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Posts Tagged ‘blondes’

The Blind Cowboy and the Number 5


It has been a long, long time since I have published a blonde joke, but this one came my way recently and I just have to share it! I would change "blonde" to "airhead" in the joke since not all blondes are airheads and not all airheads are blonde, but it just wouldn't work so well in this particular joke. You'll see why as you read it.

So without further ado, I will proceed to the joke.

Smoothies

An old, blind cowboy wanders into a smoothie bar one day, mistakenly thinking he has gone into another kind of bar. He doesn't know it, but he's a little out of place as the only male in the whole bar. He finds his way to a stool at the counter. Before trying to order something, he yells to the smoothie barista, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

Everyone in the place immediately goes totally silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman on the stool to his left says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you're blind and all, that you should know five things:"

1. The barista is a blonde girl who keeps a baseball bat behind the bar.

2. The manager over there is a blonde woman who used to be a roller derby queen.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Next week's post will be another set of pictures that help demonstrate why women live longer than men.

quotation...

"There is no such thing as privacy when it comes to God." — Drew Conley

=^..^=
Rob

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing!


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Is It All Geek to You?


picture of WiFi sign

Do you have a computer geek in your life? Many of my readers know that my summers are spent working at IT Service Desk on campus, "improving life ... one computer at a time." (my motto, not theirs) This Friday ends my summer at IT and that is bittersweet — I really enjoy my work as a tech helping people, but I'm also eager to get back in the classroom.

Even though I like to express my inner geek, I have to admit that there are many aspects of computers that I don't understand and I'm not as geeky as some. To test your level of geekdom (if that's not a word, it should be), see how much of the humor in today's iv is funny to you.

You've heard it said that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well, I must admit that I am a digital packrat. (Attribution for the cartoon, unknown at the time of publication, is in the comments section.)

picture of computer cartoon

And you are the beneficiaries of my digital packrattiness ... Exhibit A: today's post. 🙂

When people ask me questions about Microsoft Word, I can honestly plead ignorance. I avoid using that program like the plague — it drives me crazy! So when I find humor poking fun at Word, I automatically love it.
Click here to continue reading this post ⇒


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Are You A-mazed?


picture of a maze with scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz

Have you ever gone through a corn maze? I don't remember hearing much about them until the last couple of years ... and this year especially. The Pumpkin Patch we went to several weeks ago while in Cincinnati for the weekend had a 7-acre corn maze that looks like the United States from an aerial view. Though the visitors could go through it that day, we didn't since there were other activities that we thought we'd rather do.

I take it that farmers have begun to do corn mazes for some off-season tourist business in the fall. Our daughter Nora went to a huge corn maze here locally this past week with friends and said it was really fun and scary. I decided to see what I could learn about corn mazes (or "maize mazes") online and was surprised to find all kinds of pictures and sites. If you'd like to learn more about corn mazes, you can go to http://www.cornfieldmaze.com or to http://www.brownielocks.com/cornmaze.html. You can even try to locate a corn maze near you by going to http://www.cornmazedir.com

Here's a picture of a neat patriotic corn maze...

picture of a patriotic corn maze

Yesterday a student sent me a picture of a corn maze tailor made for one group of visitors....

picture of a special corn maze

On this day after the elections here in the USA, I am thankful that the Lord does not have us going though life as if we were in a maze. He knows exactly what He's doing, and He has most definitely not lost control as everything moves towards His ultimate prophesied end. I've had a song going through my head all day and was so pleased that we sang it in church this evening - not once, but twice! It's a great reminder of the Biblical perspective on things. Here are the lyrics...

There Is a Higher Throne
Words and Music by Keith & Kristyn Getty
Copyright © 2003 Thankyou Music

There is a higher throne
Than all this world has known,
Where faithful ones from ev'ry tongue
Will one day come.
Before the Son we'll stand,
Made faultless through the Lamb;
Believing hearts find promised grace -
Salvation comes.

REFRAIN
Hear heaven's voices sing;
Their thund'rous anthem rings
Through em'rald courts and sapphire skies.
Their praises rise.
All glory, wisdom, pow'r,
Strength, thanks, and honor are
To God our King, who reigns on high
Forevermore.

