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Posts Tagged ‘blondes’

Blonde One- and Two-Liners


Here's the second installment of blonde humor. Today's "iv" is a list of Q & A about blondes and some blond one-liners...

Standard DISCLAIMER: Not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde!

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair another color?
A: Artificial intelligence

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate

Q: What do you call a blonde with a yellow balloon?
A: Twins

Q: Why do blondes like to wear a pony tail?
A: To hide the air valve stem.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday

Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q: How can you tell that a fax you've received is from a blonde?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop

Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little packet

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: Look! They spelled MACYS wrong!

Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oooo! Look! Donut seeds!

Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear

Q: Why did the blonde not like her new AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side

Q: What do you call a long line of blondes standing shoulder to shoulder?
A: A wind tunnel

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There's Wite-out on the screen.

Q: How do you know that a blonde has been working too long at the computer?
A: There's handwriting over the Wite-Out.

Q: Why does a blonde put TGIF on her shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing ?
A: She was run over by the Zamboni machine.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side ?
A: An interpreter

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes ?
A: A mental block

Q: What's the Blonde's Cheer?
A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-N- ... uh ....

Q: Why does a blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't do it - they keep breaking the bulbs with hammers.

Q: What happened to the blonde coyote?
A: It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs, and was still stuck.

Q: What goes VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH... VROOM... SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: Her blinker was on.

Q: What do you call the skeleton of a blonde found in a closet?
A: The winner of hide-and-seek

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow-dried her hair and she didn't want it to get messed up too much.

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like crazy ... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been confirmed sightings of UFO's.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Like, I dunno!

Q: What did the blonde say as the sod truck passed her?
A: When I'm rich, I'm gonna have my lawn sent out to be mowed too.

Q: How do a blonde's brain cells die?
A: Alone

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Lather, rinse, repeat."

Q: What did the blonde do when she wanted a personalized license plate?
A: She changed her name to "ZRF 542".

Q: How do blondes count?
A: 1, 2, 3, another, another, another....

Q: What do you see when you look deep into a blonde's eyes ?
A: The back of her head

Q: What do you call a blonde standing in the middle of the empty room?
A: Central air

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A: Five - one to make the dough and four to peel the M&M's

Q: Why did the blonde get run over by a compact car?
A: She thought it was a big car far away.

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change

Q: What happens when two blondes are walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Quick! Look at that dog with one eye!"?
A:The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart?
A: A grocery cart has a mind of its own.

Q: What happens when a redhead exclaims to a blonde, "Oh, how sad - a dead bird!"
A: The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

divider

Lest we automatically assume upon hearing a blonde joke that the blond is a female....

HE was so blond that...
- he got stabbed in a shoot-out
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- he tried to put his M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sat on the TV and watched the couch
- he tried to drown a fish
- when he got locked in a grocery store, he starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third grade
- under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics"
- he tripped over a cordless phone
- he took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept
- he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if he spoke his mind, he'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test
- and failed
- he thought Meow Mix was a recording for cats
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead

quotation...

"Grace takes care of the if only's of life." - Dr. Thurmond Wisdom

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Some people wouldn't know an act of kindness if it hit them in the face!


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Blonde Jokes


People have been asking me why I haven't posted any blonde jokes lately. Frankly, I have become more sensitive about blonde jokes now that my hair is becoming increasingly platinum blond. Surely the platinum blond hair must be the explanation for some of my airheadedness lately! It can't be because of my age.... I prefer to think of my "senior moments" as more like "platinum moments," thank you very much! 🙂 Well, I'm giving in and posting some blonde jokes since I haven't in a long time....

Blondes (justifiably or not) have a reputation of being "airheads" or of not being the sharpest knives in the drawer. And blonde jokes have proliferated! In my files I have a *lot* of blonde jokes - more than anyone would care to read in one blog post. From time to time, I'll post some blonde jokes until I exhaust my resources.

DISCLAIMER: I hasten to add that not all blondes are airheads, and not all airheads are blonde! If you're blonde, you might want to substitute the words brunette or redhead instead....

I'll start off with a real-life blonde story from my student days. When I was in a dorm student at BJU, we had assigned seats at dinner each night. We would eat supper at that table for several weeks, until the new assignments came out. This was hard in some ways because people who were more shy were in essence forced to get to know people. The upside of it, though, was that we learned to be gracious in a more formal social context with people that we didn't know very well. In fact, there are happily married BJ grads who met at one of their assigned dinner tables.

Back then, blonde jokes weren't in - we told Polack jokes. (In fact many of the old Polack jokes work well as blonde jokes.) At one dinner table where I sat there was a gorgeous blonde girl of Polish descent whose name was Beth. (I've changed her first name and will withhold the last name ... but you just know that it had to end in -ski.) Beth took everyone's Polack jokes fairly good-naturedly (probably since she was blonde and forgot that she was Polish too....) Anyway, one evening she came to dinner and announced, "Okay, everyone, *I* have a Polack joke tonight!"

