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Posts Tagged ‘bloopers’

Résumé Mucho, Take 2!


Curriculum vitae

Seven and a half years ago I did a post called Résumé Mucho. I know some people currently looking for work who might be advised to avoid some of the statements made in that post or today's. First off, you probably don't want to prepare it on a typewriter as shown in the picture on the right.

Part of today's job search is an eye-catching résumé (or C.V. — curriculum vitae in more modern parlance). A poorly written C.V. can ruin a person's chances of landing that desired position. Below you'll see some examples of statements that are not résumé enhancers! You will have to read some of them fairly closely to catch the faux pas — unfortunate wordings, definitely "oops!" admissions, misspellings, etc. The following is a list of some bloopers that have supposedly appeared on actual job candidates' résumés, job applications, and cover letters:

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
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Thomas Jefferson and Amphibolies


picture of amphiboly sign

Some things do not seem to go together. Or if they are put together, the result is humorous, as in the case of the signs on the right. With the beginning of the 112th Congress, there is much anticipation of what our Congress critters will try to accomplish. As I contemplated what to post today and found a list of quotations of Thomas Jefferson in my files, I wondered what he would think of what our nation has become and is becoming. As I looked at the wisdom of Jefferson and knowing his close ties to the other founding fathers of our nation, I did a little looking around online and found a final quotation that was quite interesting. On to the quotations....

John Kennedy said in his address at a dinner for Nobel Prize Winners of the Western Hemisphere on April 29, 1962, "I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."

The quotations of Thomas Jefferson below could prove his point.

"A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned — this is the sum of good government."

"When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe."

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."

"It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world."

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."

"My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government."

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms."

"The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."
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Newspaper Bloopers


picture of news crier

As newspaper subscriptions decline and as newspapers either lay off workers or publish only online, we will be losing a great source of humor. Some writers for our local newspaper seem to take great delight in writing headlines that are puns. It's more fun, though, when bloopers appear. Online news can have its comedic moments too, like earlier this week when the Boston Globe had a Chicago-Tribune-type "Dewey Defeats Truman" blooper when they posted an election map Tuesday evening declaring Coakley the winner over Brown — before the polls had even closed in Massachusetts! Oops!

The humor in many of today's clippings is the statement of the obvious — not exactly breaking news. Here are some bloopers from newspapers and some corrections they've published later.

picture of newspaper blooper

picture of newspaper blooper

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Church Bulletin Bloopers


picture of oops

Have you noticed that nothing jogs the memory like hitting the Send button on an e-mail? You think, "Too late! I meant to say this, attach that, etc." With things in print, nothing makes a typo or poor wording stick out quite like publication. In my summers as a proofreader at the university press, I saw errors in published materials stand out as if in neon lights, after many of us had read and reread them before publication, completely missing those errors.

Today's "instant vacation" is a list of unfortunate errors in church bulletins. My heart goes out to the poor church secretaries who had these bloopers pointed out to them.

WARNING: Do not read further unless you are free to laugh out loud! 😀

In our church the music pastor works diligently to select music that goes with the Bible text and the subject of our pastor's message. As you'll see below, more churches need to consider doing the same.

The sermon this morning: WOMEN IN THE CHURCH
The closing song: RISE UP, O MEN OF GOD

The sermon this morning: GOSSIP ... THE SPEAKING OF EVIL
The closing song: I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY

The sermon this morning: CONTEMPORARY ISSUES #3 ... EUTHANASIA
The closing song: TAKE MY LIFE

I noticed in the bulletin of one church I visited that two of the songs listed for the service, one right after the other, were "Stand By Me" and "Nothing Between." It was hard not to chuckle during that service.

Now on to some general bloopers....

A worm welcome to all who have come today.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

A cookbook is being compiled by the ladies of the church. Please submit your favorite recipe, along with a brief antidote.

The senior pastor will be away for two weeks. The staff members during his absence you will find pinned to the church notice board.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the costs of redecorating the sanctuary. Anyone wanting to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

ANOINTING OF THE SICK ... If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.

Usher will eat latecomers.

