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Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

Five Short Jokes


This week's post is five short jokes that I hope will give you a little break for smiling and/or laughing. Here goes....

My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So, when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance.

A full year went by before he got a call that could be traced to those placards.

"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.

"That's right," my excited father answered. "May I help you?"

"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."

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One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local Air Force Base, a young airman described in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed. When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?"

"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."

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Surprise Endings


As we draw near to the end of this school year, we hope any surprise endings will be pleasant ones, academically speaking.

With that in mind, I'm posting three jokes with rather surprising endings. WARNING: You may want to be sure you are somewhere where you are free to laugh out loud, particularly when reading the third joke. You have been warned.... 🙂

OK, here goes....

My neighbor was startled by a car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am old enough that I don't need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!"

"That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
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Old Jokes


anti-aging cream

Do any of you jokesters ever hear the complaint that you tell the same old jokes all the time? Sometimes it may be because the jokester is getting a little older. Other times it may be because the joke perfectly fits the situation. And still other times, it may just be because the joke happens to be among the jokester's favorites.

Somehow it seems like the perfect time for today's blog post to be a compilation of some of my favorite jokes about old age. And yes, some of them are ones I have already posted on my blog ... although several were posted over 5 years ago. I guess if my readers remember the jokes from that long ago, they must be worth retelling.

On to some old jokes about old folks....

On their way to their vacation destination, an elderly couple stopped at a service station. The attendant came out and said, "Hi! Fill it up?" to which the old man replied, "Yes, please."

His wife asked, "What did he say?" and her husband yelled, "HE ASKED IF WE WANTED HIM TO FILL IT UP."

To pass the time during the fill up, the friendly attendant asked, "Where ya goin'?" to which the husband replied, "We're going to spend our vacation at Hilton Head, in our son's condo."

His wife asked, "What did he say?" and her husband yelled, "HE ASKED WHERE WE WERE GOING. I TOLD HIM TO HILTON HEAD."

The attendant then said, "You're in luck - the weather there is supposed to be perfect for the next two weeks.

His wife asked, "What did he say?" and her husband yelled, "HE SAID THE WEATHER WILL BE NICE."

The attendant then asked the man, "Where do you live when you're not on vacation?" to which the husband replied, "We live in Richmond, VA." The attendant said with surprise, "I know a woman from Richmond. She talks non-stop and drives her husband crazy!"

His wife asked, "What did he say?" and her husband yelled, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE'S MET YOU BEFORE!"

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Here are the top ten games at oldsters' birthday parties:

1. Sag - You're It!
2. Hide and Go Sleep
3. Hide and Go Seek Your Own Easter Eggs (a variation on the previous game)
4. 20 Questions Shouted into Your Good Ear
5. Kick the Bucket
6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
7. Spin the Bottle of Liniment
8. Musical Recliners
9. Simon Says Something Incoherent
10. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
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Punchlines


This week's post consists of three jokes, each one slightly longer than the previous, but none of them long. Enjoy!

A guy took his airhead girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all those players with big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like ... Hellooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!"

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A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish life-style went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get our of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go to Coney Island?!"
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Are You in a Time Warp?


Turtle and Snail

Do you have a love/hate relationship with technology? I mentioned in my post last week about using FaceTime to "be with" people at their reunion 700 miles away. I basically experienced what science fiction told us our phone calls would one day be like. For an old guy, I use quite a bit of technology, but things keep changing so quickly that there's much that I've never even heard of. I feel as if I'm holding on for dear life on a fast ride, and yet I know that compared to some, I'm not moving along very fast at all. Sometimes I feel as if I'm in a time warp. Strangely enough, time flies even when you're not having fun! I ran across a quotation recently from 1971 — "Technology ... is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other." — C. P. Snow

Today's post is a couple of jokes related to this idea.

A man was visiting his son and daughter-in-law one night when he asked if he could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," said his son. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

You know, that fly never knew what hit it!
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