And there we'll find our home,
Our life before the throne;
We'll honor Him in perfect song
Where we belong.
He'll wipe each tear-stained eye
As thirst and hunger die.
The Lamb becomes our Shepherd King;
We'll reign with Him.

REFRAIN
Hear heaven's voices sing;
Their thund'rous anthem rings
Through em'rald courts and sapphire skies.
Their praises rise.
All glory, wisdom, pow'r,
Strength, thanks, and honor are
To God our King, who reigns on high
Forevermore.

You can read a great article for believers after the election by clicking here.

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There were some good punchlines for the most recent blog post.

I hope that some of my readers have gone through a corn maze or maybe some have even constructed one. Please comment away about that or anything else in this post.

quotation...

"Problems in society are just a symptom of the core problem - man's estrangement from God." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Opportunities are not lost - they just go to someone else.


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Airhead Jokes


picture of bullet hole

(Phew! I just dodged another bullet!) Several months back I posted some blonde jokes. A blonde friend asked me to please cool it for a while with the blonde jokes! Figuring there might be others who felt the same way and just hadn't expressed their sentiments to me, I honored her plea. Please, don't shoot me! Actually, if you looked at the pictures of me mentioned above, you will see that I am becoming somewhat of a platinum blond myself. Hence, lately I'm a bit more sensitive myself to humor about those with lighter hair.

As a result, today's jokes are about airheads instead....

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering for airheads where his hostess broached a subject with which the doctor was quite at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask, Doctor?"

"Well, I might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The airhead thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

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There are two women getting ready to leave for work. The first one gets in the driver's seat and her airheaded friend gets in the passenger's seat. The drivers says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the airhead, "So, do you see any cops?"

The airhead replies, "Yes." The driver says, "Are they behind us?" "Yes." "Are they close?" "Yes." "Are they going to stop us?" "I don't know." "Well, are their lights on?" "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

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A airhead was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the airhead asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the airhead sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular black, two regular with cream, and two decafs with sugar.

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picture of bullet hole
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so an airheaded woman went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," said the sheriff, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but I guess she's right technically."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the airhead supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The airhead looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for awhile?"

So, the airhead wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The airhead was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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The other day I was in the local auto part store. An airhead came in and asked for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked?

I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick.

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter were looking at it upside down as she wrote it...and they just fell down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

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An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward question to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics - something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Uh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

She bobs her airy head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing after I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear....'"

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Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the airheaded employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The airheaded girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

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An airhead named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The following exchange takes place:

Regis: Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left - phone a friend. The next question will give you a million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 - are you ready?

Barbara: Sure, I'll have a go at it.

Regis: Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...
A. Robin
B. Sparrow
C. Cuckoo
D. Thrush.
Remember Barbara it's worth one million dollars.

Barbara: I think I know who it ... but I'm not 100%.... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend, Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn. (ringing)

Carol (also an airhead): Hello...

Regis: Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to a million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Barbara.

Barbara: Carol, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it:
A. Robin
B. Sparrow
C. Cuckoo
D. Thrush

Carol: Oh, Barbara, that's simple! It's a Cuckoo.

Barbara: You think so?

Carol: I'm sure.

Barbara: Thanks, Carol. (hangs up)

Regis: Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the million, Barbara?

Barbara: I want to play, I'll go with C. Cuckoo.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Barbara: It is.

Regis: Are you confident?

Barbara: Yes, fairly, Carol may be an airhead, but she's a real wiz about some things.

Regis: Barbara ... you had $500,000 and you said C. Cuckoo ... you're right! You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.

(clapping)

That night Barbara goes to Carol's to celebrate. Barbara turns to Carol and asks, "Tell me Carol, how in the world did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol: Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful, yet airheaded wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was all excited, she loved her phone. He showed her and explained to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the wife went shopping. Her phone rang and it was her husband. "Hi, Hon!" he said. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replied, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asked the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

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Airhead's Cook Book

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (Oh, boy... for some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.)

