ivman's blague

Here’s a little information for you men out there who might be panicking right now, or who perhaps should be panicking…

For any of you guys out there who have already bought something you shouldn’t have or who haven’t yet had the opportunity to purchase something for your Valentine, here’s a list - a baker’s dozen - of things you should definitely not give her:

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any clothing item with the words “push-up” or “slim-down” on the label.

3. Any food item with the words “diet”, “light”, or “high fiber” on the label.

4. A skillet (especially cast iron) - voice of experience here (details unavailable at a later date)

5. Flowers from a hospital gift shop - or worse, from a mortuary.

6. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out “There was once a girl from Nantucket…”

7. Anything you have ever given another woman, including your mother.

8. Any household appliance, power tool, or other item from the harder side of Sears.

9. A vacuum cleaner, no matter how nice.

10. A gift certificate.

11. Cash.

12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart, even if you didn’t.

13. An apologetic look and the words “That was today?”

It might be fun to read people’s “worst ever Valentine’s present.” Comment away!

quotation…

“Sometimes what people call Christian liberty is just Christian stupidity.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Some things are loved because they are valuable; others are valuable because they are loved.

Tags: holidays, men, Valentines, women

With Valentine’s Day one week away, I thought I’d post some fun things about the relationships between men and women.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard full of mules and and donkeys, the husband broke the silence by asking a bit sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

***
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Iraq several years before the war, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation.

“This is marvelous,” said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

The Iraqi woman replied, “Land mines.”

***
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband, “Women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say,” to which he replied, “What?”

***
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, “OK, you released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this has happened this month, and I’m getting a little sick of all these wishes, so you can forget about three — you only get one wish!” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete … of how much steel! No, I’m sorry, you’ll have to think of another wish.”

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally he said, “My wife always says that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women … know how they feel and what they’re thinking when they give us the silent treatment … know why they’re crying … know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’ … know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

***
New Seat Belt Law in the USA

This regulation becomes effective July 1, 2008, in all states and will soon to be law in all Canadian Provinces.

The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below….

Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

***
One of my projects over the Christmas break was painting our dining room. The time I had after the holidays was insufficient, and the project has gone into the beginning of this semester. After this past Saturday’s hanging of the window treatment my wife had made and getting the new ceiling light in place, all that is left now is painting the baseboards. Phew! Anyway, here’s a picture of the almost completed room….

Here’s a close-up of Becka’s window treatment….

special request…

One of our campus sons (Tim) from the mid-eighties here at BJU has kept in touch with us through the years since he graduated. (It’s kind of scary that Tim’s son could be our campus son in not very many years! Yikes - our first campus grandson!) Well, anyway, yesterday Tim asked me in an e-mail if I would put a link on my blog to a survey he’s doing as part of the research for a book he is writing.

If you would be so kind as to take this anonymous survey, I would really appreciate your helping “our son” in this way. There are only ten questions and it will take you very little time to finish it. You can get to the survey by clicking here.

quotation…

“Lord, give me firmness without hardness, steadfastness without dogmatism, love without weakness.” - Jim Elliot

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they do make great ancestors!

Tags: holidays, home improvements, men, Valentines, weddings and marriage, women

On this last day of the year 2007, it’s a time of reflection and of anticipation. For those of us who made resolutions for changes we wanted to make in our lives in 2007 - we’d better work fast! Not that many hours remain to accomplish them all!

Maybe it’s because I’m a teacher and have lots of “new beginnings” in my life - new school years, new semesters, etc., but for some reason I’m not actully one for making “new year’s resolutions,” but I know that some people just love them. Several years ago, I posted sent out an iv of New Year’s Resolutions we all could keep. You can read that by clicking here.

As the new year brings a new month, I resolve to get more points this month than in December. I resolve also to eliminate as many items as possible from the “honey-do list” before the new semester begins on January 9, 2008.

I’d enjoy reading resolutions for 2007 that you kept or some of your resolutions for 2008.

I’ve seen some really funny lists of resolutions online. One motif went something like this:

2004: I will see my dentist this year.
2005: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2006: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2007: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
2008….

