ivman's blague

That’s an odd title, isn’t it? Why oddments? Oddments is a word that means remnants, leftovers, odds and ends, hodgepodge, etc. You get the idea. So… why oddments? What I’m posting today is little bits of stuff, none of which would make a real blog post, but they’re things just too good not to share! Mainly it’s stuff that I’ve received or found that has something to do with previous posts on my blog. I’ll put a link to the various posts that the oddments are related to. And some of it is simply interesting little oddments I’d like to share, not related to much of anything. Emphasis, I guess, on odd….

A while back I had a post called 10,000 words - 10 really crazy pictures, each worth 1,000 words. I have since learned that one of the pictures actually could/should have been part of a later blog post dangerous hike and freebies. Here’s the picture…

Here’s another outhouse that could have been part of the post nice bathroom humor

That’s something we could all keep in mind as we go into the elections this fall!

Here’s a picture that could have been part of the post sign language The picture is of a martial arts school.

I ran across a neat picture that I think could make a great header picture for my blog (if it weren’t the wrong size and proportion, let alone all the potential copyright issues). Just think, instead of having an ancient gargoyle looking over the skyline of Paris, I could have Ratatouille looking at it from a different angle….

My wife found a great recipe online for the ratatouille that Ratatouille made in that animated film. We love this dish and have declared it her recipe find of 2008! If you’d like to try it out, you can find it at http://smittenkitchen.com/2007/07/rat-a-too-ee-for-you-ee

I tried something new in the garden this year - Thai Red-Seeded Long Beans. They’re like the green beans we’ve eaten in China and like the ones in many Chinese buffets here in the USA. The name “long beans” is not an exaggeration! Here’s a picture of me measuring several against a yardstick. I don’t know if you can make it out in the picture, but the longer of the two beans measures 30 inches - 6 inches longer than they’re supposed to be! Just a couple of beans is enough for a meal for the two of us!

Recently I’ve found a couple of neat “toys” online. Anyone who reads my blog finds out pretty quickly that I am a word person. I love puns and other forms of wordplay. Well, here are several visual forms of wordplay. In both them them you can tweak the font and colors to your liking.

The first one is called Wordle. You can create your own “wordle” in several ways - either by pasting in “a bunch of text” (as they say) or by entering a URL. I chose the second, entering the URL of my most recent blog post last Thursday. Here’s the wordle of that post…

Another word toy I ran across is a text animator called textanim. Here’s my little creation from that site…

Several weeks ago I had a post called t-shirt slogans. Someone sent me a great video clip on how to fold a t-shirt in seconds. It’s in Japanese (I think), but if you watch it a few times, you should be able to do it too. My wife has mastered the technique and says, “This has revolutionized my recreational laundry!” Click in the square below to start the video.

Now I think you’ll agree that my calling this blog post “oddments” (with a heavy emphasis on odd) was appropriate. I’m looking forward to some really odd comments now.

quotation…

“Most problems in our lives go back to a false idea of who God is.” - Dr. Chris Barney

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Tags: art, bathrooms, China, funny pix, gardens, Japan, language, politics, t-shirts

If you grew up speaking English, be glad you did! The English language has so many subtle shades of meaning and idiomatic expressions, that people learning English as a second language have a really tough task. When we anglophones learn a foreign language we get a glimpse into how hard it is to master the intricacies of another language. When we anglophones try to teach our language to non-English speakers, we find many aspects of our language difficult, if not impossible, to explain.

I have made some horrible mistakes in French, German, and Chinese which usually resulted in laughter followed by an explanation. Such experiences are humbling, to say the least, but they have provided great opportunities to laugh at myself and to empathize with my students as they struggle to make themselves understood and as they make funny mistakes themselves. I’m sure that, as people from all over the world converge in Beijing for the Olympics and as they try to use Chinese phrases they’ve been memorizing, they will make some great mistakes. One of my best mistakes was when I was trying to tell someone I was from America (Mei Guo - roughly pronounced may-gwa) which in Chinese means literally “Beautiful Country.” (Keep in mind that Chinese is a tonal language, that is, a change in tone often changes the meaning of the word.) When I pronounced it, though, I got the wrong tone on the second part of the word and said I was from “beautiful melon.” I really think that some Chinese people just don’t like my tone of voice.

That said, I am posting today some great examples of English mistakes or oddities from other countries. No one country or language is alone in finding English difficult!

English Must Be Difficult…

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

Instructions in a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make
Limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger
Roasted duck let loose
Beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map:
Dirty water punishment place

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a doctor in Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases

From a story in an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Sign in a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and heates - if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Detour sign in Japan:
Stop. Drive sideways.

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

An Italian hotel brochure:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Menu at an Athens hotel:
Chopped-up cow with wire through it (shish kebab)

A Polish tourist brochure:
As for the tripe served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praises to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well speaking
- Here speeching American

And here’s one that we’ve been told about and have suspected was true all along…

Have you seen any examples of English obviously written by a foreigner?

By the way, this Friday is an Ultimate Bonza Bottler Day - 8-8-08!

quotation…

“If it’s big enough to make me worry, it’s big enough to take to God.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Did ancient Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “fours”?

