Posts Tagged ‘headlines’

We live in an increasingly distracting world. Public speakers find that "attention grabbers" are useful and at times even necessary in getting their audiences to focus. Newspapers have to do this with headlines. Today I'm posting some headlines that grab the attention for one reason or another. I suspect that some of them were more arresting than the person writing them had hoped for, like the one on the right.

Here's one from this summer that makes you wonder if they understand what a tie is.

Even an elementary school student could catch the typo in this one, if he or she has learned the ditty "Capital M, I S S, I S S...."

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After reading the title of this blog post, some may be asking how anyone can disturb a headline. Of course, it's the headlines that are disturbing us. Between natural disasters (earthquakes, snow storms, rock slides, etc.) and man-made disasters (you can supply your own...), many newspaper and magazine headlines are so disturbing right now that I thought I would try to cheer my readers up with some headlines that they could laugh about. The humor in some of the headlines below results from nouns being mistaken as verbs, and vice versa. In others it comes from misplaced modifiers or just unfortunate wordings.

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead (With that being old news, something more up-to-date would be Obama Wins on Health Care, But More Lies Ahead)

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
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Did you hear that Michael Jackson has died?! I've had some fun lately asking friends and family that question, acting as if I had just heard the shocking news for the first time myself. With the almost non-stop news coverage about him and his family, you'd have to be living in a cave not to know that MJ has passed away! I have seen the comic strip below online attributed to John Campbell and also unattributed several places and hope you'll enjoy it.

That sums up fairly well 95% of the news updates we hear after the death this world's "heros."

Did you hear that our economy is struggling?! As you well know, the news is full of stories of bankruptcies, layoffs, and gloomy forecasts, all the while struggling to make it look as if Obama is delivering the hope and change he promised instead of making things worse. But if you've been hit hard personally by the economy, you don't need news coverage to tell you so. Because many people have been affected personally or have loved ones affected, I have not been asking people in jest whether they've heard that heard that the economy is in trouble, as I do with the death of Michael Jackson. That said, though, I did have to chuckle at a list of indicators I received recently from an ivman reader who teaches business at my university.

You know the economy is really bad when....

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

You got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

You went to buy a toaster oven and they gave you a bank.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Officials from the Obama administration meet with small businesses — GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup, and GM — to discuss the Stimulus Package.

Mothers in China are telling their children to clean their plates because children are starving in America.

McDonald's is selling the Quarter-Ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and are learning the names of their own children.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

The bank returns your check marked as "Insufficient Funds" and you call them to ask if they meant you or themselves.

What are you or those close to you doing differently because of the current economy? I'm sure your personal belt-tightening is more serious than the list above.

quotation...

"Self-interest is not necessarily selfishness." - Dr. Marty Marriott

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Rob

Things have gotten so bad that gold diggers are now marrying for love.

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For several years I have been hearing about the decline in newspaper circulation. But recently I have heard of newspaper publishers laying off employees or even deciding to publish online only. I know many people who love the newspapers and who read them regularly. But I also know more and more people who seek their news online, whether it be from the newspapers they've always read on paper or from other news outlets now available.

Recently I came across an e-mail I had received a long time ago that included some hilarious newspaper clippings. I thought now might be a good time to share them. I will pass them along with little or no comment – I'll count on you to comment on any of them that strike you funny. Some of the articles had to have been published on an extremely slow news day!

This correction hardly seems adequate....

This final one makes me wonder why it took the man so long to notice the absence!

Are you a newspaper reader? Do you trust newspapers in general or any one in particular?

This is final exam week here on campus, with graduation this Saturday. I haven't been to Europe in 8 years, but lately Europe has been coming to us! Last week one of my former students who is from Germany and who majored in French here at BJU stopped by to see me while in town. This morning I was surprised to see a former student from England who is here for her sister's graduation. This Wednesday evening a German couple we don't know is arriving at our house. My office mate Phil and his wife are housing two people in the group and asked us to house this couple. They will be with us for a week and a half. My rusty German might have to come out of retirement — it's been 19 years since I last taught German!

This morning I read an excellent blog post by a missionary in Europe and left a comment. His blog is on blogspot.com and some Internet filtering where you are reading this may prevent you from going there. If you'd like to read the post, you can find it by clicking on the following link – Alcohol on the Mission Field.

quotation...

"I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisements, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper." - Thomas Jefferson, Letter to Nathaniel Macon, January 12, 1819

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Rob

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

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(I added this post back in after having to rebuild my blog for the second time in several days.)

Imagine my shock to get our newspaper this morning and see the following headline and lead story!

I really don't know how to react to this. I know that our current administration feels that the present, as well as the past and the future, is no time for happiness. But to come after me in this way just makes me want to scream out, "April Fools!

I recently learned about an online tool with which you can have a lot of fun by generating your own fake newspaper headlines. If you'd like to try it out, head on over to http://www.fodey.com/generators/newspaper/snippet.asp

Here are some headlines you might see out in the future.

Headlines for 2043

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock

Baby conceived naturally ... Scientists stumped

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million

Barack Obama seeks emperorship, but President Chelsea Clinton blocks his move

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044 if Chelsea declines fifth term

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2046

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

Do you have a favorite April Fool's trick that you enjoy pulling on friends and family?

quotation...

"This generation of shepherds will answer for this generation of sheep." - Dr. Clarence Sexton

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Rob

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh d'Etat!

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