans are ignoring you, this is a great way to get their attention.

5. PERSONAL DIGNITY:
A. It is important to maintain one’s dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say “I MEANT to do that!”

B. Always look innocent when you’ve made a mess. Your humans won’t believe you did it.

C. If you are overweight, arrange yourself in attractive poses, except, of course, when cleaning yourself.

6. FOOD AND EATING:
A. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table. Never drink from your own water bowl if their glass is full enough to drink from.

B. If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is placed into dish, try to cover it with the newspaper under your bowl - sometimes this can even result in your fresh bowl of water being tipped over.

C. Table scraps are delicacies with which humans are unwilling to part readily. It is beneath your dignity to beg for these as do the lower forms of life (dogs), but try jumping onto the lap of the softest human and purr loudly, lie down in the doorway between the kitchen and the dining room, or give the Direct Stare. Other techniques that work are twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively or resting your paws on the human’s leg and mewing to remind them you are starving to death.

7. LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter as possible out of the box. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. Also, refuse to use the litter box unless it’s absolutely clean. If it’s dirty, you can protest by making a little pile right next to the litterbox. That’ll teach ‘em to attend better to their duties!

8. WALKING:
A. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

B. When your owner returns home laden with packages, fall down in front of them - this works best on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding downward. There is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually guarantees a fall and you can milk their guilt that follows. It is usually worth it.

9. HAMPERING ROUTINE ACTIVITIES:
A. If one of them is sewing, or working with paper and pens, and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”.

B. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way you cannot be seen and, therefore, stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and comforted.

C. For readers, get in close under the chin, unless, of course, you can lie across the book, magazine, or newspaper itself. When a humans are holding the newspaper in front of themselves, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to be startled and jump.

D. For someone knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap a knitting needle sharply. This causes what is called a “dropped stitch.” The knitter will try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. What you want to go for, and with a vengeance is the moving strand of yarn. What self-respecting cat would settle for a ball of yarn when s/he can pounce on a moving strand?! Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks, in spite of what the humans may tell you.

E. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in mind the aim: to hamper. First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off of table one at a time.

F. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table - pens, pencils, stamps - one at a time.

G. When people are using computers, be alert! Do not let typing occur without your attention. By sitting on the lap of the person at the keyboard, you can place elbows on the top, making it convenient to play with the keys. If there is paper on the desk or table, biting any piece of paper is in order, or better yet, sit on whatever the person is trying to look at while typing. Always walk on the keyboard.

10. BEDTIME AND SLEEP:
A. Always sleep on the humans at night so they cannot move around. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing catch-mouse or king-of-the-hill on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.

B. In the morning, when you want breakfast, lick the sleeping human on the face, or on an exposed foot (it is best to do this to the female, as the male tends to become violent).

FINAL NOTE: Start this training early, and you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need only to know a few basic rules which they can be taught readily if one starts in time!

***
Becka and Nora arrived back home safe and sound at about 6 last evening. They said the traffic wasn’t all that bad, having been fearful that it would be otherwise on Memorial Day. They had a very nice time up there visiting with Jim, Meg, and Drew. Here are a few pictures from this last visit….

Grandma and Drew, who is now sporting some newborn-sized clothes…

Drew looking at his mom at bath time…

Drew practicing his smiling while sleeping…

Megan did not end up having to have surgery last week, for which we are thankful. She and Drew are both doing very well. Our heartfelt thanks to those who ask about them and pray for them.

quotation…

“Isn’t it amazing that God uses words to change us?” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

A dog will come when you call, but a cat will take a message and never get back to you.

I was going through some email that had accumulated in my inbox and ran across a joke that just cracked me up. I decided to make it today’s blog post.

As a woman was walking down the street to work, she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

Well, the woman was really ticked at that! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home that afternoon, she saw the same parrot and it said to her again, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was now incredibly angry. And the next day the parrot yet again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The woman was so furious that she stomped into the store and said that she wanted to sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say that to her again.

When the woman walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called out to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said,”Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

Fox has a program called “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” The questions some people miss are amazing! Yesterday a friend forwarded a link to an online quiz with some questions to test yourself. Three people in our house took the quiz yesterday, our scores ranged from 94% to 73%. To try it yourself and possibly have your intelligence insulted, click here.

For those who like to know what we’ve been up to…. We are back in Greenville again after a very enjoyable week with Jim, Megan, and Drew. It was a nice combination of activity and relaxation, and it was especially nice to be able to watch and hold our grandson Drew daily. He had a good check up on Friday and he was only a little the worse for the various vaccinations. Becka got to see all our children and our grandchild on Mother’s Day, and I even got to see my mom for a couple of minutes when we dropped by to see her on our way through Ohio.

Our drive back was almost blissful compared to our drive up the previous weekend. I was reminded, though, of several likes and dislikes of car travel - I love the nice stretches of road that lie between road construction sites, I hate little cement walls right beside my car door with a semi right beside the passenger door, I love left lanes where semis are not allowed to roll, and I have a hard time loving lawless drivers.