Now on to some other unique lists of New Year’s Resolutions…

Senior Citizens’ New Year’s Resolutions…

Be awake more than asleep

STOP USING ALL CAPS IN MY E-MAILS

>> try and prune >>> all these >> chevrons
>> when forwarding jokes >>>, urban legends >>> spam >> false virus alerts >>> recipes and
pathetic >>> inspirational thoughts >>>> and chain
>>>
>>> letters >>>>>>

Remember the names of my kids and grandkids

See my family more often than my doctor

Learn a new game besides Bingo

Learn NOT to say “Whipper Snapper”

Learn NOT to say “In my day…”

Spend more time on the computer than the toilet

Attend all the meetings of Obsessive-Compulsive Anonymous, where I shall take verbatim notes and then check them for spelling, syntax, and grammar

Learn to pronounce the names of all medications I have to take

Try to take things seriously, once in a while. (Note: I said “things” not people!)

Household Pets’ New Year’s Resolutions…

Dog: Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

Cat: I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

Dog or Cat: Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing monster does to us when no one is around.

Fish: Swim counter-clockwise this year.

Dog: Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell other dogs.

Cat: I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into his eyes until he wakes up.

Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on ‘roids, or they’ll flush me for sure!

Dog or Cat: Always scoot before licking

Cat: Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.

Dog: Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

Fish: Get out of the castle more

Dog: January 1 - Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2 - December 31 Relive victory over the sock.

Cat: When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

Dog: I will NOT chase the stupid stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND!

Cat: When my human is typing at the computer, I will remember two things - my human’s forearms are not a hammock, and I must not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

***
It’s been a while since I posted - we were all too busy and fulfilled for blogging! We thoroughly enjoyed this last week with many good family times together. It was a nice, restful week of doing things together that we all enjoy. It was especially nice to have everyone together several times. We didn’t get to do our family Christmas celebration until we were all in town and together, on Thursday. We all went out to our son Mark and daughter-in-law Katie’s house Saturday evening for a cookout. The picture below is from that evening.

Of course, one of the things we enjoyed most was our grandson Drew’s first Christmas. He is big enough to enjoy what’s going on, although he has no real comprehension of it all. Below are some pictures we’d like to share.

Here’s Drew being handed a gift to try to open…

Just sitting on the couch was too boring, so here he is getting at the presents under the tree…

Drew is on the verge of crawling - he rocks on all fours, goes in circles, and scoots backwards. Here he is “almost crawling” to get to a toy….

He also loves to stand, though attempts at walking have yet to be exhibited. Here he is at Mark and Katie’s…

Grandma and I had a great time playing with little Drew! Here’s a picture of Grandma reading to our little guy…

Our Christmas gifts involved a lot of things we made for loved ones ourselves. One of the really fun gifts this year was cornhole boards and bags that Jim and Megan made, one set for our son Mark and one set for our daughter Nora’s boyfriend Aron. We all went outdoors for a while to try them out. Here’s a picture of Becka and Megan trying their hand at tossing the bags to the board at Nora and Katie’s end of the yard.

wellness challenge update…

Many of the faculty and staff at BJU are participating in a wellness challenge for one full year - from September 1, 2007 to August 31, 2008. Rather than my repeating all the details of the wellness challenge here, if you want to know more, you can read about it by clicking on “wellness” under Tags in the sidebar on my blog. The end of November marked the end of the first quarter of the challenge. My wife and I both had accumulated enough points to be in the “gold” category. We could each choose between a nice cash prize or an iPod Nano. Becka chose the cash, and I chose the iPod. I’m enjoying it very much and listening to some of my favorite music as I put this blog post together. Its capacity is 4 GB, and though I put over 200 songs on it, I’ve not even used up 1/4 of the space. I’ll have to explore putting some of my favorite pictures on the iPod.

It’s a good thing the first quarter ended on November 30 instead of today! This past couple of weeks the wellness challenge has been … well, a challenge! ‘Nuff said….

quotation…

“God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s me.” - unknown

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

In the new year … First things first! But not necessarily in that order.

Tags: aging, animals, holidays, senior citizens, wellness

Many of us are dismayed with the “war on Christmas” (read: war on Christ - check out the first six letters of CHRISTmas…) that ramps up more and more each year. I read on a blog some time ago (I should have taken note of the blog so that I could give due credit, but alas…) a post along this line. I thought I’d put it out there for your enjoyment.