We were all pretty amazed. Here's the joke she told us. (I promise you...I am *not* making this story up!) Beth asked, "How do you break a Polack's nose?" (Everyone who'd heard the joke before just cringed, knowing that she was messing it up royally.) Someone said, "Okay, Beth, how do you break a Polack's nose?" Her reply, "You hit him in the finger." I thought that they were going to have to carry us all out of the dining common that night after our beautiful, dumb blonde Beth switched the question and the punchline. It was just *too* delicious! And it really did happen to me! 🙂

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice, and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

divider

A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in her change. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps sending out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go at it. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning!"

divider

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.

The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks."

They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

divider

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down."

divider

A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?".

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "Hello!!! You are on the other side!"

divider

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

divider

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat. The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you see any cops?"

The blonde replies, "Yes."
The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"
"Yes."
"Are they close?"
"Yes."
"Are they going to stop us?"
"I don't know."
"Well, are their lights on?"
"Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

divider

Why can't blondes dial 911?
--They can't find the eleven on the phone!

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Did you hear about the blonde who succeeded in reaching 911 to let them know that her house was on fire? After she finished telling about the problem, the dispatcher asked her, "How do we get to your house?"

She replied, "DUH! In your big red truck?!?"

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Some states are now requiring that the switch for highbeam headlights be installed as a button on the floor of the car as they used to be. The problem that occasioned this legislation was the large number of accidents being caused by blondes trying to turn on their brights and getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.

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A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station cuts to a commercial.

Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK.

(back to newscast)

He jumps.

Blonde: OK. Here's my $20.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same story on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump twice.

divider

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

divider

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for less than 20 bucks?"

(Finally a "smart blonde" joke, huh?) 🙂

quotation...

"The Bible doesn't talk about rights. It talks about responsibility." - John Hutcheson

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.


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TAG!


This week and next there's a fun diversion on campus - the TAG game. I signed up and looked forward to evading my pursuer and stalking my target(s), but alas, I was tagged at 7:42 on Monday morning before I could even get into the building where my office is. The guy who tagged me was himself tagged later that day. My first target still hadn't been tagged as of noon yesterday. It's been hilarious to hear all the stories as the game unfolds. A dear friend and colleague who was tagged after being chased through some bushes behind our building said, "It was great! I felt like an 11 year old again!" You can read more about this by looking at the Collegian, the school newspaper.

All this talk about TAG this week has made me think about tags of all sorts, including license tags, particularly vanity plates. Vanity plates add some humor and a mental challenge on the otherwise dreary commute to work or school.

Some license tags don't say a whole lot, but they're still kind of cute, like:
IMJSTME
SMPLYME
JUZ4FUN
WHATZAT

Place names and school affiliations are prominent on the list:
4IRELND
TRU2TX
JRZYGRL
GA ALUM
TN FAN
IM4USCS
GOTIGRS
BA HABA
MAINA
(Being a Yankee would help to understand the last two!)

Some plates aren't too hard to figure out and give a hint about the driver's personality or interests:
REDBURD
LYBRARY
LEAPFROG
HDHUNTR
BLKTIE
DOBERMN
LUV2SKI
NO BURN (in Florida)
I4MUSIC
Y2KGRAD
GOLF
WILDH2O
SEASHOR
TIGGER2
HIHO AG (a chemist who is a Lone Ranger fan?)
POOH
GIRLPWR
NEVERL8
L8AGAN
IFIXBAX - I fix backs (seen on chiropractor's car)
ALLEZ (French for GO!)
VIII FE (think *golf* ... "8 iron")
CIA L8R ("See ya later")
IAMBMW (on a Toyota Celica)
MTR-TRND - on a 2006 Honda Civic (was Motor Trend's car of the year)
GIDDYUP - on a Mustang

Others give a hint about how the driver acquired the car:
DEBTOR
2SWEETPI
THNXDAD

Part of the fun is trying to figure out what the combination of letters and numbers means and why the driver chose them. See if you can figure out the following (answers follow).

ICNCYDU
CYIMBRK
OH2B39
YURNEXT
1DFOAL
2PCME
2QT4U
4ZNUF
9MPGWOW
NOMODO
IW84NO1
PP DR
W8N4FRI
XKWIZIT
ZMEGOBYU
CME4DK
KPASAMD

Here are the answers...

ICNCYDU - I see inside you - a radiologist's plate
CYIMBRK - See why I'm broke - found on a 95 Ford 3/4 ton truck
OH2B39 - On the car of a woman in her early 50s
YURNEXT - On the car of an undertaker
1DFOAL - Wonderful, on a Ford Mustang. (Foal, as in baby horse)
2PCME - To pee, see me! (a urologist's plate)
2QT4U - Too cute for you - the driver was a beautiful woman
4ZNUF - Four children is enough
9MPGWOW - 9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! - on a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille
NOMODO - No More Dough - on a veerrrry expensive car
IW84NO1 - I wait for no one
PP DR - A urologist in the Detroit area
W8N4FRI - Waitin' for Friday ... join the club!
XKWIZIT - Exquisite - on a '56 speedster
ZMEGOBYU - See me go by you!
CME4DK - See me for decay, on a dentist's car
KPASAMD - Que Pasa MD - What's up doc?

Of course this is just a drop in the very large bucket of creative vanity plates out there. I'm sure you readers could post some of your own that you've seen. Below is a picture of one sent to me a while back.

*so* blond!

quotation...

"The Lord doesn't just tell us what to do. He also gives us the reason." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.


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