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How to Plan an Inoffensive Office Christmas Party


picture of the grinch

How can you plan an inoffensive office Christmas party? Read on....

Those of you who have been reading my iv's for any length of time know that I try to provide the best in good, clean humor. But you also know that in doing that, I am often not "politically correct." In fact, I have real issues with the direction that the PC crowd is striving to drag our society. I think of that right now because each year the attempts to remove Christ from Christmas become more blatant. (Imagine people trying to make some sort of connection between Christ and CHRISTmas! - tongue firmly planted in cheek....) With that in mind, I'm posting a satirical series of e-mail memos about one company's first annual "Office Christmas Party."

DISCLAIMER: today's instant vacation contains several things that I do not personally participate in, but I post this because illustrates so well why we wouldn't want a politically correct, pure democracy, especially in today's increasingly fragmented environment.

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Office Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the first of what we hope will become the annual Office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Pat

========================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Office Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas. So we'll be calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Everybody happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pat

========================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, upset about the eggnog and requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request. But if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pat

========================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil containers shaped like swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-carb and low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, and we suggest that those people with high blood pressure taste their food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics since the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Pat

========================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice ... what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your drumming circle during a break in the band music.

OK???

========================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock from Easter candy or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up?

========================================

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your stupid salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes ... but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

========================================

FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Thanks to our politically correct celebration of "diversity," we will not be able to enjoy a simple party together! We hope that this change does not offend anyone. If it does, GET A LIFE!

Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas! Whatever!

divider

Soooo... the way to have an inoffensive holiday party in some places is simply not to have one at all! Sadly, for those who get up every morning with a chip on their shoulder that they long to have someone knock off that day, that solution is what would make them truly happy - they're happy when no one's happy. Bah Humbug!

If you have some inoffensive or offensive favorite holiday traditions to share, please add your comment to this post. How do you handle those in your life who seem to be so eager to be offended?

quotation...

"True adoration comes not just from lips, but from lives." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Life is just a phase ... and you will get over it!


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E-mail Promises


E-mail can certainly be a blessing or a bane, can't it? A lot of my readers enjoy reading my blog posts by e-mail - which I hope is a blessing most of the time. One of the banes of that for me, though, is that most of those readers rarely, if ever, visit the blog itself.

When I first started posting my iv's to the blog instead of sending them out by e-mail, I still sent an e-mail reminding people that I had posted something new. That little blessing became a bane to me when I started receivning literally hundreds of bounces each time I sent the reminders. Those who actually received the e-mails, would visit the blog, and would make frequent comments to the blog posts. That was great fun for me and for the other readers.

When I learned that FeedBurner had the capability of sending the entire blog post by e-mail, it was a great option, with no bounces to deal with - but the comments have nearly dried up! I'd like to remind those of you who receive the e-mail version that there are several links in the e-mail itself that will take you right to the blog or the blog post. The words "latest post to ivman's blague" in the body of the e-mail are a link to the blog. Clicking on the title of the post (in this case - "e-mail promises") will take you the post itself ... and the comment section is right at the bottom of the post, just waiting for you to add yours! 😀 Also in the footer of the e-mail is a link to the blog - just be careful not to click on the link to unsubscribe yourself.

Sorry to whine, but I'd like to get some fun feedback from this whole iv thing. Anyway, on to today's iv - a 12-step program for compulsive e-mail forwarders....

THE FORWARDER'S 12-STEP PROGRAM (feel free to pass this on to needy friends...)

OK, everyone say the following with me...

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I don't forward an e-mail.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a dancing dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me, if I do forward an e-mail.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount, even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER ... EVER!

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not dumb enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS or GET-WELL CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever the e-mail creator named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colourful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!

11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12. And finally, I will NOT let others guilt me into forwarding e-mails by telling me that if I don't forward their e-mail, I am not their friend, that I don't care about people, or that I don't really love the Lord!

but you promised....

Is that a picture of Rob the ivman waiting for comments to the blog?) 🙂

Having our daughter Megan and grandson Drew here this week has been a lot of fun, but as always happens - the week seems to have evaporated! And what a week for our digital camera to go haywire!!! Never fear ... Megan brought hers and is a scrapbooker, and some will recall that we lovingly call our daughter Nora the "baby paparazzi." So we've been anything but deprived of digital images! 😀

I'll describe briefly some of the highlights of the week. One evening we went strawberry picking. Here are a few shots from that.

Our personal favorite for berry picking is Sandy Flat Berry Patch...

we *love* Sandy Flat

Nora got this picture of the rest of us, posing nicely...

berry pickers

Drew looks like he's wild about strawberries, which is not at all the case...

our little guy is indeed the berries

We think he's the berries, though!

We enjoyed a nice afternoon at the Greenville Zoo on Tuesday. Nora brought the three pre-schoolers she nannies, and we all had a nice time with pleasant weather.

Here are a few pictures from that adventure...

Megan and Drew by the zoo sign

Here's a shot of Nora and her charges...

Nora and kids

Drew wasn't sure he wanted to sit on the bear's back, and tears started to well up in his eyes...

he could hardly bear it

quotation...

"You can't live both devoted to sin and wanting deliverance from it." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Some people don't get even. They just get odder.


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The Blessing and Bane of E-mail


For the most part I enjoy e-mail. I like to hear from family, friends, former and present students, and many others. I hear from some people far more often than I used to. This past weekend I was cleaning out my inbox (it had gotten to over 600 messages!) and I asked myself *how* the number had gotten so out of hand. Just a couple of months ago, before we went to China, I did some clean up and got it down to under 100 messages. I need to keep chipping away at it - there are still almost 500 messages! You will now understand why you haven't heard back from me if I owe you an e-mail. E-mail just allows us to procrastinate *sooner*, in a much more high-tech manner!

You'll notice I started the last paragraph off with "For the most part...." There are some aspects of e-mail that I find unenjoyable. Even with great filtering, I still have to manually delete *way* too much spam and basically junk mail. One thing I got recently pokes fun at this kind of mail. I pass it on to the ivman group, with some editing of the original (author unknown) to reflect my own perspective.

divider

My life is so different because of e-mail! I could not possibly list all the ways it is different, but here are some of them, with my thanks for having "improved" my life....

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about rat droppings in the glue on envelopes because now I have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs to be sealed.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open, for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Someone-or-Other) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all thanks to 2 things - 1) my helping some poor man in Africa and 2) my updating my records with financial institutions to whom I've never personally given my e-mail address. But that will all change, once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail forwarding program.

I no longer worry about anything in life because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me since I forwarded that cute little angel made with a bunch of X's and O's to everyone in my address book.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I now smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that I can get almost anything I want and see unseeable things if I forward an e-mail to a group of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola knowing it can remove stains from toilets.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shoping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer accept packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, or Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can no longer use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my posterior.

Thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a potential molester, waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking another person along to watch the car so that a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

In fact, I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from most gas companies anymore since I"m supposed to boycott them for one reason or another on some specific day or another!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician....

Have a nice day!

divider

I had a very nice birthday (my 55th!) this past Saturday. My family was *way* too good to me! But then the next morning at breakfast, one of my kids said, "Well, Dad, since your birthday was yesterday, as of today you are closer to 60 than you are to 50." I'm sure our children will be a great comfort to us in our old age! 😎

quotation...

"Idolatry begins in the mind." - Dr. Mark Minnick

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

I'm so upset!!! I just heard they've removed the word "gullible" from the dictionary!


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