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Posts Tagged ‘drivers’

New License Plate Game


My wife Becka and our daughter Nora will be leaving this evening for Detroit. They plan to drive to Kentucky, spend the night in a hotel, then continue their trip Friday. Their thinking is that if they had decided to drive the whole way up on Friday, they would have arrived in Detroit right at Friday rush hour. They'll drive back here on Tuesday.

They are going up at this time to help celebrate the first birthday of our grandson Drew on Sunday. It's hard to believe that he's a year old already! There will be a friends party on Saturday afternoon and a family party on Sunday afternoon.

When our children were little, we used to pass the time on roadtrips (trying to ward off some of the squabbles) by playing that old favorite - The License Plate Game, seeing if we could see and write down a plate from each of the fifty states before the trip was over. I think the best we ever did was maybe 37 or 38 different states in one trip, surprisingly bagging Alaska and Hawaii on one trip or another!

With Becka and Nora's upcoming roadtrip to Michigan, I thought I'd give them something to do that ramps that game up to a more sophisticated level - identifying a car's home state or home town by looking at the the driver or other car features, before looking at the license plate for verification of your deductive skills. Maybe some of my readers could add comments giving other helpful tips for IDing drivers from their part of the world or tendancies they have noted in various locales....

How to identify where a driver is from...

Changing lanes or turning without using a blinker or speeding up when he sees your blinker rather than letting you change lanes, running red lights, pulling out in front of you from a side street when there's nothing behind you, waiting at a side street halfway out into your lane, driving down the middle of a street rather than in his lane: Greenville, South Carolina

Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton's coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup, doing crossword puzzle in the morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals: Detroit (please pray for Becka and Nora since this is not the kind of thing they're used to here in Greenville) 😀

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand making rude gestures out the window: New York

One hand on wheel, one hand making rude gestures out the window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

Foot lightly on the gas pedal (usually driving 5 or more mph under the speed limit), both hands on steering wheel, or if one hand isn't on the steering wheel the other hand holding a cup of Starbuck's coffee, seat pushed all the way up to the steering wheel, driving a Toyota Camry: Cleveland

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, and with a gun on lap: Southern California

Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by: Los Angeles

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour: California (Bay Area / Silicon Valley)

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on a 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on the game on the radio, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Seattle

No use of turn signal, or left blinker on for 26 blocks ... also cradling cheap cell phone: Dubuque, Iowa

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, hunting rifle between legs, feet alternating between both being on the accelerator and both being on the brake, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists, so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate

Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap, oldies blaring from the radio: Maine

Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress: Toronto

Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams: Ontario

Engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them: Quebec

One hand on wheel, other hand reaching out window trying to catch the windshield wiper to snap the ice off the blade: Minnesota

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, empty cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is also now wearing a barrel instead of nice clothes: Las Vegas

One hand on the wheel the other waving at every car that passes as if it were his neighbor: North Carolina

One finger on steering wheel of a jacked up 4x4, country music blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway: Montana

Both hands on wheel, chunks of rust falling off by the pound: Nebraska

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 in the left lane on the interstate, with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as a "no-see-'em"

Both hands on the reigns: Pennsylvania

quotation...

"Is the gospel good news for you, or is it just good information?" - Dr. Tim Keesee

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car out onto a freeway.


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Airhead Jokes


picture of bullet hole

(Phew! I just dodged another bullet!) Several months back I posted some blonde jokes. A blonde friend asked me to please cool it for a while with the blonde jokes! Figuring there might be others who felt the same way and just hadn't expressed their sentiments to me, I honored her plea. Please, don't shoot me! Actually, if you looked at the pictures of me mentioned above, you will see that I am becoming somewhat of a platinum blond myself. Hence, lately I'm a bit more sensitive myself to humor about those with lighter hair.

As a result, today's jokes are about airheads instead....

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A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering for airheads where his hostess broached a subject with which the doctor was quite at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask, Doctor?"

"Well, I might ask, "Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The airhead thought for a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

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There are two women getting ready to leave for work. The first one gets in the driver's seat and her airheaded friend gets in the passenger's seat. The drivers says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the airhead, "So, do you see any cops?"

The airhead replies, "Yes." The driver says, "Are they behind us?" "Yes." "Are they close?" "Yes." "Are they going to stop us?" "I don't know." "Well, are their lights on?" "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes."

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A airhead was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the airhead asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Oh good!" the airhead sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular black, two regular with cream, and two decafs with sugar.

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picture of bullet hole
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so an airheaded woman went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," said the sheriff, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but I guess she's right technically."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the airhead supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The airhead looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for awhile?"

So, the airhead wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The airhead was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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The other day I was in the local auto part store. An airhead came in and asked for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked?

I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said its a Buick.

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3-1/2 inches in diameter.

What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3-1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.

The guys behind the counter were looking at it upside down as she wrote it...and they just fell down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.

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An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward question to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics - something she won't have to count, measure, or look up. "Uh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

She bobs her airy head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing after I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear....'"

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Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the airheaded employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The airheaded girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

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An airhead named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. The following exchange takes place:

Regis: Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left - phone a friend. The next question will give you a million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 - are you ready?

Barbara: Sure, I'll have a go at it.

Regis: Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...
A. Robin
B. Sparrow
C. Cuckoo
D. Thrush.
Remember Barbara it's worth one million dollars.

Barbara: I think I know who it ... but I'm not 100%.... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend, Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn. (ringing)

Carol (also an airhead): Hello...

Regis: Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to a million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Barbara.

Barbara: Carol, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it:
A. Robin
B. Sparrow
C. Cuckoo
D. Thrush

Carol: Oh, Barbara, that's simple! It's a Cuckoo.

Barbara: You think so?

Carol: I'm sure.

Barbara: Thanks, Carol. (hangs up)

Regis: Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the million, Barbara?

Barbara: I want to play, I'll go with C. Cuckoo.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Barbara: It is.

Regis: Are you confident?

Barbara: Yes, fairly, Carol may be an airhead, but she's a real wiz about some things.

Regis: Barbara ... you had $500,000 and you said C. Cuckoo ... you're right! You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.

(clapping)

That night Barbara goes to Carol's to celebrate. Barbara turns to Carol and asks, "Tell me Carol, how in the world did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

Carol: Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

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A young man wanted to get his beautiful, yet airheaded wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. She was all excited, she loved her phone. He showed her and explained to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the wife went shopping. Her phone rang and it was her husband. "Hi, Hon!" he said. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replied, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asked the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

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Airhead's Cook Book

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (Oh, boy... for some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.)

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

A policeman is interrogating three airheads who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first airhead a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first airhead answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well ... uh ... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second airhead and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second airhead giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third airhead and in a very irritated voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

She looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm ... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the airhead replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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For those of you who don't already know, I let my beard grow for the first three weeks of my Christmas break. At the end of that time, I decided to shave it off. Although several people have said they're disappointed that I've shaved off my beard, I've had far more people tell me that I look better or younger without it. Several have outright *thanked* me for shaving it off, saying they're glad they don't have to look at me with the beard and try to overlook it! For those who didn't get to see me with the beard and would like to, at the top of my blog, I've put back the picture of me looking out over the city of Paris. (Psst! ...whisper... For the sake of the gullible, that's not really me up there - unfortunately I didn't get to Paris over the holidays!) I did put pictures of me with my beard in a comment to a recent blog post. You can see them by clicking here. I've chosen as my new motto, "Beautifying America, one shave at a time."

quotation...

"Whenever I think I've arrived, I'm just fooling myself." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


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