Happy Whatever?

Please accept with no obligation - implied or implicit, on behalf of the wisher or wishee - my best wishes for an environmentally-conscious, socially-responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally-successful, personally-fulfilling, and medically-uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally-accepted Gregorian calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only America in the Western Hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, political affiliation, religious faith, or choice of computer operating system of the wisher or the wishee.

DISCLAIMER: By accepting this greeting you are accepting the terms of the greeting and all responsibility associated with it. This greeting is subject to clarification and/or revocation at any time at the discretion of the wisher. This greeting is non-transferable without the express written consent of the wisher. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or for others. This greeting is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. Warranty is limited to replacement of this greeting or issuance of a new greeting at the sole discretion of the wisher, who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress this greeting may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit. Reading of this disclaimer constitutes your acceptance of the greeting. Oh, and I almost forgot…this disclaimer supersedes all local, state, federal, and international laws previously enacted to prevent such disclaimers from superseding all local, state, federal, and international laws.

Happy special time of year!

***
The following was a comment on that blog that I found good enough to save with that blog post….

Comment: My favorite politically correct contortion to avoid using the word “Christ” at any cost is the local government that gives Dec 25th off as the “December 25th holiday”. One year they sent out a memo that said since Dec 25 falls on a Saturday this year, the “December 25th holiday” will be taken on December 24! Ooops! How did that derivative of “holy” get in there?

***
This is politically INcorrect Rob who thinks that the above is so ludicrous that it’s actually funny. Since this is *my* blog, I’d like to wish you a joyous, Christ-exalting Christmas and God’s best blessings in the New Year!

If you’re still with me, I want to share a link that’s related to the war on Christmas - it’s called Merry TOSSmas.

***
I’ve enjoyed working with the gang back at IT Help Desk on campus this week. As I’ve gone from office to office on campus, I’ve seen many people I haven’t seen in quite a while, and I’ve been regaled with wellness-counter-productive goodies, songs, and general merriment. Some of the funniest things I’ve heard were related to some recent events on campus - mainly the pertussis (whooping cough) blip and the faculty/staff men now being permitted to sport beards. There are some pretty scruffy-looking characters out there right now! One person suggested the school be renamed Bob Jones University and Rescue Mission. One friend greeted me with the season’s greetings of “Merry Pertussis, and a Happy New Beard!” It’s definitely been a fun week to work! But I’m really looking forward to some time off now.

quotation…

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” Luke 2:14

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

DISCLAIMER: No trees were harmed in the posting of these greetings, however, a significant number of electrons were inconvenienced.

Tags: Christmas, holidays, society, traditions

My wife and I had a very enjoyable time last evening. Friends from our church who also work at school invited some other people about our age to their house for a potluck dinner followed by caroling in their neighborhood (which just happens to be the same neighborhood where our son Mark and daughter-in-law Katie live. Our hostess even had little lanterns with votive candles inside for each couple to carry. It was a lot of fun, and I think that it was a pleasant surprise to those that we found at home. We even had the opportunity to comfort one mom who had just been talking to her enlisted son on the phone. We hope our friends can be a source of some on-going encouragement for her. We were disappointed that our son and daughter-in-law weren’t at home - but we called them on our cellphone and caroled them as they shopped!

Part of the fun of our caroling was singing Christmas songs with no songsheets and no instruments. It’s amazing how many of the words are in our minds, and how many of the people we caroled sang along with us or mouthed the words themselves! Today’s iv is a little fun with Christmas songs.

Christmas Songs Initials Puzzle

How many of these songs of the Christmas season can you identify using just the initials of the words in their starting phrases?

