Posts Tagged ‘computers’

Do you have a computer geek in your life? Many of my readers know that my summers are spent working at IT Service Desk on campus, "improving life ... one computer at a time." (my motto, not theirs) This Friday ends my summer at IT and that is bittersweet — I really enjoy my work as a tech helping people, but I'm also eager to get back in the classroom.

Even though I like to express my inner geek, I have to admit that there are many aspects of computers that I don't understand and I'm not as geeky as some. To test your level of geekdom (if that's not a word, it should be), see how much of the humor in today's iv is funny to you.

You've heard it said that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well, I must admit that I am a digital packrat. (Attribution for the cartoon, unknown at the time of publication, is in the comments section.)

And you are the beneficiaries of my digital packrattiness ... Exhibit A: today's post.

When people ask me questions about Microsoft Word, I can honestly plead ignorance. I avoid using that program like the plague — it drives me crazy! So when I find humor poking fun at Word, I automatically love it.
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June is traditionally the month when there are lots of weddings. This month we have several here in town that we'll be attending and several out of state that we cannot attend. This summer I'm working again at IT ServiceDesk on campus, "improving life, one computer at a time." One of our summer tasks is upgrading software and even some hardware. For today's iv, I'm going to "wed" those two ideas into the theme for the iv - comparing marriage to upgrades of computer programs.

What you're about to read is two fictitious e-mail exchanges between newlyweds and tech support. They are similar in many ways, and yet very different so as to reflect the differences between the genders.

Tech Support Request

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very few system resources for other applications. After a few months I noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that is taking up a lot of space and further valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, launches during system initialization, and monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications, and I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 from taking over my system. It's too late to uninstall and go back to the Girlfriend 7.0 program. Can you please help me?

Thanks,
Troubled User

REPLY...

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but it's mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities and Entertainment" program.

Wife 1.0 is an operating system and designed to run everything. WARNING – do not try to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed! Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You're right – you cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.3 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. Do not even think of trying to run Girlfriend 7.0 or 7.3 in the background. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the other program running in the background and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\I_APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then the reset button as soon as a lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPF's.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communication 5.0

Wishing you the best!
Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included before the upgrade.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as RomanticMovies 7.5, OceansideWalks 3.9, SappyLoveNotes 2.2, and OperaNight 6.1, and it installs new, undesirable programs such as BasketballNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Whenever I try to run Communication 5.0, it invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Cooking 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running NagNag 9.5 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please?

Thanks,
Desperate

REPLY...

Dear Desperate,
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misunderstanding. Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an entertainment program while Husband 1.0 is an operating system that, incidentally, was designed to run as few applications as possible. Furthermore, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 eventually to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can be installed only once per year, since Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, just a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their favorite old applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical operating system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command: C:\I_THOUGHT_YOU_LOVED_ME. You will find that sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF's, and ultimately it may be YOU who has to give a C:\I_APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or Workaholic 6.9.

Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPF's, but because of this fine feature, it can only intermittently run all applications that Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly, not being very intuitive.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotMeals 3.0, Cheerfulness 5.3, LovingPatience 10.1, and Listening 2. Used in combination, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, you will become more familiar with Husband 1.0 and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution. Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 might run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this wonderful product.

Your friends at Tech Support

Any comments on those exchanges?

quotation...

"Does your planning take priority over your praying? What do you do first, and what do you do most?" - Dr. Chris Barney

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

"June weddings are the perfect opportunity to sweat in an ugly bridesmaid's dress." - Maxine

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Do you like slappy slogans? Today's corporate world often weds a slogan to their eye-catching logos to keep their brand in the minds of those targeted by their advertising. Some are mere hype, almost like motivational posters, while others really are successful at capturing the essence of the company and its services or products.

Our laptop that was recently assailed by spyware/worms/Trojan horses/whatever is an HP Pavilion that we've had for two years. Hewlett-Packard's advertising slogan is "HP Invent." It's concise and sounds kind of neat, but I'm not sure what it is supposed to tell the consumer concerning HP's products. When I ordered the CD's to restore our laptop, HP mailed them to me through FedEx, which I understand is a sister company of HP. I had to pay $14.95 for shipping and handling. When I saw from the tracking that the CD's were picked up in Greenville SC, shipped to Charlotte NC, and then back to where we live in Greenville SC, I labeled it "shipping and mishandling." FedEx's slogan is "Relax, it's FedEx." It's not that I wasn't relaxing, but it was puzzling to watch the tracking, wondering where else my CDs's would go before I got them. And believe it or not, they arrived the day after I ordered them! But I could have driven to pick them up more cheaply than the cost of shipping and mishandling....

I looked in my files to see if I had anything along this line and found some "work slogans." I think that some must be the slogans of the employees rather than the employers.

Slogans at the Work Place

We put the "K" in "Kwality"

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings – they did it by killing all those who opposed them

A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether

TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation

We waste time, so you don't have to

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY

Succeed in spite of management

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day

The beatings will continue until morale improves

For those who receive the e-mail versions of my blog posts, I'm sorry for the double mailing. It was just part of getting everything back into place when I uploaded the older, uninfected database. I hope I'm on the "far side" of the worm debacle now! A word to the wise (and anyone else reading this) – if you go to a website and get a message that you need to click on something to update your Flash/Shockwave player, don't do it! Go to the Adobe site to do that update! I think that may be how the rootkit got installed on our system.