We are really enjoying our new laptop computer and fast internet. We finally opted for DSL since Mainstreet Wimax wouldn’t work from our house. Thanks to all who wrote with suggestions and advice when we were making our decision about a new ISP.

quotation…

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” - Winston Churchill (who gave some classic insults)

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Rob

the sig line is from another master of insults… “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx

The Easter services at church yesterday were such a blessing! Our attention was powerfully drawn to the empty tomb and our risen Lord through the wonderful music and the clear Scriptural message.

We had lunch with Nora and Aron and dinner with Mark and Katie. For dessert we enjoyed one of our Easter traditions - a bunny cake. I’m going to put a picture below of the cake Becka made, decorated with coconut, red licorice, and chocolate chips.

When Mark and Katie went to visit Jim, Megan, and Drew, the rest of us sent some things along. One of the items sent was a stuffed Peep - a cute toy version of those nasty marshmallow Easter candies. (My feeble apologies to those of you who actually *like* them.) Here’s a picture of one exactly like the one Nora sent…

Megan sent us a picture of Drew with the Peep Nora sent him…

This gives you an idea of how tiny he still is!

Here’s another picture of him sleeping. Grandma and I miss him horribly!

In honor of our thirtieth anniversary today, I’m posting two stories about two couples who, unfortunately, were not as blissfully wed as we.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow often. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.

“And what about the men?” the minister asked. “They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

***
A woman was leaving a coffee shop with her morning coffee when she noticed most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 meters behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file.

The woman couldn’t contain her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I’m sorry for your loss and I know it is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Who’s funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well the first hearse is for my husband.”

“What happened to him?”

The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Then who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her also.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

“Could I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line,” the woman replied.

quotation…

“Eyewitnesses of the living Lord preached the gospel.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

My dog can lick anyone.

We received a few new pictures of Drew last evening. Since some of you have been clamoring for more recent pictures, here are several…

Earlier I posted a picture of a trial run on the carseat when Drew was still in the NICU. Below is a picture of him when he was in the carseat to go home…

Drew meets the family terrier, Pudge…

Here’s a picture of Drew in one of his preemie outfits, eyes wide open…

Last fall we redid the beds by our front porch, pulling up 10 big, ugly Boxwood globes and putting in more colorful and varied bushes and plants. Here’s a shot of some of the plants “waking up” this spring…

Here’s a close up of several of the Sapphire Beauty Dutch irises in the picture above…

Back at you soon…

Rob

During much of my adult life I enjoyed reading and hearing about politics. I’ve always voted since first becoming old enough to do so. Yet as important as this aspect of responsible citizenship is, I’ve known all along that politicians are not the answer to the problems of society. In recent years the political scene, especially on the national level, has left me increasingly disenchanted.

I usually stay away from political things in my iv’s because it’s a realm of life where people hold very strong personal views, and ivman.com is about a break from stress and tension rather than being another cause of stress and tension.

However, several things lately have me more sick-to-death than ever of most things political! Is anyone else out there sick of the politicizing of this war, with little or no regard for what’s best for our country or our military personnel in harm’s way?! It seems that for some, power and advancement of an agenda far outweigh what is right and prudent! Also, is anyone else out there already sick of the 2008 presidential campaign?! Give us a break already!!! Starting the whole thing up over a year before the first primary! Good grief! I keep hoping that everyone will be so sick of all the candidates with hats currently in the ring that by the time the primaries actually roll around, these candidates will be off the scene and the voters will finally be presented with some real candidates worth voting for!!!

Because of my frustration, I’d like to poke fun at it all - and then some! I think enough “sacred cows” are lampooned in today’s iv that everyone should be amused through most of it.

Anyway, off those soapboxes and on to the iv….

TWO COWS - A Bovine Guide to Political, Corporate, and Societal Theory

Here are some philosophical insights based on COWS, with no hoof left un-stepped-on…

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”. Or if you already have two cows, the government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

REPUBLICANS: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

DEMOCRATS: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow, and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

LIBERTARIANS: You have two cows. You let them do what they want. You tell everyone else to go away. What you do with *your* cows is no one else’s business!

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a small portion of cow.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

***
some corporate and personal philosophies…

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead and hire a consultant to analyze why.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you’re not sure where they are. You’ll look for them tomorrow.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have two cows. Somebody else has 5,000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge them for storing their 5000 cows with yours.

***
some off-center societal movements…

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them and fines you for the methane gas they emit.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. You don’t need a bull - just adopt a calf.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married, and your spouse milks them.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender….

POP CULTURE: Whoa, dude, there’s, like…these two cows, man. You gotta have some of this milk, ya know?

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

***
All is well here at our house. The weeks between Bible Conference and graduation always fly by, and this first week has been no exception to that! Megan and Drew are doing well, but since he’s not been sleeping well during the night, he has two tired parents. Mark and Katie are going up to see them all this weekend. Grandma and I wish we could be stowaways….

This coming week is the annual Living Gallery on campus. We are looking forward to seeing the presentation which has become a part of our Easter celebration here.

quotation…

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” - Ronald Reagan

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Rob

Sacred cows often make the best hamburgers!