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Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

Jokes on Health and Aging


picture of healthy aging book

Since I will be passing a major milestone at the end of this week (I will turn 60 on Friday), I thought I'd post some jokes I've accumulated on aging. Also I had a bit of a health scare recently. Though I'm still consulting physicians about things, it seems that the symptoms I've been experiencing are caused by a mineral deficiency rather than something more serious. Therefore since I'm thinking not just about aging at this time, I'll add to today's mix some humor on health also. I especially appreciated several of today's jokes and hope you get a laugh or two also. Here goes!

A young man called his Jewish mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible, Mom. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

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It was on the day we attended a relative's wedding that I realized my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?

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A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments: "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
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Three Different Trios


picture of the Three Stooges

Today for Valentine's Day, I'm posting three short jokes about the relationships between men and women. In one way or another, three people are involved in each of the jokes, hence the idea of trios in the title. Trios don't get much more different than the one on the right.

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money for some special projects. He asked the people to consider putting a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most could pick out three hymns that morning. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly-looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way up the aisle. He told her how wonderful it was that she had given so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked out over the congregation, pointed, and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

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How to get people to stop bugging you about getting married....
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Jury Duty


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I have been summoned for jury duty several times, but I have never been seated on a jury that has gone into deliberation. The one time I was seated, the defendant decided to settle without his case's proceeding. The first time I was ever summoned, I was relieved not to be seated — it was a murder trial in Detroit and final exam week for me as a teacher. Ugh! The system was supposed to be "one day, one trial," but because it was so difficult to seat a jury for that well-publicized case, we all had to go back several days. I guess they needed a jury of people who lived in caves and never saw or read the news.

Well, this next week I have been summoned for jury duty. I'm glad they were able to move this to a time when classes aren't in session since it definitely would have been hard on my colleagues to cover my classes for a week.

In honor of this upcoming event, I thought I'd post some law-related humor. It's mostly jokes about lawyers, since they figure so prominently into courtroom scenes. I apologize in advance to several of my readers who are actually quite nice lawyers. They must know lots of other lawyers, though, who are the reason for so many lawyer jokes. Anyway, here goes...!

Mrs. Swanson was declining to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn't want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial.

"But, Madam," said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, "this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the $15,000 he'd promised to spend on a fur coat for her birthday."

"Hmmm," reflected Mrs. Swanson. "OK, I'll serve, I could be wrong about capital punishment."
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A Little Christmas Cheer


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Christmas has been on my mind all semester with play practices several times a week and then the daily performances for the past week and half. But I think I've done only one Christmas related blog post this year. So today I'm posting three Christmas jokes. At the end of the post, I'll share some of my reflections on A Christmas Carol.

As the little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped out, "Didn't you get my e-mail?!"
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How to Stall the Aging Process


picture of anti-aging cream

As we went into our 8th performance last evening, we were all tired and a couple of cast members were struggling with various symptoms of maladies. As the senior member of the cast, during the class day I commented to people that I was beginning to feel every one of my 59 years. But strangely enough, when the play began last night, the fatigue and malady that we were feeling disappeared and we gave one of our best performances yet.

I'm convinced that one way to stall aging is to be with young people, and to enjoy being with young people. I think that by so doing, a person keeps a more youthful outlook. Being with my students in class and with many other students in A Christmas Carol has been very good for me. Another way to slow down the aging process is to be as active as possible. Today's iv is several jokes about aging.

Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my backside looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for Harvey will be held Friday morning at 10:30 at Taylor Funeral Home.
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