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

A policeman is interrogating three airheads who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first airhead a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first airhead answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well ... uh ... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second airhead and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second airhead giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third airhead and in a very irritated voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

She looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm ... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the airhead replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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For those of you who don't already know, I let my beard grow for the first three weeks of my Christmas break. At the end of that time, I decided to shave it off. Although several people have said they're disappointed that I've shaved off my beard, I've had far more people tell me that I look better or younger without it. Several have outright *thanked* me for shaving it off, saying they're glad they don't have to look at me with the beard and try to overlook it! For those who didn't get to see me with the beard and would like to, at the top of my blog, I've put back the picture of me looking out over the city of Paris. (Psst! ...whisper... For the sake of the gullible, that's not really me up there - unfortunately I didn't get to Paris over the holidays!) I did put pictures of me with my beard in a comment to a recent blog post. You can see them by clicking here. I've chosen as my new motto, "Beautifying America, one shave at a time."

quotation...

"Whenever I think I've arrived, I'm just fooling myself." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


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More Blonde Jokes


Today's iv is the next installment of blonde jokes.

Standard DISCLAIMER: Not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde! In fact, not all blondes are blonde....

New inventions by blondes--
- Waterproof towels
- Glow in the dark sunglasses
- Solar powered flashlights
- Submarine screen doors
- A book on how to read
- Inflatable dart boards
- A dictionary index
- Sharpeners for mechanical pencils
- Powdered water
- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
- Waterproof tea bags
- Watermelon seed sorter
- Skinless bananas
- Do-it-yourself road map
- Turnip ice cream
- Rolls Royce pickup truck

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There was a blonde driving an old (or shall we say, real) VW and encountered engine problems and had to pull over to the side of the road. She got out, went to the front, and opened the hood. A friend of hers, also a blonde, was passing by and saw her standing over the front of her VW with a puzzled look on her face. So, the friend pulled over, walked up, and said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," said our blonde friend, "My VW quit running, and when I pulled over and opened the hood, I discovered that someone had stolen my engine!"

"Well, isn't this your lucky day!" replied her friend. "I just happen to have a spare in my trunk!"

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A restaurant in California installed a magic mirror in the women's restroom. If a woman said something into the mirror and it was the truth, she'd receive one free wish. If it was a lie, she'd be sucked up into the mirror forever.

The first woman to try out the mirror was a redhead. She looked deep into the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." POOF!!! She was sucked up into the mirror.

Then a brunette came in to try out the mirror. After admiring her image for a while, she said, "I think I'm the smartest woman in the world." POOF!!! She was sucked up into the mirror.

Then a blonde came in and after staring into the mirror for what seemed like hours, she said, "I think..." POOF!!!

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A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in first class, and the stewardess asks her for her ticket. The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket.

The blonde says, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class."

The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta.

The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class."

Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening. The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class.

The captain whispers in her ear, and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin.

The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast. He replied, "I told her that first class is not going all the way to Atlanta."

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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?!?"

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A blonde went into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replied, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry for her, said, "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agreed and allowed the blonde to work as usual. A few hours pass and the boss decided to check on the blonde. He looked out over his office and saw the blonde crying hysterically. "What's the matter? Are you gonna be okay?" he asked."

No!" exclaimed the blonde. "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse, I received a horrible call from my sister. She said her mom died too!"

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There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a redheaded woman, and she swims off the island.

The next blonde asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a brunette. The brunette builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

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Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

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A blonde goes into a beauty parlor. Once the blonde is seated in the beautician's chair, the beautician notices that the blonde is wearing headphones. The beautician starts to remove them so that she can work on the blonde's hair. The blonde reacts almost violently, saying that she can *never* remove the headphones, or she will *die*!

The beautician thinks "Ooookaaay," but she keeps her cool and does what she can, working around the headphones. While the blonde is sitting under the hairdryer, she falls asleep. The beautician thinks, "I just wonder...," and decides to see what would happen if she removed the headphones. She tiptoes over, gently removes the headphones from the sleeping blonde, and is horrified to see the blonde gasp for air and keel over - DEAD!!!

After calling 911 (not being a blonde herself, the beautician is able to do this), overcome with curiosity while awaiting their arrival, the beautician goes back to the blonde to hear what she was listening to on the headphones.

Placing them on her own head, she is amazed to hear, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."

quotation...

"It's such a radical world view to want to serve rather than to seek to be served.... It's counter-cultural." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.


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