1. HYAMLC
2. TFNTADS
3. GRYMGLNYD
4. ICUAMC
5. SNHNAICAIB
6. OTFDOCMTLGTM
7. DTHWBOHFLLLLLLLL
8. YBWOYBNC
9. JTTWTLHC
10. YKDADAPAVCACADAB
11. ISMKSCUTMLN
12. CSBSDIHS
13. HTHASGTTNK
14. GGROBAR
15. OHNTSABS
16. AIWFCIMTFT
17. DTTSIAOHOS
18. WTKOOA
19. IDOAWCJLTOIUTK
20. CROAOFJFNAYN
21. IBTLALLC
22. OLTOBHSWSTL
23. SBRAYLITLSIG
24. IBHFC
25. WWYAMCWWYAMC
26. IHTBOCD
27. FTSWAJHS
28. JOSNLYETW
29. GKWLDOTFOS
30. UOTHRPOJGOSC
31. IHABCWY
32. WUNWTAGC (LSN)
33. JHTSBRTTT
34. CTTMPRPPP

Answers to Christmas Songs Initials Puzzle

1. HYAMLC - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
2. TFNTADS - The First Noel (the Angels did say)
3. GRYMGLNYD - God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen (Let nothing you dismay)
4. ICUAMC - It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
5. SNHNAICAIB - Silent Night (Holy night, all is clear, all is bright)
6. OTFDOCMTLGTM - The 12 Days of Christmas (On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me)
7. DTHWBOHFLLLLLLLL - Deck The Halls (with boughs of holly. Fa La La La La La La La La)
8. YBWOYBNC - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (You’d better watch out, you better not cry!)
9. JTTWTLHC - Joy To The World (the Lord has come)
10. YKDADAPAVCACADAB - Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen)
11. ISMKSCUTMLN - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (underneath the mistletoe last night)
12. CSBSDIHS - Silver Bells (City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, decked in holiday style)
13. HTHASGTTNK - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (Glory to the newborn King)
14. GGROBAR - Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
15. OHNTSABS - Oh Holy Night (the stars are brightly shining)
16. AIWFCIMTFT - All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
17. DTTSIAOHOS - Jingle Bells (Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh)
18. WTKOOA - We Three Kings (of Orient Are)
19. IDOAWCJLTOIUTK - (I’m Dreaming of a) White Christmas (just like the ones I used to know)
20. CROAOFJFNAYN - The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting on an open fire; Jack Frost nipping at your nose)
21. IBTLALLC - It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Christmas
22. OLTOBHSWSTL - O Little Town of Bethlehem (how still we see thee lie)
23. SBRAYLITLSIG - Winter Wonderland (Sleigh bells ring, are you list’nin’? In the lane snow is glist’nin’)
24. IBHFC - I’ll Be Home For Christmas
25. WWYAMCWWYAMC - We Wish You A Merry Christmas (We Wish You A Merry Christmas)
26. IHTBOCD - I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day
27. FTSWAJHS - Frosty The Snowman (was a jolly, happy soul)
28. JOSNLYETW - Jolly Old St. Nicholas (lean your ear this way)
29. GKWLDOTFOS - Good King Wenceslas (looked down, on the Feast of Stephen)
30. UOTHRPOJGOSC - Up On The Housetop (reindeer pause. Out jumps good old Santa Claus)
31. IHABCWY - (I’ll Have A) Blue Christmas (without you)
32. WUNWTAGC - (LSN) Way Up North Where The Air Gets Cold (Little Saint Nick)
33. JHTSBRTTT - Sleigh Ride (Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling, ting, ting, ting-a-ling)
34. CTTMPRPPP - Little Drummer Boy (Come, they told me, pa rum pum pum pum)

The complete catalog of gifts in the old Christmas carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas” today would cost you a total of $15,231.72. J. Patrick Bradley, chief economist at Provident National Bank in Philadelphia, figures the breakdown of prices for the 12 days as follows:

One partridge in a pear tree, $27.48 (partridge, $15; pear tree, $12.48)
Two turtle doves, $50
Three french hens, $15
Four calling birds, $280
Five gold rings, $600
Six geese-a-laying, $150
Seven swans-a-swimming, $7,000
Eight maids-a-milking, $30.40
Nine ladies dancing, $2,417.90
Ten lords-a-leaping, $2,686,56
Eleven pipers piping, $947.70
Twelve drummers drumming, $1,026.68

(update - be sure to check out the comments for some clarifications of several items in this post)

quotation…

“You never know whose heart God is touching or what ‘language’ He’s using to speak to them.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect in action.

Tags: Christmas, holidays, language, music