Today, tomorrow, and Saturday is the annual Living Gallery on campus. If you live close to Greenville to, you really should consider attending one of the identical presentations. There are still seats available.

This Saturday our daughter Megan and grandson Drew will be arriving to spend a week with us. Brace yourself for pictures and stories next week.

Do you have a favorite company slogan? Can you share one that either makes no sense or is just plain wrong?

quotation...

"Every time you sin, you're worshiping the devil." - David Hosaflook

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

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What comes to your mind when you hear the word worms? In the past several days I've had some experiences with good worms and with bad worms. I'll start off with good worms – the kind that work for us in our yards and gardens. For years my wife and I have been composting as a means of adding organic material to fertilize our garden. I have a row of hedges in the back corner of our yard that is perfect for hiding my compost heap. This past Saturday I moved blocks around to make the compost area longer and more narrow. In the process, I saw hundreds of earthworms that were happily munching away at the goodies put in the heap every couple of days. Here's a picture of a corner of our compost bin. You can see the rich dark dirt in it.

The project I mentioned above was one I've been planning to do for a while, but on Saturda it was a diversion to go outside and away from our laptop. At the end of last week it became evident that, in spite of our firewall and anti-virus program, our computer had a worm. To tell the truth, I don't really know which one we had. I kept rescanning the computer, each time turning up a worm or Trojan horse with a different name. The virus program and also the anti-spyware programs both declared each one either "healed" or removed, but if I scanned again, they would turn up more worms or Trojans as a threat. They finally incapacitated my updating my virus projection or going to the company website.

By Friday evening I began to suspect that my wife's blog had been hacked. I e-mailed my web host who wrote back to confirm my suspicions – her blog was saying its source was in China, which is where the various worms were from also. Related? I'll spare you the details, but I basically had to blow away her blog, reinstall WordPress and upload the most recent, safe backup of her database. She lost a few comments, but that's all. Shortly after I finished that, I received an e-mail saying that visiting my blog had set off this person's antivirus alarm. So I had to do the same with my blog. I lost the database that stores the polls, and so all that info is gone.

This whole time I was fighting that so that I wasn't causing problems for my visitors, I still hadn't fixed our laptop. The solution was to do a "destructive restore" which formatted the C: drive and then restored the laptop to the way it was when we bought it two years ago. So since then, I've been trying to "rebuild my kingdom" by reinstalling our various programs and trying to get things back the way we like them. What a nightmare! I told my wife Becka that a Mac is looking better and better when it comes time to replace this computer, which I was ready to burn at one point this weekend!

Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post on our laptop, the virus program popped up an alert saying there were two threats on our laptop. But HOW?! It moved the one file to the virus vault, but it said it could not heal or remove the other one. Big help! So I fear that all the hours that I've spent the last few days are for naught. Apparently the worm has crawled into the D: drive where the restore program is?

Added Tuesday evening, April 7: I've ordered restore disks from HP and will redo my computer sometime.... First, though, I had to rebuild my blog for the second time in several days.

As happy as I am to have hundreds of worms in our compost heap, the word worm currently causes great disgust in me! I had decided that it would be appropriately inappropriate to post some puns about worms, just to try to laugh a little about an otherwise dreary situation, and I'm going to go ahead with this post. (Never fear – I'm posting this from my school computer.)

On to the levity....

What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming

How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

Why was the glow worm unhappy?
Because her children weren't all that bright.

What kind of worm do you use for math?
An inch worm

What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other.

What do worms leave round their bathtubs?
The scum of the earth

What is worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding a half of a worm!

What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant?
Very big worm holes in your garden!

Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you!

What is life like for a wood worm ?
Boring !

Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag?
They can lighten your load!

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python?
A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!

What did the worm say to the other worm when he was late coming home?
Where in the earth have you been!

What is the best advice to give a worm?
Sleep late!

quotation...

"I just swallowed an earthworm," said Tom with bated breath.

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

The early bird still has to eat worms.

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Now that the elections are past, we're hearing reports on the news about the increase in gun sales. With rising economic problems we're also hearing about more and more home invasions. The newscasters collectively scratch their heads and wonder why either of these is happening. I have some ideas about why ... do you?

I've had a piece in my files for quite a while that seemed like a good thing to share at this time. It's the story of a more subtle home invasion by a stranger and the impact on the family.

The Stranger

A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger? He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home ... not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long-time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

my dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.

Still, if you were to walk into my parents' den today you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name?

We just call him "TV" for short.

A close companion of his has moved in with us. We call her "Computer."

How does your family handle TV and computer usage, especially those of you with children in the home? Our nest is empty, but we have always tried to be very careful what was allowed to be seen and heard on our TV.

quotation...

"If all the people who name Christ were living as they ought to, our country would be going in a different direction." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home. --David Frost

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