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Posts Tagged ‘headlines’

Extra! Extra! Read All about It!


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For several years I have been hearing about the decline in newspaper circulation. But recently I have heard of newspaper publishers laying off employees or even deciding to publish online only. I know many people who love the newspapers and who read them regularly. But I also know more and more people who seek their news online, whether it be from the newspapers they've always read on paper or from other news outlets now available.

Recently I came across an e-mail I had received a long time ago that included some hilarious newspaper clippings. I thought now might be a good time to share them. I will pass them along with little or no comment – I'll count on you to comment on any of them that strike you funny. Some of the articles had to have been published on an extremely slow news day!

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This correction hardly seems adequate....

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This final one makes me wonder why it took the man so long to notice the absence!

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Are you a newspaper reader? Do you trust newspapers in general or any one in particular?

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This is final exam week here on campus, with graduation this Saturday. I haven't been to Europe in 8 years, but lately Europe has been coming to us! Last week one of my former students who is from Germany and who majored in French here at BJU stopped by to see me while in town. This morning I was surprised to see a former student from England who is here for her sister's graduation. This Wednesday evening a German couple we don't know is arriving at our house. My office mate Phil and his wife are housing two people in the group and asked us to house this couple. They will be with us for a week and a half. My rusty German might have to come out of retirement — it's been 19 years since I last taught German!

This morning I read an excellent blog post by a missionary in Europe and left a comment. His blog is on blogspot.com and some Internet filtering where you are reading this may prevent you from going there. If you'd like to read the post, you can find it by clicking on the following link – Alcohol on the Mission Field.

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"I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisements, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper." - Thomas Jefferson, Letter to Nathaniel Macon, January 12, 1819

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.


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Shocking Headlines


(I added this post back in after having to rebuild my blog for the second time in several days.)

Imagine my shock to get our newspaper this morning and see the following headline and lead story!

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I really don't know how to react to this. I know that our current administration feels that the present, as well as the past and the future, is no time for happiness. But to come after me in this way just makes me want to scream out, "April Fools!

I recently learned about an online tool with which you can have a lot of fun by generating your own fake newspaper headlines. If you'd like to try it out, head on over to http://www.fodey.com/generators/newspaper/snippet.asp

Here are some headlines you might see out in the future.

Headlines for 2043

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock

Baby conceived naturally ... Scientists stumped

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million

Barack Obama seeks emperorship, but President Chelsea Clinton blocks his move

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044 if Chelsea declines fifth term

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2046

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

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Do you have a favorite April Fool's trick that you enjoy pulling on friends and family?

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"This generation of shepherds will answer for this generation of sheep." - Dr. Clarence Sexton

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh d'Etat!


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Thoughtless Headlines?


picture of headline

Have you ever laughed out loud reading the headlines in the newspaper? It certainly beats the weeping that some headlines cause! Our local writers have a special knack at coming up with punny headlines and even the occasional head-scratchers that leave you wondering if the wording was intentional.

I have collected some headlines in my files that I'm sharing today, followed by some scanned pictures of some bad headlines or opening sentences.

(Disclaimer: the humor of some of these is in how inappropriate their wording makes them sound.)

March Planned For Next August

Lucky Man Sees Pals Die in Crash

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door — Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled — No Interest Among Students, et al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails — Fans Protest

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Researchers call murder a threat to public health

Police use tear gas, SWAT team, battering ram, stun gun to oust woman 65

8 Bagels for $1.49 — Limit 3

Death in the ring: Most boxers are not the same afterwards

Ski areas closed due to snow

Chester Morrill, 92, Was Fed Secretary

Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors With Lights

Legalized Outhouses Aired by Legislature

Difference between day and night found on tour of Torrington schools

All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad

Jerk Injures Neck, Wins Award

Fried chicken cooked in microwave wins trip

Tester links pygmy defect to shortness

Fire officials grilled over kerosene heaters

Lower Age for Elderly Opposed

Sewer input sought

Man shot to death in Cavalier Manor

Reader is upset over dog eating Filipinos

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Sheriff

Mirror robber given 10 months to reflect

Lack of brains hinders research

'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories

Alcohol ads promote drinking

Malls try to attract shoppers

Official: Only rain will cure drought

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty

Man shoots neighbor with machete

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones

Bible Church's focus is the Bible

Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Killer Sentenced To Die for Second Time in 10 Years

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Is not Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Cold Temperatures

Local Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snack

Clock Thief Faces Time

Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Line

Deer Kill 17,000

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed the Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Windows Blocked by Board

4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

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"If Scripture doesn't take me to a Christ-centered life, I've missed the point of Scripture." - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Ever wonder why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


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