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Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

Happy Belated Birthday, WWW!


Happy Birthday

Yesterday, April 30, 2013, was the 20th birthday of the World Wide Web's going public. Since my day to post is Wednesdays, my birthday wishes had to be belated. I once asked in a store if they sold boxes of belated birthday cards.... Anyway, we're glad the WWW is here. Otherwise, we wouldn't be reading this right now.

Here's a picture of the first website (You can click on the picture to go to the actual site.)

WWW 20 Years Old

It was certainly barebones compared to the graphics-rich content we're used to today. You can read about it on the main page of that site — http://info.cern.ch.

Today is the last day of final exams. This Friday afternoon is graduation at BJU, and then this weekend our son Mark will be graduating from Furman with his Master of Arts in School Leadership. We're proud of all his hard work that got him to this point, pretty much a course at a time evenings as a full-time teacher, husband, and dad. Having taken the same route myself, I know just how hard that is!

In honor of exams, I have a couple of jokes either about tests, intelligence, ... or the lack thereof.
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Weather, Whether We Like It or Not!


Weather Forecast

We're in that happy time of year with its characteristic "roller coaster weather." On my drive to school yesterday morning, I must have been quite a sight. I was wearing sunglasses because the sun was so bright and gloves because the steering wheel was so cold. Both were easily visible to other drivers. Then on the way home yesterday afternoon, I had the AC on in my pickup. Since I have planted some things in my garden, I'm hoping that we are at least past the threat of frost or freeze. Ah, the viscissitudes of weather!

When I was in fifth and sixth grade, my math and spelling teacher Mrs. Byerly had some great ways to help us remember things. For instance, she taught us a little song that ended with the words "we will weather the weather, whether we like it or not!" I often think of that, not only in connection to the homonyms, but also in regards to the weather itself.

I never have trouble knowing whether it should be "ei" or "ie" because Mrs. Byerly taught us to remember lice. When a word contains either of those vowel combinations, the letter l will be followed by i and the letter c will be followed by e. Therefore the correct spellings will be believe, relief, receive, deceit, etc. Lice may seem like a lousy way to remember something, but it works! Great teacher, that Mrs. Byerly, that I still remember those things 50 years later!

Today's post is weather-related bits of humor ... whether you like it or not! 😉

Farmer Brown: "Did you lose much in that last tornado?"

Farmer Jones: "Lost the henhouse and all the chickens. But that's okay, 'cause I ended up with three new cows and a pick-up truck."

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Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain.

One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's the rest of it like?"

The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."
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Are You What You Eat?


Some years back, there was an ad on TV for Nutri-Grain bars. The gist of the ad, without coming out and saying it in so many words, was — you eat it, you wear it! Or rather you are what you eat. The makers of the ad superimposed over various parts of people's anatomies some recognizable food items in a creative manner to illustrate their idea. One such person was a man with a donut around his waist trying and failing to get through a turnstile because of his donut. Another was a woman walking along with cinnamon rolls on her posterior. You can view the ad on YouTube. I've done a screen shot of the one segment I'm talking about for you to see below:

What does that have to do with today's blog post? Well, my German students have begun learning German irregular verbs. In German the third person one eats (man isst) sounds just like one is (man ist). Only when written are the verb forms distinguishable. I told my students to try to imagine the horror of learning that the person they were talking to is saying man isst, was man ist = you eat what you are, instead of the other way around. No German would say that, of course, since that would be advancing cannabilism. But in writing, spelling can be a life and death matter!

Back in 1998 when I was sending my "instant vacations" by e-mail, (see about page) I did an iv on cannibals. Of course, cannibalism is a deplorable practice, and there's nothing funny about what cannibals do. So the humor in these jokes lies in the puns and the other plays on words, rather than the topic itself. Please don't "chew me out" or "bite my head off" for posting these cannibal jokes. Just groan, delete, or cheerfully share them — how ever it is that you react. 🙂

Here goes....

A traveler met up with a cannibal who was practicing spear throwing at targets. The traveler noticed that the cannibal was very accurate no matter if he threw with his left or right hand. At seeing this the traveler thought out loud, "Boy, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous like that." The cannibal turned quickly and said, "I'll take it!"
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What Can You Say to That?


Do you ever have moments when you feel as if you should say something, but you don't even know what to say? You're left with a total loss for words. I envy those who always seem to be able to come up with something to say. I have found that when I don't know for sure what to say, I should just keep my mouth closed.

Today's iv is several jokes where the one person is left with nothing to say in reply.

A laundry-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

She replied, "It depends — what does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Green Bay Packers."
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What Are the Chances?


picture of mug

I've received some great jokes in my e-mail recently. The ones I'm posting today all seemed to be scenarios that were crazy enough to actually happen or were maybe even fairly likely to occur. I'll leave it to you to decide, as you read these, what the chances are of these events' happening in real life. Whether these scenarios are likely or not, I found them all humorous and predict that you'll chuckle at least once as you read this. Read on and tell me if I'm wrong.

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames.

There were no injuries.

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One day in Little Johnny's kindergarten class, his teacher was telling them the story of the three little pigs. They were at the part when the first pig needed to build his house.

"Then," the teacher said, "the first little pig needed straw to build his house. Along the road he saw a farmer carrying a bail of straw. So the little pig walked up to the farmer and asked him if he could borrow his straw to build a house. Then class, do you know what the farmer said?"

Little Johnny immediately raised his hand and waved it furiously.

"Yes, Johnny?" said the teacher.

He replied, "I know! I know! The farmer said, 'WOW! A TALKING PIG!!!'"

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