For the most part I enjoy e-mail. I like to hear from family, friends, former and present students, and many others. I hear from some people far more often than I used to. This past weekend I was cleaning out my inbox (it had gotten to over 600 messages!) and I asked myself *how* the number had gotten so out of hand. Just a couple of months ago, before we went to China, I did some clean up and got it down to under 100 messages. I need to keep chipping away at it - there are still almost 500 messages! You will now understand why you haven’t heard back from me if I owe you an e-mail. E-mail just allows us to procrastinate *sooner*, in a much more high-tech manner!

You’ll notice I started the last paragraph off with “For the most part….” There are some aspects of e-mail that I find unenjoyable. Even with great filtering, I still have to manually delete *way* too much spam and basically junk mail. One thing I got recently pokes fun at this kind of mail. I pass it on to the ivman group, with some editing of the original (author unknown) to reflect my own perspective.

***
My life is so different because of e-mail! I could not possibly list all the ways it is different, but here are some of them, with my thanks for having “improved” my life….

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about rat droppings in the glue on envelopes because now I have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs to be sealed.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open, for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Someone-or-Other) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all thanks to 2 things - 1) my helping some poor man in Africa and 2) my updating my records with financial institutions to whom I’ve never personally given my e-mail address. But that will all change, once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail forwarding program.

I no longer worry about anything in life because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me since I forwarded that cute little angel made with a bunch of X’s and O’s to everyone in my address book.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I now smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that I can get almost anything I want and see unseeable things if I forward an e-mail to a group of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola knowing it can remove stains from toilets.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shoping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer accept packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, or Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can no longer use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my posterior.

Thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up a $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a potential molester, waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking another person along to watch the car so that a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

In fact, I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from most gas companies anymore since I”m supposed to boycott them for one reason or another on some specific day or another!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician….

Have a nice day!

***
I had a very nice birthday (my 55th!) this past Saturday. My family was *way* too good to me! But then the next morning at breakfast, one of my kids said, “Well, Dad, since your birthday was yesterday, as of today you are closer to 60 than you are to 50.” I’m sure our children will be a great comfort to us in our old age!

quotation…

“Idolatry begins in the mind.” - Dr. Mark Minnick

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Rob Loach in Greenville SC

I’m so upset!!! I just heard they’ve removed the word “gullible” from the dictionary!

This summer when I’m not teaching in Asia, I’m working at IT HelpDesk on campus, “improving life, one computer at a time.” Part of what we do each summer is upgrade various programs on the university’s computers to the latest version. I like to say, “Summer upgrades … and some aren’t!” June is the month of the year when there are lots of weddings. For this week’s iv, I’m going to “wed” those two ideas into the theme for the iv - comparing marriage to upgrades of computer programs. What you’re about to read is two supposed email exchanges between newlyweds and tech support. They are similar in many ways, and yet very different so as to reflect the differences between the genders.

Tech Support Request

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and after a few months I noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that is taking up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, launches during system initialization, and monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications, and I can’t seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. It’s too late to uninstall and go back to the Girlfriend 7.0 program. Can you PLEASE help me?

Thanks,
Troubled User

***
REPLY…

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem men complain about, but it’s mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “Utilities and Entertainment” program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed to run everything. WARNING - do NOT try to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed! Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You’re right - you cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.3 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. Do not even think of trying to run Girlfriend 7.0 or 7.3 in the background. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects the other program running in the background and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF’s). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\I_APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPF’s.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use of utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communication 5.0

Wishing you the best!
Tech Support

***
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included before the upgrade.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as RomanticMovies 7.5, OceansideWalks 3.9, SappyLoveNotes 2.2, and OperaNight 6.1, and it installs new, undesirable programs such as BasketballNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Whenever Communication 5.0 runs, it invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Cooking 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running NagNag 9.5 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please?

Thanks,
Desperate

***
REPLY…

Dear Desperate,
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misunderstanding. Many women upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT program while Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM that was designed to run as few applications as possible. Furthermore, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 eventually to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their favorite old applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support.” You will notice that this program runs very poorly and comes bundled with Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical operating system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF’s). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command: C:\I_THOUGHT_YOU_LOVED_ME. You will find that sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP: Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPF’s, and ultimately it may be YOU who has to give a C:\I_APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or Workaholic 6.9.

Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPF’s, but because of this fine feature, it can only intermittently run all applications that Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotMeals 3.0, Cheerfulness 5.3, Listening 1.4, and LovingPatience 10.1. Used in combination, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, you will become more familiar with Husband 1.0 and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution. Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 might run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0, and we here at Tech Support wish you the best in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this wonderful product.

Your friends at Tech Support

***
personal update…

In about four weeks we leave for Asia. There’s so much to do before then - lessons to plan, provisions to purchase and organize, arrangements to make for our son and daughter to take care of things at the house while we’re gone, etc.

quotation…

“When we don’t pray in light of God’s word, we set our sights too low.” - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob Loach in Greenville SC

Marriage is wonderful - it’s so great to find that one special person to annoy for the rest of your life!