Tags: China, English, funny pix, language, Olympics, signs

Although it’s already July 15 in France at the time I’m posting this in the USA, the French spent the 14th celebrating Bastille Day. It was fun to hear from several of my students today who wanted to wish me a Happy Bastille Day. My wife and I have actually been in France several times on the 14th of July and have seen the parade in Paris, jets overhead trailing blue, white, and red smoke, and in the evening fireworks in the distance. If they’re anything, the French are creative in their celebrations!

In honor of the day, I’m posting something vaguely reminiscent of French. Do you ever feel as if you’ve heard the expression déjà vu before? It’s the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now.

For you francophones out there, if you feel as if you’ve read the following before, that would be déjà lu.

When I feel as if I’ve…

…milked this cow before - déjà moo

…seen this strange animal before - déjà gnu

…smelled this bad odor before - déjà phew

…visited this menagerie before - déjà zoo

…scared this person away before - déjà … BOO!

…read this mystery book before - déjà clue

…been in this courtroom before - déjà sue

…felt this bad before - déjà rue

…felt this sad before - déjà blue

…expanded this way before - déjà grew

…seen this slime before - déjà goo

…learned this stuff before - déjà knew

…waited in line before - déjà queue

…eaten this dinner before - déjà stew

…pursued this person before - déjà woo

…had this feeling of déjà vu before - déjà too

…seen these twins before - déjà two

…been on this airplane before - déjà flew

…came up with this innovation before - déjà new

…fed these pigeons before - déjà coo

…sketched this portrait before - déjà drew

…been in this Starbucks before - déjà brew

…ended this relationship before - déjà through

…felt this ill before - déjà flu

…sheared this sheep before - déjà ewe

…munched on this gum ball before - déjà chew

…lost its match under the same bed before - déjà shoe

…exposed the real facts before - déjà true

…sat through this sermon before - déjà pew

…played in this wet grass before - déjà dew

…admired this scenery before - déjà ooooo…

…forgotten this person’s name before - déjà who?

Do any of you have an actual déjà vu experience you’d like to share?

***
I’ve put up a new poll in the sidebar about my blog itself.

quotation…

“Hope attaches itself to the future and is the certainty of what will be.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Tags: France, holidays, language, puns

In looking at the statistics for the ivman.com site, I see that many people view the funny pictures, but not many at all look at some of the four years’ worth of humor archived there (see the Pre-blog archives tab at the top of the page). So I decided that every once in a while, I’d post a sampling of some of the classic humor that’s out there, along with a link to the rest of that iv.

One of my all time favorites is the church bulletin bloopers - things that have actually appeared in church bulletins through typos and/or poor proofreading. I found some great pictures recently that show the same sort of errors. Here they are…

Detals! Detals!

Here are several road signs that are great bloopers….

I’m surprised they let the baggage on board!

I wonder if English is this woman’s official language….

Now on to the sampling of the bulletin bloopers….

Actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Ladies don’t forget the rummage sale at - this is a good chance to get rid of things not worth keeping. Bring your husbands.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

The activity will take place on the church barking lot.

Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

To read the whole list of church bulletin bloopers, go to http://ivman.com/bloopers.html

quotation…

“If it doesn’t produce a change, it’s not the gospel.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

Live your life in such a way that your colleagues, friends and family can defend you - but never have to.

Tags: bloopers, language, signs

In preparation for Mother’s Day, I thought it might be good to share some words from “Mom’s dictionary.”

Mom’s dictionary

airplane - What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets

alien - What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself

amnesia - A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have a baby again

apple - Nutritious lunchtime dessert that children will often trade for cupcakes

baby -

1. Mom’s youngest child
2. Dad, when he gets a cold

bathroom - a room used by the entire family and believed (by all except Mom) to be self-cleaning

“because” - Mom’s reason for making kids do things or not do things which can’t be explained logically

bed and breakfast - Two things the kids don’t like to make for themselves

bottle feeding - An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too

carpet - Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes

car pool - Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the farthest, with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar

China - Legendary country reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables

cook -

1. Act of preparing food for consumption
2. Mom’s other name

date - Infrequent outings with Dad, where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting

defense - What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside

drinking glass - Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge

drooling - How teething babies wash their chins

dumbwaiter - One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

ear - A place where kids store dirt

eat - What kids do between meals, but not at them

energy - Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something

family planning - The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

feedback - The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots

full name - What you call your child when you’re mad at him

garbage - A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself

geniuses - Amazingly, all of Mom’s children

grandparents - The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right

gum - Adhesive for the hair

hamper - A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing

Handi-Wipes - Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

hearsay - What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

independent - How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say

look out! - What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

prenatal - When your life was still somewhat your own

prepared childbirth - A contradiction in terms

puddle - A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it

show off - A child who is more talented than yours

sterilize - What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it

storeroom - The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything

temper tantrums - What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children

top bunk - Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies

two-minute warning - When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises

verbal - Able to whine in words

whodunit - None of the kids that live in your house

whoops - An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge”

***
This first week of summer “vacation” is busier than last week! I started my summer job today at IT Help Desk on campus - work I really enjoy. This evening I had a wedding rehearsal - I’m the lower voice in two duets at the wedding tomorrow evening of a young lady I’ve known since she was a toddler. We’re also trying to get ready for the arrival of our daughter Megan and grandson Drew this Saturday for a week’s stay - our son-in-law’s Mother’s Day gift to Megan and to Becka.

quotation…

“There’s no news that is news to God.” - Dr. Drew Conley

=^..^= =^..^=
Rob

If a mute swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Tags: children, language, moms