This evening's service will be a Sinspiration.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Bilingual Chicken Dinner this Sunday at noon.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

The maintenance of the church graveyard is becoming increasingly costly. It would be a great help if parishioners would do their best to tend their own graves.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement noon Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

(a most unfortunate blooper during the pastor's ilness:)
GOD IS GOOD! Dr. Hargreaves is better!

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."

Missionary from Africa, Bertha Belch, speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Volunteers are needed to spit up food for distribution following the Restaurant Supply Show at the Expo Center.

If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.

Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peach to men.

The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.

Don't forget that elections for Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess will be held at next month's business meeting.

We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

Child care provided with reservations.

Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man.

Tonight, Pastor will preach on "Diving Healing."

Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.

If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

Mark your calendars not to attend the church retreat.

Please come ... you will be gald you did.

The Honeymooners are now having Bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.

The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

We are always happy to have you sue our facility.

I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.

Palm Sunday: Our regular service will be gin at 11:00 a.m.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.

Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms Who Care this week."

When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.

divider

Some other church bulletin bloopers not in this list are in an earlier blog post called Bloopers. If you have any bulletin bloopers you've seen, please add them to the comments.

quotation...

"Sin mars, but Christ restores." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate repetitive and superfluous redundancy again and again!


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Biblical Headlines


Is there a liberal bias in today's mainstream media (MSM) in America? I have firmly believed for a long time that our nation's mainstream media is slanted to the left, but in recent months their liberal bias is undeniable by any honest person.

If there had been TV news and newspapers in Bible times, one would need very little imagination to come up with what would have been some of their headlines if they'd been written by the likes of today's MSM with their propensity for distortion, spin, and sensationalistic hype, using emotionally-charged words.

If Biblical headlines were written by today's liberal media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
Faith Healer Preys on Terminally Ill

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Pigs

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Heirs Upset as Reading of Will Delayed

(from another news outlet)
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
SOCIAL SECURITY PAYMENTS WITHHELD
FBI Investigates Suspected Identity Theft

On the miracle at the wedding in Cana
VISITING PREACHER ACCUSED OF MOONSHINING
Police Unable to Locate Still

I know some people for whom "if it's in print, it must be true." Here's a picture of one of the all-time classic headline bloopers.

a picture of Truman with headline

In recent weeks especially, the media's handling of Sarah Palin has caused many more people to see this issue more clearly. Here at ivman's blague we like to provide a bit of balance. During World War II and beyond, Rosie the Riveter has been a cultural icon, recognizing the essential role of women in the war effort. Here's the readily recognized picture of Rosie:

picture of Rosie the Riveter

Every since John McCain's announcement and presentation of his running mate, Sarah Palin, the media's attention and intense scrutiny has been riveted on Palin. This past week someone sent me a great rework of the classic poster of Rosie to highlight a new cultural icon...

a picture of Sarah the riveter

Listen to and read very carefully the MSM's coverage of Sarah Palin. Their absolute hatred of this woman is so thinly veiled that you can see it pulsing and writhing below the surface.

Here's a great Kevin Tuma cartoon I've had in my files for a long time. It clearly shows the tenets of the "faith" of today's liberals.

cartoon about liberal faith

Do you see any of those things coming through in today's "news reporting?"

If your sole news sources are the mainstream media, I strongly suggest that you check out some other news sources to see a different angle on what you're hearing or, even more, to read news that the MSM purposely chooses not to report. The latter is very telling - it's the news you're not being allowed to hear by the MSM. Who knows what you might think if you heard it?!

Here are a few links to alternative news sources:

NewsMax.com

WorldNetDaily.com

CNSNews.com

The DrudgeReport

I'll end this post with something about which it's impossible for me personally to be unbiased - our grandson Drew. Our daughter Nora is up at Meg and Jim's all this week. Here are a couple of pictures she posted on her Facebook. As he ate some ice cream, Drew said one of his new favorite words - NICE (which he pronounces "ni").

picture of Drew with ice cream on face

picture of Drew with ice cream on face

quotation...

"Belief affects behavior, and behavior reflects belief." - Dr. M. Bruce McAllister

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Make headlines ... use a corduroy pillow.


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