Posts Tagged ‘holidays’

The beginning of a new year is such a curious mix of hopes and expectations. You say, hear, or read "Happy New Year!" more often than anyone could count, and the hope is certainly there that the new year will bring happiness.

This new year is no exception. Some have high hopes, while others are guardedly optimistic, at best. There are a number of signs that things will look very different at the end of this year. Even the new president whose campaign mantra was "hope and change" has said often recently that the economic picture is very grave, and could be for a long time to come. Time will tell. May whatever unfolds during this new year draw us closer to the One who offers real hope and change.

Even though there are signs of difficult days ahead, I have another kind of sign to share as today's instant vacation. Here's a baker's dozen of them that have accumulated in that folder on my computer.

I think this one was meant to be about the environment....

I guess all you'd have left would be your appendages....

This looks rather ominous....

I've never seen a notebook explained in this way....

I wonder what this sign is meant to communicate....

I'm told that this is from an Italian filling station....

I wonder where one can find the pegulations mentioned below....

I'm not sure how quickly these "sale" items will clear....

This French teacher is wondering what "relooking" is exactly....

Hope your [sic] not looking for Candid Camera here....

I wonder what spelling bee champ Micheal (Michael?) thought of these congratuladons....

I've had some woefully tasteless coffee myself....

Maybe they're putting on the dog instead....

When our grandson Drew was here this week, we saw a number of signs that he enjoyed his baths - like tidal waves in our bathroom!

Becka's blog

Well, for those of you who have been hoping that my wife would start her own blog, it has happened! Her not-so-young geek worked on it quite a while yesterday to get everything in place. You can check it out at http://beckasblog.ivman.com I've put a link in my sidebar also. Her blog comes complete with an RSS feed and a posts-by-e-mail option. She's got lots of ideas and plenty of new fodder, as you will seen in today's post.

quotation...

"We must beg God for humble hearts so that we may receive His wisdom." - Dr. Chris Barney

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Wishing you all a very Happy New Year 2009!
Rob

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

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I thought I'd post some ideas to help you to get a jump on those New Year's resolutions for 2009 or at least make you happier that you don't make any anyway.

Are you sick and tired of making resolutions year after year, resolutions that you never keep? Like this person's resolutions for the past 4 years....

2005: I will work out every day.
2006: I will work out 5 days a week.
2007: I will work out 3 days a week.
2008: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you might be able to keep.

New Year's resolutions you can keep

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

Don't exercise. Waste your time in some other way.

Read less. Reading makes you think.

Watch more TV. You don't want to miss the one good thing that comes along.

Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.

Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

Don't have octuplets.

Get in a whole NEW rut!

Don't buy an '83 Eldorado with a really loud stereo system, tinted windows, and fur on the dashboard.

Speak in a monotone voice and use only monosyllabic words.

Wear only jeans that are 2 sizes too small, and use a chain or rope for a belt.

Don't eat cloned meat.

Create loose ends.

Get more toys.

Get further in debt.

Don't believe politicians.

Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

Associate with even worse business clients.

Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

Wait for opportunity to knock.

Focus on the faults of others.

Mope about your own faults.

Never make New Year's resolutions again.

You'll have to check out the "facelift" I've given the blog.

quotation...

"If no one is able to govern himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else?" - Ronald Reagan

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Rob

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean

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For those of you who are still grappling with leftover turkey, here is another recipe that you might want to try. I think it is just about the ideal after-turkey-dinner recipe because it contains turkey, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I'm not sure where this recipe came from, but it's very tasty.

Green Bean and Turkey Casserole
2 cups cubed cooked turkey or chicken
2 cups fresh or frozen cooked green beans
1 can cream of chicken soup
1/3 cup milk (plus additional for moistening mashed potatoes)
approximately 2 cups cooked mashed potatoes (make extra the day of your feast)
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 cup French fried onions (from can or bag)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Mix turkey, green beans, soup, and milk. Pour into a two quart greased casserole dish. (If you have a little leftover stuffing you can add this too.) Moisten mashed potatoes with a little milk and whisk to fluff them up. Spread on top of turkey/green bean mixture. Sprinkle with cheese. Bake about 25 mins. or until bubbly. Top with french fried onions and return to oven for about 5 more minutes. Enjoy!

Since Rob always gets to post pictures of our grandson Drew, I'm going to take advantage of doing a post to put out a picture we took yesterday while our little guy was napping with his friend (Curious) George - who makes a great pillow!

Becka

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(The following is a note from Santa Claus.)

Dear y'all,

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences that have been noted:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola, pork rinds, and a MoonPie on the mantle.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. Fun Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" and "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. These song titles will be "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

As I did my exhausting research for this post, I was surprised that is Bubba Claus almost as famous as his flannel shirttail cousin Santa Claus, with all sorts of Bubba Claus items out there. I found a Bubba Claus knife by Schrade, Bubba Claus albums and CD's, and even a Bubba Claus quilt.

This post seems to be the perfect opportunity to share pictures of an incredible redneck Christmas tree sent to me by several people.

And now the most amazing part - how beautiful a bunch of Mountain Dew cans can look...

This will be my only blog post this week. Next week I'll post on Monday evening again with some fresh family pictures since our whole little family will be together here for a few days. In the meantime, here's a picture of our grandson Drew whose mom helped him make his first snow angel in the heavy snow they got a few days ago.

Wherever your Christmas celebration is on the scale from redneck to elegant, may it be joyous! Here's a final greeting from Bubba Claus and his dawgs who will be visiting our (red)neck of the woods.

quotation...

"God goes after the ones religious people think are unlikely and saves them." - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

Snowflakes are one of the most fragile things in nature, but just look at what they can do when they stick together.

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How can you plan an inoffensive office Christmas party? Read on....

Those of you who have been reading my iv's for any length of time know that I try to provide the best in good, clean humor. But you also know that in doing that, I am often not "politically correct." In fact, I have real issues with the direction that the PC crowd is striving to drag our society. I think of that right now because each year the attempts to remove Christ from Christmas become more blatant. (Imagine people trying to make some sort of connection between Christ and CHRISTmas! - tongue firmly planted in cheek....) With that in mind, I'm posting a satirical series of e-mail memos about one company's first annual "Office Christmas Party."

DISCLAIMER: today's instant vacation contains several things that I do not personally participate in, but I post this because illustrates so well why we wouldn't want a politically correct, pure democracy, especially in today's increasingly fragmented environment.

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Office Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the first of what we hope will become the annual Office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Pat

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Office Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas. So we'll be calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Everybody happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pat

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, upset about the eggnog and requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request. But if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pat

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil containers shaped like swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-carb and low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, and we suggest that those people with high blood pressure taste their food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics since the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Pat

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice ... what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your drumming circle during a break in the band music.

OK???

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock from Easter candy or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up?

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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your stupid salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes ... but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

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FROM: Teri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Thanks to our politically correct celebration of "diversity," we will not be able to enjoy a simple party together! We hope that this change does not offend anyone. If it does, GET A LIFE!

Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas! Whatever!

Soooo... the way to have an inoffensive holiday party in some places is simply not to have one at all! Sadly, for those who get up every morning with a chip on their shoulder that they long to have someone knock off that day, that solution is what would make them truly happy - they're happy when no one's happy. Bah Humbug!

If you have some inoffensive or offensive favorite holiday traditions to share, please add your comment to this post. How do you handle those in your life who seem to be so eager to be offended?

quotation...

"True adoration comes not just from lips, but from lives." - Dr. Drew Conley

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Rob

Life is just a phase ... and you will get over it!

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